Poem 1
If My Tits Could Speak
If my tits could speak,
they would say a body is a
perfect place to keep secrets.
A body is a terrible place to keep
secrets.
We are your tits.
We are not Judas. We know the
shudder you keep above your
bones when you look at us.
But how many times will we
have to save your life for us to
convince you we are not
treacherous. We are the lonely
sentinels of your sex in a public
bathroom.
We know sometimes you
daydream about your lost naked
tomboy chest screaming like a
dust colored beacon from the
tops of olive trees. Would you
believe us if we told you we were
there that day. That we have
always been here here, we are not
Brutus or Cassius, we are not
usurpers.
Still, you bandage where there is
no wound, you bind where there
is no break.
How long have you felt like a
pirate ship? We have always felt
like stowaways.
You study the blueprints of more
handsome vessels and dream of
amputating us like gangrenes or
frostbite. You don't trust the
timbers you were built from, you
think you are rotten. You are not
rotten. We are figureheads
cutting a swatch through the sea
for you. Can't you see us? Can't
you see yourself?
Poem 2
Adrienne
I am a howler monkey in a
nursery
I am a tomboy who's lost her first
foot race.
I say your name in my sleep.
It moves in my mouth like the
first
glass of water the morning after
a bender.
Prop me up from collapsing back
into hangover stagnation.
Still.
Sometimes I am a broken
accordion.
Sometimes I miss every bus I
run for.
1.
My phone has run out of battery.
So I lay myself in trash heap,
thinking
I am corrupted SIM card.
Eroded and stripped
miniature screw guts
Pick me over for love letter text messages.
Then some days
I am on the bus. I am heading for home.
You are too good looking to be a cell phone tower.
You, my North Pole. My magnetic orientation.
2.
We are out of candy.
Okay, I ate it all.
You jitterbug at the convenience store.
I shake the snow from my shoulders.
3.
I want to write a love poem from Wolverine to Storm,
I need your help.
How many times have you
broken open my shell,
not hesitating when you find
scales instead of feathers.
You whip my head back, you
open my mouth.
I am bleary eyed, laughed into a
coma.
Talk me out of bad tattoos and
movie ideas.
I will talk you out of MC names
and groceries you won't eat.
4.
I wish I was a composer, I wake
up to your eyelashes
harping me to learn
to play.
I wish I was a blacksmith,
all the water inside me is boiling.
Everything I am will melt,
but that second before: you are
bellows
at my ear, I am the hardest I will
ever be.
I wish I was an artist.
I wish this so often I dream that I
already am.
I have painted your body so
many times
inside my head, you are the
most recognizable person
in the civilization of my sleep.
Mary
Monday, October 1, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 22. Because of this, I had to both find myself and find out who I was with a partner at a later age than most people do. And how difficult it was to be in my mid 20s and trying to figure out how to be with someone, when I feel like that was something I should have learned at an earlier age, like in high school or college. Once I was 22, I had my first girlfriend and then was a serial monogamist. I always had someone on the back burner. I didn't get to ever go through the young adult thing by myself. A part of that was because of the late start I had, and then all of the serious relationships.
Every person I dated, even the bad ones, the ones I realized that I was not compatible with at all, I have taken so many wonderful things from each relationship. Through each relationship, I learned what I want in a partner. So I was finding out who I wanted to be with and what I didn't want; but, I was lacking who I was myself.
It wasn't until my late 20s, when I finally knew what I was looking for, and at that point was able to break off a relationship knowing that it was the right choice, knowing that I didn't need someone waiting in the wings. And now that I had that idea of who the person I was looking for, I could stop looking and focus on myself. This was at age 29 where I realized that I am pretty awesome and am fine being alone.
And then, I was at that really good place, when my perfect someone stumbled in. My message of hope would be that despite having an alternative lifestyle or being gay and growing up in Kansas and not realizing it until college, no matter how late the start, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We had a GSA but no one was out and I wasn't able to explore it. I was only 19.
After college I moved to Virginia, a brand new place with a first girlfriend and I was finally able to completely live that lifestyle. I didn't know anybody in Virginia and I didn't have to explain it to anybody.
It was a late start. It was really confusing. It felt like I didn't have that background of anyone in high school or college so I had nothing. There was however, a light at the end of my tunnel. I didn't see it until I was almost 30. The process of self-discovery for me was put second to what I wanted and needed in a partner.
Regardless of what gender you date, or what age you are, when it begins, it is necessary to stay true to yourself and what you need and what you want out of your life and what your goals and aspirations are. This crosses all boundaries of anyone in any relationship. This is something that I learned through the entirety of my 20s and evaluating the trials and tribulations of my dating past. That was the longest class I took. But I got there. That is the most important thing.
Suzanne
Every person I dated, even the bad ones, the ones I realized that I was not compatible with at all, I have taken so many wonderful things from each relationship. Through each relationship, I learned what I want in a partner. So I was finding out who I wanted to be with and what I didn't want; but, I was lacking who I was myself.
It wasn't until my late 20s, when I finally knew what I was looking for, and at that point was able to break off a relationship knowing that it was the right choice, knowing that I didn't need someone waiting in the wings. And now that I had that idea of who the person I was looking for, I could stop looking and focus on myself. This was at age 29 where I realized that I am pretty awesome and am fine being alone.
And then, I was at that really good place, when my perfect someone stumbled in. My message of hope would be that despite having an alternative lifestyle or being gay and growing up in Kansas and not realizing it until college, no matter how late the start, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We had a GSA but no one was out and I wasn't able to explore it. I was only 19.
After college I moved to Virginia, a brand new place with a first girlfriend and I was finally able to completely live that lifestyle. I didn't know anybody in Virginia and I didn't have to explain it to anybody.
It was a late start. It was really confusing. It felt like I didn't have that background of anyone in high school or college so I had nothing. There was however, a light at the end of my tunnel. I didn't see it until I was almost 30. The process of self-discovery for me was put second to what I wanted and needed in a partner.
Regardless of what gender you date, or what age you are, when it begins, it is necessary to stay true to yourself and what you need and what you want out of your life and what your goals and aspirations are. This crosses all boundaries of anyone in any relationship. This is something that I learned through the entirety of my 20s and evaluating the trials and tribulations of my dating past. That was the longest class I took. But I got there. That is the most important thing.
Suzanne
Sunday, August 12, 2012
30 Minutes of Something Wonderful
Movies have been a source of escape for me my entire life. As long as I can recall, I have found myself lost in them. Lost in the possibility that it could be me on the other side of that screen. Me living that impossible dream. I have always been disheartned by those who say that love cannot possibly be like the movies. That the notion itself is unrealistic. Life doesn't happen like the movies. But somewhere deep inside, I always believed it could. And then it did.
Technology is an incredible thing. In today's world it more often than not draws us away from each other. It occupies our time in negative ways. We don't interact person to person. We socialize machine to machine. However, thanks to technology, I found her. My co-star. My leading lady. Or so I thought. I had just come out of a four year relationship. Kaput. It was over. It was over due to my discovery of her infidelity via this wondrous technological cave we dwell in. Yes, I invaded her privacy. Yes, that was crossing a boundary. And yes, she was cheating on me.
Here is where it gets a little wild. Her new love interest was in the same field of work and initially I just put off their friendliness to that aspect. The other woman was engaged and ha been in a relationship of ten years. Ten. Uno, dos, tres...you get it. A decade. Anywho, I revealed nothing upon my discovery of said infidelity. Hell, the woman lived two states away. We were all friends on ye old Facebook and so I simply friended her fiance. Mainly in jest that the fiance and I could post on each other's walls and show our other halves how foolish they were being. Still, I knew what was going on and the poor fiance was clueless.
Time marched on and the fiance began to ask me questions about things. I did not want to add any fuel to the fire that I was unsure may have even existed. I was single and free. She was about to marry someone she thought she knew. And, she knew her alright. Eventually, I revealed my knowledge and her heart was broken. We began confiding in each other via email and Facebook. We texted often. And eventually, we talked in real time on the phone. Our phone visits became more frequent and she was trying to figure out what to do with this mess she had found herself in.
She called me in the moments of frustration. She called me from the park by the river when she needed to get out of the house and away to think. She was lost. Her world had just been flipped and I was the one who flipped it. I felt guilty but here she was wanting to know more. More about me. About what I knew. And I was finding myself strangely attracted to that.
My previous four year relationship was my first girlfriend. I met her when I was twenty seven. I had not yet come to the realization of my love for women. Of course, once I did, my life began to make sense. I honestly thought that maybe I had found what I had been missing. I had never dated guys growing up or even had any interest in them other than close friendships. I was a tried and true Gold Star if there ever was one. Never even kissed a guy. But what I did not know was that she was not THE one. We worked well enough and it was not unpleasant on the whole but it wasn't what was meant for me. I was unaware.
Back to the fiance. Our texting became insane. Ridiculous even. I'm talking teenager insane. In the thousands per month. It was my drug. My connection to this person I only knew via technology. I saw pictures, yes but it was her being that was drawing me in. Her voice. The way she sounded when she talked with me. The way she trusted me.
After a couple of months of this banter back and forth, we decided to meet. She had not completely rid herslef of her other half. They had lived together ten years. A houseful of a decade of living together. That is not erased quickly. But she made the decision to drive throught two states and spend a weekend with me. And now thinking about it. This weekend is the one year anniversary of the weekend. Irony. And maybe fate is intervening in this moment creating this as a release for me to let it go once and for all. Shit, guess I just ruined the outcome...
So, the day she was to drive down was full of anticipation for me. I was in a new flat starting over and coming out of my relationship. I did not have much in my new place but what I had was perfectly placed and ready for her arrival. I live in a locked building. I would have to buzz her in but we had decided to meet at my door. First sighting. I had even covered the peep hole on my door from the outside so that I did not have an unfair advantage.
She called me just outside of downtown to get better directions and I actually saw her car pass my building. I could not see her but knowing she was in that car as I looked from my fifth floor window was enough to make my heart explode. She parked and told me she was on her way in. That was the longest five minutes I can recall (my stomach is currently in waves recalling it). She knocked. I stood on the other side of the door and in that split second had no idea what was in store. Nor did she.
I partially opened the door and peeked around. Her face had such a look of relief. Of release. I opened the door and as she walked through and dropped her bags, I fell into her arms and I had never felt more at home. It is like I had been submerged and finally was given permission to come up and breathe. It was something I had never experienced. And in that moment, I realized how love was supposed to feel.
There were no words. Just holding each other as we stood. Had we not had each other to hold, I am certain we both would have collapsed.
There is so much beyond the words I could put to this but here I sit one year (nearly to the day) later recalling this moment that was my movie scene and how the whole brief relationship blew by. I can't even begin to count how many movie scenes I lived out in those short months but they were there. I had them. I HAVE them. They are tucked away in the recesses of my mind. But for her, she was waiting for that dramatic climax. That was a turning point because for her the movie had to have a plot twist. Her previous movies always did. But it never came. She waited and it never came. I was a constant. I was the happily ever after and she knew it. But she ended the scene. She wasn't ready for the happily ever after. She yelled, "CUT!"
Steel Magnolias is one of my all time favorite movies. The killer moment for me is the scene where Shelby and her mom argue about her pregnancy. If you are not familiar with the movie, you need to know that her body was not capable of handling a pregnancy. Her mother knew this and upon the recent announcement was not thrilled. Her baby was going to have a baby and it could kill her. No mother would be, I suppose. But the tear jerker is when Shelby asks her mom to recall the one thing she always told her children growing up. What was the one thing that she always wished for her children. Her mother says that all she had ever wished is for them to be happy. That's it. And to that, Shelby tells her mother, "Momma, I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." I cry. Every. Single. Time.
Stef, you were my 30 minutes. I will never forget you but I must let you go. I now know how love can be and should be. But you were not my leading lady. You were the stand in and the film was not yet complete. My lady was not yet cast. However, I am currently (thanks to technology) getting to know my leading lady. She lives abroad. And I am very excited about this foreign film...
Tara
Movies have been a source of escape for me my entire life. As long as I can recall, I have found myself lost in them. Lost in the possibility that it could be me on the other side of that screen. Me living that impossible dream. I have always been disheartned by those who say that love cannot possibly be like the movies. That the notion itself is unrealistic. Life doesn't happen like the movies. But somewhere deep inside, I always believed it could. And then it did.
Technology is an incredible thing. In today's world it more often than not draws us away from each other. It occupies our time in negative ways. We don't interact person to person. We socialize machine to machine. However, thanks to technology, I found her. My co-star. My leading lady. Or so I thought. I had just come out of a four year relationship. Kaput. It was over. It was over due to my discovery of her infidelity via this wondrous technological cave we dwell in. Yes, I invaded her privacy. Yes, that was crossing a boundary. And yes, she was cheating on me.
Here is where it gets a little wild. Her new love interest was in the same field of work and initially I just put off their friendliness to that aspect. The other woman was engaged and ha been in a relationship of ten years. Ten. Uno, dos, tres...you get it. A decade. Anywho, I revealed nothing upon my discovery of said infidelity. Hell, the woman lived two states away. We were all friends on ye old Facebook and so I simply friended her fiance. Mainly in jest that the fiance and I could post on each other's walls and show our other halves how foolish they were being. Still, I knew what was going on and the poor fiance was clueless.
Time marched on and the fiance began to ask me questions about things. I did not want to add any fuel to the fire that I was unsure may have even existed. I was single and free. She was about to marry someone she thought she knew. And, she knew her alright. Eventually, I revealed my knowledge and her heart was broken. We began confiding in each other via email and Facebook. We texted often. And eventually, we talked in real time on the phone. Our phone visits became more frequent and she was trying to figure out what to do with this mess she had found herself in.
She called me in the moments of frustration. She called me from the park by the river when she needed to get out of the house and away to think. She was lost. Her world had just been flipped and I was the one who flipped it. I felt guilty but here she was wanting to know more. More about me. About what I knew. And I was finding myself strangely attracted to that.
My previous four year relationship was my first girlfriend. I met her when I was twenty seven. I had not yet come to the realization of my love for women. Of course, once I did, my life began to make sense. I honestly thought that maybe I had found what I had been missing. I had never dated guys growing up or even had any interest in them other than close friendships. I was a tried and true Gold Star if there ever was one. Never even kissed a guy. But what I did not know was that she was not THE one. We worked well enough and it was not unpleasant on the whole but it wasn't what was meant for me. I was unaware.
Back to the fiance. Our texting became insane. Ridiculous even. I'm talking teenager insane. In the thousands per month. It was my drug. My connection to this person I only knew via technology. I saw pictures, yes but it was her being that was drawing me in. Her voice. The way she sounded when she talked with me. The way she trusted me.
After a couple of months of this banter back and forth, we decided to meet. She had not completely rid herslef of her other half. They had lived together ten years. A houseful of a decade of living together. That is not erased quickly. But she made the decision to drive throught two states and spend a weekend with me. And now thinking about it. This weekend is the one year anniversary of the weekend. Irony. And maybe fate is intervening in this moment creating this as a release for me to let it go once and for all. Shit, guess I just ruined the outcome...
So, the day she was to drive down was full of anticipation for me. I was in a new flat starting over and coming out of my relationship. I did not have much in my new place but what I had was perfectly placed and ready for her arrival. I live in a locked building. I would have to buzz her in but we had decided to meet at my door. First sighting. I had even covered the peep hole on my door from the outside so that I did not have an unfair advantage.
She called me just outside of downtown to get better directions and I actually saw her car pass my building. I could not see her but knowing she was in that car as I looked from my fifth floor window was enough to make my heart explode. She parked and told me she was on her way in. That was the longest five minutes I can recall (my stomach is currently in waves recalling it). She knocked. I stood on the other side of the door and in that split second had no idea what was in store. Nor did she.
I partially opened the door and peeked around. Her face had such a look of relief. Of release. I opened the door and as she walked through and dropped her bags, I fell into her arms and I had never felt more at home. It is like I had been submerged and finally was given permission to come up and breathe. It was something I had never experienced. And in that moment, I realized how love was supposed to feel.
There were no words. Just holding each other as we stood. Had we not had each other to hold, I am certain we both would have collapsed.
There is so much beyond the words I could put to this but here I sit one year (nearly to the day) later recalling this moment that was my movie scene and how the whole brief relationship blew by. I can't even begin to count how many movie scenes I lived out in those short months but they were there. I had them. I HAVE them. They are tucked away in the recesses of my mind. But for her, she was waiting for that dramatic climax. That was a turning point because for her the movie had to have a plot twist. Her previous movies always did. But it never came. She waited and it never came. I was a constant. I was the happily ever after and she knew it. But she ended the scene. She wasn't ready for the happily ever after. She yelled, "CUT!"
Steel Magnolias is one of my all time favorite movies. The killer moment for me is the scene where Shelby and her mom argue about her pregnancy. If you are not familiar with the movie, you need to know that her body was not capable of handling a pregnancy. Her mother knew this and upon the recent announcement was not thrilled. Her baby was going to have a baby and it could kill her. No mother would be, I suppose. But the tear jerker is when Shelby asks her mom to recall the one thing she always told her children growing up. What was the one thing that she always wished for her children. Her mother says that all she had ever wished is for them to be happy. That's it. And to that, Shelby tells her mother, "Momma, I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." I cry. Every. Single. Time.
Stef, you were my 30 minutes. I will never forget you but I must let you go. I now know how love can be and should be. But you were not my leading lady. You were the stand in and the film was not yet complete. My lady was not yet cast. However, I am currently (thanks to technology) getting to know my leading lady. She lives abroad. And I am very excited about this foreign film...
Tara
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The other morning my friend Robyn and I met for brunch to enjoy delicious food while discussing love. I quickly explained the intention of the blog to Robyn and she began by telling me about her coming out experience.
She started by retelling me that when she began realizing that she was in fact a lesbian, true to her Gemini nature, she began researching coming out and being gay. At the age of 27 it dawned on her that she was gay-something that had never occurred to her before. According to Robyn, 'I had no idea that I was gay until I kissed that girl.'
Over eggs, oatmeal, green chili and tea, Robyn and I discussed the idea of love-the love that breaks down all the pre-conceived notions of what a relationship should be and how one should act in a relationship.
Robyn discussed her current relationship and how at the age of 45, her fiancee challenged her in ways that she never knew to be possible. These challenges had a way of unwinding all of the protective shit that had been wrapped around her for years. Despite becoming unglued, if you will, by the sharing and revealing of self, and breaking down of walls, Robyn admitted this to be gift.
Allowing someone into your deepest, darkest, most painful secrets and life experiences can be scary to say the least, but the gift that Robyn was referring to was giving all of your self to your partner. True love is waking up next to someone without make-up, sleep in the eyes, complete with morning breath and having your partner smile and tell you that you are beautiful.
Being with another person, truly being with someone, is allowing for and accepting these moments. You can't wake up before the person to put on your make-up and brush those teeth everyday for the rest of your life, nor should you; you have to allow that person to see you for who you really are. Spending your life with someone, for the rest of your life will include sickness, tantrums, fights, mental breakdowns and morning breath. Allowing someone to see these moments and these sides of you, that is love.
One trick, Robyn revealed, is to go out and accept that love. Too many times do the pre-conceived notions and walls built from past experiences get in the way or prevent us from receiving the love that is presented to us. Making ourselves vulnerable and letting those walls down can be terrifying due to past judgement but allowing yourself to be loved is the key here. Remember that you are in fact worthy of that love.
In terms of being Out, Robyn admitted that she figured any event, advertised as gay or not, is gay if she arrives. It is gay enough if she is there. Robyn has written on the subject of pride and having and living pridefully Out after our designated weekend of celebrating, and she has had people respond that they are not defined by their sexuality. Although Robyn agrees with this statement, she argues that one reason why she lives so very Out is that because society stills assumes that people are heterosexual until proven otherwise. Sure there maybe other aspects to one's personality and lifestyle other than sexuality, but one's sexuality is still a very important part of the person and because of this one should in fact be prideful and Out.
Sure we still live in a society where some promote hate and pass judgement but part of having pride is being Out. As was said earlier, the love is there, even when it comes to living an Out lifestyle. Receive it! Go Out and grab the love!
Check out Robyn's BlogSpot at thejoyofbeingyou.blogspot.com
Robyn Vie-Carpenter
She started by retelling me that when she began realizing that she was in fact a lesbian, true to her Gemini nature, she began researching coming out and being gay. At the age of 27 it dawned on her that she was gay-something that had never occurred to her before. According to Robyn, 'I had no idea that I was gay until I kissed that girl.'
Over eggs, oatmeal, green chili and tea, Robyn and I discussed the idea of love-the love that breaks down all the pre-conceived notions of what a relationship should be and how one should act in a relationship.
Robyn discussed her current relationship and how at the age of 45, her fiancee challenged her in ways that she never knew to be possible. These challenges had a way of unwinding all of the protective shit that had been wrapped around her for years. Despite becoming unglued, if you will, by the sharing and revealing of self, and breaking down of walls, Robyn admitted this to be gift.
Allowing someone into your deepest, darkest, most painful secrets and life experiences can be scary to say the least, but the gift that Robyn was referring to was giving all of your self to your partner. True love is waking up next to someone without make-up, sleep in the eyes, complete with morning breath and having your partner smile and tell you that you are beautiful.
Being with another person, truly being with someone, is allowing for and accepting these moments. You can't wake up before the person to put on your make-up and brush those teeth everyday for the rest of your life, nor should you; you have to allow that person to see you for who you really are. Spending your life with someone, for the rest of your life will include sickness, tantrums, fights, mental breakdowns and morning breath. Allowing someone to see these moments and these sides of you, that is love.
One trick, Robyn revealed, is to go out and accept that love. Too many times do the pre-conceived notions and walls built from past experiences get in the way or prevent us from receiving the love that is presented to us. Making ourselves vulnerable and letting those walls down can be terrifying due to past judgement but allowing yourself to be loved is the key here. Remember that you are in fact worthy of that love.
In terms of being Out, Robyn admitted that she figured any event, advertised as gay or not, is gay if she arrives. It is gay enough if she is there. Robyn has written on the subject of pride and having and living pridefully Out after our designated weekend of celebrating, and she has had people respond that they are not defined by their sexuality. Although Robyn agrees with this statement, she argues that one reason why she lives so very Out is that because society stills assumes that people are heterosexual until proven otherwise. Sure there maybe other aspects to one's personality and lifestyle other than sexuality, but one's sexuality is still a very important part of the person and because of this one should in fact be prideful and Out.
Sure we still live in a society where some promote hate and pass judgement but part of having pride is being Out. As was said earlier, the love is there, even when it comes to living an Out lifestyle. Receive it! Go Out and grab the love!
Check out Robyn's BlogSpot at thejoyofbeingyou.blogspot.com
Robyn Vie-Carpenter
Friday, July 13, 2012
I wrote this poem after my lover had been torn between her ex and myself and decided to leave me and the state of Colorado. We are both single now and happily working towards being together again...someday.
My love for your will not wane
It cannot change
As it has stayed the same.
I love you today as I loved you
the moment I first knew
Before it was
"Too good to be true"
Like you said to me
But it didn't
happen to you
I love you
like you're my one
true love.
I just can't let go
My body won't let me
And if you can feel me
when I cry out
for you
It's because you always were
The One inside me.
No one could make
A love like this.
No one could make
Me love like this.
No one
But you.
Rochelle
My love for your will not wane
It cannot change
As it has stayed the same.
I love you today as I loved you
the moment I first knew
Before it was
"Too good to be true"
Like you said to me
But it didn't
happen to you
I love you
like you're my one
true love.
I just can't let go
My body won't let me
And if you can feel me
when I cry out
for you
It's because you always were
The One inside me.
No one could make
A love like this.
No one could make
Me love like this.
No one
But you.
Rochelle
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Seeing as it is Pride month, I feel compelled to share my thoughts around the notion of pride...
The celebration of Pride marks the anniversary of the brave souls who fought back against the discrimination and refused to take it anymore. I believe it is important to take a moment to reflect on the Stonewall Riots and the events that took place in the Manhattan bar.
To me, pride means being proud of who you are. Speaking from experience this is not nearly as simple as it sounds and I for one have had to actively work, and rework at this process within myself. For many years I sought my approval outside of myself and although this validation was found, I was never fulfilled. It took many years to realize that I needed to validate myself in order to build and foster my self esteem which in turn could lead to pride.
I teach at a treatment facility for at-risk youth in which behavior modification is key. Every student present has a diagnosed behavioral disorder and we attempt to teach new behaviors to help these adolescents become more successful in life. A major theme present amongst this population is low self-esteem. These students will be the first to say that they do not respect or value themselves and therefore they do not care that their actions and choices may reflect upon them poorly.
Attempting to teach self respect in order to change behaviors has been a great point of reflection for myself. One difficulty that I struggle with is victimization and being a part of the LGTBQ population I catch myself sometimes falling into this modality. I allow myself, because of the oppression, hate, discrimination, (the list goes on...), to become angry, emotional and reactionary rather than calm and proactive.
My girlfriend's father, a very intelligent man, said last weekend that when dealing with difficult people or situations, it is important to model the desired behavior. Those who know me know that I am a very passionate individual and can become impassioned quite quickly, especially when I feel that I, or someone I care about, is being disrespected. For me, remaining diplomatic and calm in these sort of situations can be quite challenging.
They say that opposite's attract and although my girlfriend and I have some similarities, we are very different people. When handling a situation, my girlfriend, is much more calm, cool and collected; as a result, she presents herself very rationally, eloquently and respectfully. I am privileged to have such an amazing woman by my side to help me grow and learn.
A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend and I, found ourselves in a very uncomfortable situation. Without going into great detail, we were invited to an event at which many people were not happy with our presence. Thankfully no major incident occurred, but it was very obvious that many were very uncomfortable with us. This event was very emotional for us because it was supposed to be a joyful event but because of the rude stares and unnecessary comments, our joy was transformed into fear and anger.
After this event, we vowed to each other that we were no longer going to partake in any event where we had to be "just friends". We talked and decided that it is not our job to further a person's ignorance by remaining in the closet for their comfort. We are respectful young women that handle ourselves appropriately and if people are uncomfortable with our presence, then they can leave. We have no desire to force people to be immediately accepting of homosexuals, but we simply would like to be safe and comfortable being ourselves.
All this to say, I believe that one of the most important aspects of pride, especially for the LGTBQ community is to be out. Don't get me wrong, I understand that safety is a number one priority that should be considered first and foremost. With this said, I believe that the whole "coming out" process is in itself bullshit. It is a privilege to be heterosexual in this society because us LGTBQ-ers still lack many of the same rights simply because of who we are. It is a privilege not to have to announce to the world that you like a member of the same sex or that you plan on transitioning, all the while being terrified that you will be emotionally or physically attacked, cut off or cut out. I hope for a day when people will stop assuming that everyone is heterosexual and people won't have to come out anymore.
Until that day however, I believe that coming out is essential to the community. Many articles and studies are being published that those who have opposed homosexuality are becoming more accepting due to familiarity. There are many assumptions, beliefs and generalizations about how members of the community act and unfortunately no one but us can dispel those judgements. Is this fair? No, but if we want our rights and equality then it is our job is to educate. Nelson Mandela said it best, "there is no better tool to change the world than education."
I realize that by putting ourselves in situations simply to educate people with assumptions and preconceived notions can be exhausting, demoralizing, unsafe and frustrating, to say the least, the best way we can educate people is to simply be ourselves. My girlfriend read an article about a lesbian basketball player awhile back who although was out, argued that it is no one's business whom she loved. I agree with her, but to an extent. It is no one's business whom I love, but because American society is still so heterocentric, we as a community need to end the assumptions that everyone is straight.
Many of my students are very homophobic and have no problem expressing these views and I have had many conversations with them simply asking about and challenging their beliefs. Through these discussions and by questioning them I have been able to change some opinions. Yes outing myself in the face of hate is terrifying, this never gets easier unfortunatley, but I have decided that I am proud to be a lesbian woman and because of this, I will not hide who I am to anyone. To me, pride means being out.
When I have been able to remain diplomatic and respectful while facing prejudice and discrimination, I know I have made much more of an effect than when I have become angry and emotional. More importantly however, looking back on these situations, I am more proud of myself when I conduct myself maturely than when I do not act calmly. I cannot control another person's opinions and no matter how much I may want to change them, I cannot. I have learned so much from working with these students but the most important lesson I have learned is that I can only be myself and by having pride in myself and my actions, I can put my best self forward.
Please do not read this and think that I think that if you are still in the closet or questioning that you have no pride. Coming out is a process and should be done on one's own terms when one feels it is right. However, I will say that I hope that people can have enough pride in themselves to not hide who they are. Remember, bullies have little to no self respect, this is why they bully people. They do not like themselves so they pick on other people to make themselves feel better. I am not excusing their actions, but do not, under any circumstance, ever let another person's opinions of you change your opinion of yourself. Their opinion reflects upon them and who they are, not you.
Have a very happy and safe Pride!! :)
The celebration of Pride marks the anniversary of the brave souls who fought back against the discrimination and refused to take it anymore. I believe it is important to take a moment to reflect on the Stonewall Riots and the events that took place in the Manhattan bar.
To me, pride means being proud of who you are. Speaking from experience this is not nearly as simple as it sounds and I for one have had to actively work, and rework at this process within myself. For many years I sought my approval outside of myself and although this validation was found, I was never fulfilled. It took many years to realize that I needed to validate myself in order to build and foster my self esteem which in turn could lead to pride.
I teach at a treatment facility for at-risk youth in which behavior modification is key. Every student present has a diagnosed behavioral disorder and we attempt to teach new behaviors to help these adolescents become more successful in life. A major theme present amongst this population is low self-esteem. These students will be the first to say that they do not respect or value themselves and therefore they do not care that their actions and choices may reflect upon them poorly.
Attempting to teach self respect in order to change behaviors has been a great point of reflection for myself. One difficulty that I struggle with is victimization and being a part of the LGTBQ population I catch myself sometimes falling into this modality. I allow myself, because of the oppression, hate, discrimination, (the list goes on...), to become angry, emotional and reactionary rather than calm and proactive.
My girlfriend's father, a very intelligent man, said last weekend that when dealing with difficult people or situations, it is important to model the desired behavior. Those who know me know that I am a very passionate individual and can become impassioned quite quickly, especially when I feel that I, or someone I care about, is being disrespected. For me, remaining diplomatic and calm in these sort of situations can be quite challenging.
They say that opposite's attract and although my girlfriend and I have some similarities, we are very different people. When handling a situation, my girlfriend, is much more calm, cool and collected; as a result, she presents herself very rationally, eloquently and respectfully. I am privileged to have such an amazing woman by my side to help me grow and learn.
A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend and I, found ourselves in a very uncomfortable situation. Without going into great detail, we were invited to an event at which many people were not happy with our presence. Thankfully no major incident occurred, but it was very obvious that many were very uncomfortable with us. This event was very emotional for us because it was supposed to be a joyful event but because of the rude stares and unnecessary comments, our joy was transformed into fear and anger.
After this event, we vowed to each other that we were no longer going to partake in any event where we had to be "just friends". We talked and decided that it is not our job to further a person's ignorance by remaining in the closet for their comfort. We are respectful young women that handle ourselves appropriately and if people are uncomfortable with our presence, then they can leave. We have no desire to force people to be immediately accepting of homosexuals, but we simply would like to be safe and comfortable being ourselves.
All this to say, I believe that one of the most important aspects of pride, especially for the LGTBQ community is to be out. Don't get me wrong, I understand that safety is a number one priority that should be considered first and foremost. With this said, I believe that the whole "coming out" process is in itself bullshit. It is a privilege to be heterosexual in this society because us LGTBQ-ers still lack many of the same rights simply because of who we are. It is a privilege not to have to announce to the world that you like a member of the same sex or that you plan on transitioning, all the while being terrified that you will be emotionally or physically attacked, cut off or cut out. I hope for a day when people will stop assuming that everyone is heterosexual and people won't have to come out anymore.
Until that day however, I believe that coming out is essential to the community. Many articles and studies are being published that those who have opposed homosexuality are becoming more accepting due to familiarity. There are many assumptions, beliefs and generalizations about how members of the community act and unfortunately no one but us can dispel those judgements. Is this fair? No, but if we want our rights and equality then it is our job is to educate. Nelson Mandela said it best, "there is no better tool to change the world than education."
I realize that by putting ourselves in situations simply to educate people with assumptions and preconceived notions can be exhausting, demoralizing, unsafe and frustrating, to say the least, the best way we can educate people is to simply be ourselves. My girlfriend read an article about a lesbian basketball player awhile back who although was out, argued that it is no one's business whom she loved. I agree with her, but to an extent. It is no one's business whom I love, but because American society is still so heterocentric, we as a community need to end the assumptions that everyone is straight.
Many of my students are very homophobic and have no problem expressing these views and I have had many conversations with them simply asking about and challenging their beliefs. Through these discussions and by questioning them I have been able to change some opinions. Yes outing myself in the face of hate is terrifying, this never gets easier unfortunatley, but I have decided that I am proud to be a lesbian woman and because of this, I will not hide who I am to anyone. To me, pride means being out.
When I have been able to remain diplomatic and respectful while facing prejudice and discrimination, I know I have made much more of an effect than when I have become angry and emotional. More importantly however, looking back on these situations, I am more proud of myself when I conduct myself maturely than when I do not act calmly. I cannot control another person's opinions and no matter how much I may want to change them, I cannot. I have learned so much from working with these students but the most important lesson I have learned is that I can only be myself and by having pride in myself and my actions, I can put my best self forward.
Please do not read this and think that I think that if you are still in the closet or questioning that you have no pride. Coming out is a process and should be done on one's own terms when one feels it is right. However, I will say that I hope that people can have enough pride in themselves to not hide who they are. Remember, bullies have little to no self respect, this is why they bully people. They do not like themselves so they pick on other people to make themselves feel better. I am not excusing their actions, but do not, under any circumstance, ever let another person's opinions of you change your opinion of yourself. Their opinion reflects upon them and who they are, not you.
Have a very happy and safe Pride!! :)
Monday, May 7, 2012
Reading previous posts, I think it is safe to say that love takes many forms. And although it is a simple four letter word, the meaning of love is a complex feeling, emotion, reaction, etc. Love can be easy, love can be hard, and love can be the willingness to overcome adversity.
Love can be for an inanimate object, an animal, an action, or for another human being. Each one of those categories could then be broken down into subcategories; love can be for a pillow or a blanket, a dog named Niko, sleeping, playing sports, or cooking, and love can be for a man, a woman, or someone who has changed his or her own gender to feel comfortable in his or her own skin.
Not to be redundant and/or annoying, but those subcategories could be broken down and so on and so forth. The point is if I asked every person in this world what the definition of love is, I almost guarantee that every response would be different.
Love is complex. I want to share about two people. One afternoon, an individual walked into the doors of a coffee shop. As this person ordered a hot cup of coffee, another person was typing away at a computer writing a thesis paper. Ten minutes later, the two individuals began to engage in a conversation about the weather which lead to professions, which then lead to politics, which then lead to exchanging numbers for a second encounter.
After spending more time together, the two fell in love with one another. The rest, as they say, is history.
You maybe asking why I told such a boring, cliche story. My response would be this, "Who did you picture in the story? A man and a woman? A woman and a woman? Who were the two people that fell in love?"
During my undergraduate studies I performed a study just as this one. After I read this story out loud to the participants, they were to immediately state the genders of the two characters in the story. My results were as followed: 48/56 stated a man and a woman, 5/56 stated the genders were never mentioned, and 3/56 did not complete the survey. After I disclosed that the two people in the story were women, most responded with guilty/surprised looks on their faces.
Not that a blog entry needs to have a point or anything, but my hope in writing this post is that some individual out there will realize that love is not one simple idea that happens between a man and a woman, but rather love is complex and relative to the individual.
To close, love is for the individual and the individual alone. With that said...Love who you want when you want.
Anonymous
Love can be for an inanimate object, an animal, an action, or for another human being. Each one of those categories could then be broken down into subcategories; love can be for a pillow or a blanket, a dog named Niko, sleeping, playing sports, or cooking, and love can be for a man, a woman, or someone who has changed his or her own gender to feel comfortable in his or her own skin.
Not to be redundant and/or annoying, but those subcategories could be broken down and so on and so forth. The point is if I asked every person in this world what the definition of love is, I almost guarantee that every response would be different.
Love is complex. I want to share about two people. One afternoon, an individual walked into the doors of a coffee shop. As this person ordered a hot cup of coffee, another person was typing away at a computer writing a thesis paper. Ten minutes later, the two individuals began to engage in a conversation about the weather which lead to professions, which then lead to politics, which then lead to exchanging numbers for a second encounter.
After spending more time together, the two fell in love with one another. The rest, as they say, is history.
You maybe asking why I told such a boring, cliche story. My response would be this, "Who did you picture in the story? A man and a woman? A woman and a woman? Who were the two people that fell in love?"
During my undergraduate studies I performed a study just as this one. After I read this story out loud to the participants, they were to immediately state the genders of the two characters in the story. My results were as followed: 48/56 stated a man and a woman, 5/56 stated the genders were never mentioned, and 3/56 did not complete the survey. After I disclosed that the two people in the story were women, most responded with guilty/surprised looks on their faces.
Not that a blog entry needs to have a point or anything, but my hope in writing this post is that some individual out there will realize that love is not one simple idea that happens between a man and a woman, but rather love is complex and relative to the individual.
To close, love is for the individual and the individual alone. With that said...Love who you want when you want.
Anonymous
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