Free

Most of us are raised to believe in a semi-specific meta-narrative. Mine was set in Judeo-Christian values. I grew up in the Nazarene Church, a fairly strict organization. I remember believing, at an early age, that Jesus Christ was my salvation, but if my actions ever strayed from the straight and narrow, I could lose the salvation as easily as it was given to me. Seems strange doesn't it? To be given a gift only to lie awake at night fearing that if you ever show yourself unworthy (basically ever show yourself at all) your only inheritance would be eternal suffering.

I became a fervent Christ follower. I went to a Baptist high school, never touched alcohol or drugs, took a vow to abstain from sex before marriage and made sure that none of my goals or desires came before my willingness to serve God. I suppose there are less appropriate things to dedicate your life to, but things got a little complicated when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay.

*GASP* The G word!!?

This couldn't be true? I prayed and intermittently fasted for 365 days that I would be cleansed or healed or whatever needed to happen to "fix" me. I mean, one of the last papers I wrote for my senior English class was entitled, "Why Homosexuality is Wrong"...I got a perfect score!

I was attending a Christian University when I had my first girl on girl romance. We quickly became a leper colony of two, but I couldn't care less. I was absolutely exhausted. You can only fight yourself for so long. I had a New Testament professor who encouraged his students to question scripture. He was a believer, but acknowledged translation errors and taught us to be scholars of the Bible. We can't be literalists just because we are afraid we might get something wrong.

I have always been terrified of my mother. She was the authoritarian in the family. She is intelligent, beautiful and successful. She isn't great at relationships, (I had four step-dads) but she always had me. I was her fearless body guard, even when I was a little one. I couldn't handle disappointing her and I knew that my homosexuality would be a huge let down. We went through an unrelated rough patch in which we didn't talk for about nine months. I moved away and distanced myself because I had to be my own person without fear of her sabotaging  my goals. I never stopped feeling guilty for disappearing.

When we started talking again, I was hesitant to come out to her, but I knew I needed to be honest and accept the repercussions. She yelled and we fought. I thought I had lost her all over again but the next day she just went on like nothing had happened. She was in total denial. Anytime we would talk, she would ask about boyfriends and if she would meet my friends that happened to be guys, she would tirelessly insist that we should "get married and have cute babies."

We spent this past Christmas together and I realized that I felt like a fraud. I felt that I was hiding from her judgement in not talking about it. She kept asking about a guy friend of mine and insisting on how great we looked together. I felt so invisible. I was angry that she couldn't acknowledge who I was, am and what I want more than anything. I want a wife! I'm sorry but I want to come home to the woman that I love and am committed to. I want people, mostly her, to accept this as reality and just let us be.

So I spoke up. I finally told her about the persecution I experienced at the Christian University that, I mentioned earlier. She was upset that I went through so much, but she was also very clear that the Bible says "homosexuality is wrong!" I immediately shared the verses in Scripture that I had researched and how the Greek translation of the word "homosexual" meant something different then, than it does today in our culture. I was playing quarterback on her field. I couldn't just say that I have doubts about our faith because I wanted to win her over, convert her understanding, if you will.

She shut me down. She said that I was being defensive and that's how I should know that I'm wrong. Then she did something unusual. My mother doesn't quit with me. If she wants to change something about my life, my plans or my goals, she creates a path of destruction until she either gets her way or I run away, but she stopped. She said, "do whatever you want, just know you're wrong." and she left it at that.

It hit me in the morning when she just continued like it hadn't happened that I don't need to accept it.

We went on that day to visit her old friends from the town in which I spent my childhood. She would mention one of my guy friends when they would talk about their daughters' weddings and I just smiled and played along. Something in her needs to see me as her perfectly straight daughter and for the longest time I needed her to get over that.

Something changed that night when we argued about the Bible. We didn't scream and I didn't cry and she didn't tell me I was stupid and I didn't run away. We talked, disagreed and left it at that.

If she can grow that much, then it is possible for me to evolve as well. I can realize that I don't need anyone to respect my love. I don't need my mother's approval of my coworkers' or even the state's. All I will ever need is to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and know that I was honest with myself and that I didn't let something good slip through my fingers because someone else wasn't ready for me to have it.

Whether or not my scriptural research justifies my life in the minds of traditional believers; If the God of the Bible is real and he does involve himself in our daily crap, His grace exceeds my foolish missteps. My genuine love for my partner must be anything but sinful.

Cahte

So it occurred to me today that the majority of the postings on this blog are about romantic relationships and although that is what many people would equate with love, there are so many other experiences in which love can be expressed in the world. Love can be shown from friends, bosses, co-workers, family and by complete strangers. The past couple of months I have been shown this type of love and I felt that it was important to acknowledge it here. So if I may...

Last month I wrote about my gratitude for the straight allies in our lives. This post is a piggy-back if you will but from a different angle. Upon thinking about how blessed I have been since late July this year, I have spent much time reflecting on the last year. As I said in my last post I was heavily and continually discriminated against at my last place of employment, to the extent of my job being threatened all because of my sexuality. Thankfully I was not fired and was able to part ways on my terms but the profoundly negative experiences I had there have definitely left me scarred. My self-esteem and confidence have been affected both personally and professionally and I am still working through a lot of hurt and anger, ultimately trying to let go, forgive and heal.

All things considered I am lucky. Despite these experiences, I have never been physically assaulted or cut off from anyone in my life, events that are still all too common within the LGTBQI community. After experiencing what I have, I realized that one of my great loves had been deeply affected as well. My love for teaching. Since I was a child I knew I wanted to become a teacher and the first three years of my career were for the most part, joyous. I love educating and connecting with students. Especially with the 'at-risk' population that I have concentrated on.

Because of the year I had, I became desperate and began contemplating other options. Anything that would get me out of the situation I was in. I thought I wanted to go back to school to pursue a different career and I eventually took a very difficult job on a whim just so I wouldn't have to return. I can honestly say that I had never felt so desperate in my life. Thankfully my current job literally fell in my lap and I was able to resume teaching.

My current employer recognizes and has protections of LGTBQI individuals in writing and they take discrimination very seriously. Unfortunately some of my students still express homophobic comments and initially I was unsure of how to handle the situation. I decided that I needed to go to my boss and discuss my concerns with her. Although I was terrified and exhausted with dealing this issue, I was not willing to compromise my beliefs and well-being or repeat my past situation. When I told my boss what was happening, she was appalled and took immediate action. I started to cry and said that it meant so much to be able to do what I love for a living and to finally be supported while doing it. There was a period not so long ago where I thought this wouldn't be possible and I would have to give up on my dream.

Like my boss, my co-workers are so supportive. Even though we may not see eye to eye on every situation we are still able to discuss our thoughts and feelings in a mature, respectful way. Honestly I am still in shock and unused to experiencing such overwhelming support. I have talked with my boss a couple of times about discrimination and I still dismiss it with the fact that some of society is still homophobic and making homophobic terms is more acceptable and she cut me off and said, "no, it isn't." This warms my heart.

I guess my message with this post is that you don't have to give up on your dream, or what you love if you have experienced discrimination. There are people out there that will accept you for who you are and stand up for you in the face of hate and intolerance. I just read an article in USA Today about a transsexual woman who at the age of 50 is playing basketball for a college despite the many odds that are stacked against her.

Admittedly I have been on the fence about the whole "It Gets Better" campaign. Don't get me wrong, I so appreciate all the work that Dan Savage has done and the movement that has resulted; but, that doesn't take away from the fact that when it sucks in the moment, it really sucks and looking to the future seems impossible. Fortunately I do know from personal experience that it does get better and that one should not give into bullies or bigots because their views are flawed on so many different levels.

All this to say, hold onto what you love. Don't sacrifice what you love despite the hate that is out there. You owe it to yourself to stay true to yourself. Yes I almost gave up and I am so glad that I didn't. My whole life has been changed by this job-my mental, physical and emotional health have all improved. Now this is not to say that one should stay in an unsafe, unhealthy environment. Get out! No one deserves to endure constant discrimination. Ever. Period. But seek out other options. They are out there.

Speaking from experience, sometimes I become short sighted and frustrated that change isn't happening fast enough; but it is happening. Today there are 10 states in which there is marriage equality not to mention there are a record number of out legislatures in all different areas of government. Professional athletes are coming out in support of the LGTBQI community and condemning homophobia in traditionally male dominated areas including football. Bottom line, the times are changing and things are getting better. Slowly. I have to remind myself of this when I become too passionate...

Yes it is exhausting, humiliating, demoralizing and infuriating to have to constantly defend yourself and fight for your freedom, but in my experience, it is worth it. Although I endured hell I know that I made differences. Coworkers told me that they used to be ignorant of LGTBQI issues but after speaking with me they became more sensitive. Students who presented as being overtly homophobic continued to hug me daily after they found out about my sexuality. I am not advocating that everyone take on the fight to change minds; but I will encourage people to stay true to who they are. No matter what. Of course stay safe and I don't think everything should be viewed as a fight, but for me, these encounters became small victories that were game changing. Sure I could not change the place that I worked for, but I could change minds, one at a time and that was equally as important.

At the end of the day you are all wonderful, beautiful, strong, courageous individuals and my admiration for you is endless. If you are currently struggling in a situation, don't give up. There are other options out there. Have hope that you will find one that works for you. Don't let anyone take what you love away from you. Fight the good fight, whatever that may be for you and stay true to you.

I am a huge Greek mythology nerd and one of my favorite myths is the myth of Pandora. We have all heard of her infamous box and how her curiosity overcame her and she opened the box that she was instructed not to. As she opened the box,   all of the evils that we know in the world today escaped. Sorrow, hunger, pain, war, the list goes on. What is not mentioned more often however is that Pandora was able to close the box just before the last things escaped. That last thing was hope and because she saved it, humans were able to have hope despite all of the world's evils.

The Greeks, like many cultures, believed in myths in order to explain what is not known or understood. The world's evils are most certainly not understood and are quite difficult to comprehend. Sometimes I become overwhelmed with how evil this world can seem and how prolific pain is. For me though, hope is a huge saving grace because from what I have experienced through hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that hope and love go hand in hand. When we love, we hope that we will be taken care of and safe. When we hope, we hope that we will find love and be loved.

Sometimes life can be so difficult it seems unbearable. When this happens, maintain hope. Know that you are not alone and there are hundreds like you who know what you are going though. Through hope they were able to survive and find their love, romantic, professional, or otherwise. Through hope, maintaining and having love is in fact possible.

Mia

So on the eve of what has become the most important election of my life to date, and being sick to my stomach thinking about the potential outcome, I have decided to take a break from incessantly checking political updates every 5 minutes and instead take a moment to pause and reflect on what I am grateful for, seeing that this is the month in which 'thanks' is observed.

My first thought was being grateful for our brave forefathers and mothers of the LGTBQI community that have forged this fight. The courage they had for standing up, loud and proud against severe and pervasive hate and discrimination and paving the road for me today. These individuals are the reason why I can live my life out with my girlfriend without major fear of being injured physically, emotionally and mentally as well as live in a time when the President of the United States has come out stating that there should be equal rights for all, including marriage for the LGTBQI community.

Reflecting on President Obama and the decision he made to come out himself, made me realize how very thankful I am for the Allied straight community that is fighting just as hard, if not harder, to earn equal rights for the LGTBQI-ers. President Obama took a huge risk in speaking publicly about legalizing marriage for all because this is still a very controversial issue today. Many argued that this was a political tactic in order to mobilize the LGTBQI into voting for him, and be this as it may, there were and still are just as many people outside the community that are on the fence or entirely opposed to this issue that he may have further polarized with his announcement. Plain and simple he took a risk because no one before him made such a huge statement of support.

My girlfriend and I were discussing straight allies and she made a very interesting point that had not occurred to me. She argued that straight people have their own moments of coming out when they acknowledge that they have LGTBQI family members, friends and loved ones. Sure this coming out experience may not be as difficult for straight people, but they still risk judgement, ridicule, backlash and being ostracized y members of their community when coming out in support of LGTBQI rights.

On May 9th, 2012, President Barack Obama came out to the United States of America that he is in support of legalizing marriage for all. After following President Obama for years even before his presidency, I know that this has been an issue that he has struggled with and did not initially support. Over time he said, and after speaking with families of LGTBQI people, he came to realize that we are no different. That we deserve the same basic rights and happiness that the members of the straight community have.

Another important straight ally that deserves recognition is Ted Olson, the Republican lawyer working to overturn Prop 8 that banned marriage for all in the State of California after it had been approved 8 months earlier. Ted Olson has been quoted saying that "gay marriage is not a liberal or conservative issue, rather that it is an American issue." Legalizing marriage for all notoriously is associated with the liberal parties and more often than not, many conservative parties either shy away from this issue or damn it all together. Despite the fact that Olson identifies as a straight member of a conservative party, he is still working hard to guarantee legal rights for a community that as of now has very few.

I have the privilege and fortune of knowing many wonderful straight allies that are even more loud about equal rights than I am. What makes my heart swell with love is the compassion and empathy that these individuals have for me and the LGTBQI community. Unfortunately I have found in my experience that humans tend to be somewhat narcissistic and selfish creatures with the mentality of 'how does this best serve me.' As a result, unless someone is personally affected by an issue, he or she may not have an awareness of the sensitive nature of the issue at hand.

Take the Chick-Fil-A controversy that emerged this past fall. When Dan Cathy came out and stated that he believed in 'traditional marriage between one man and one woman' and that he did in fact donate monetary proceeds to groups that have worked hard to limit the rights and freedoms of the LGTBQI community, I will admit that many of my straight friends did not seem, to me, to have compassion for me. Many of my straight friends considered this to simply be an act of freedom of speech, which is protected under the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution; and yes, although Dan Cathy has every right to say what he wants, his actions is where the problem stemmed. His actions were donating millions of dollars to groups that promote intolerance and many of my friends could not see how their $5 purchase, which would go to Cathy's profits and then into his donations, could make much of a difference.

From my perspective, for things to change, action must take place. I believe that much of my generation is complicit and jaded. I hear over and over again how 'voting doesn't matter' and that 'nothing will ever change anyway' but I agree to disagree. Take the Civil Rights Movement for example. Here was an entire population of people that had absolutely no rights in the nation for generations and through organized movement they were able to enact change. When Rosa Parks refused to move from her seat on the bus that day, movement started. The Montgomery Bus Boycott was the answer to the discrimination she faced and this movement was in fact successful. Because enough people protested by car pooling, biking or walking to their destinations, the bus department suffered and laws were changed.

Sure this may seem like one small example in the scheme of all of history, but it is an important one. People of African-American decent were not the only ones protesting; people of Caucasian decent were protesting too. These individuals were risking their physical safety and in some instances their lives to stand up to injustice.

I digress. Throughout the whole Chick-Fil-A drama I kept citing this historical movement to argue that yes in fact if each person does stop buying from this restaurant then the money will add up and Dan Cathy could in fact be affected. Along these same lines, I cannot help but bring up my straight friends that claim they support LGTBQI rights but are voting for Romney tomorrow. Romney has come out publicly stating that he believes marriage is between one man and one woman and that there are gay families having children and that is not right. Romney is in favor of less government interference in personal lives, but is more than willing to write a federal amendment to the Constitution defining marriage between one man and one woman. I understand that legalizing marriage for all is not the only issue on the platform this election and that there are many other issues at hand, but to me this is a drastically important issue of human rights.

I can not count on one hand the members of the LGTBQI community that have been physically assaulted simply for being affectionate in public or for dressing in what was comfortable for him or her. Suicides within the LGTBQI community have been on the rise due to discrimination and hate. Deaths resulting from hate crimes still occur not to mention physical mutilations as well as acts of other torture. We still live in a nation where marriage is legal for all in only six states but in 23 states a person can have sex with a horse legally. I cannot even begin to express just how demeaning and infuriating this fact it.

Another aspect of this issue of human rights is happiness free from discrimination. Marriage provides many legal protections that civil unions do not and which many people are not aware of. Becoming legally married provides for hospital visitation rights, tax cuts, joint custody and survivor benefits, just to name a few. Many people are not in favor of full marriage but suggest civil unions are the way to go. Unfortunately, civil unions lack close to 1,200 legal protections that full legal marriage provides for. Some people argue that it is simply a piece of paper and that it shouldn't matter, but in the cases of survivors of partners that have died while in combat who are not receiving benefits and the non biological parent of a same-sex family, these rights become life changing.

For the most part I have led a discrimination-free and supported lesbian lifestyle, but this last year I was discriminated against at my work. It got ugly and facts were twisted, people lied and my job was ultimately threatened simply for standing up for myself and for the open gay students at my school. In the end I was told that homophobic slurs are no big deal because today in society although people may say them, there is no harm intended. (Mind you this was my initial complaint to HR and this was the findings they produced from their investigation).

It has been a year and I am still deeply affected by the lack of support and persecution I experienced at this former employer. Remembering my experiences there still make me sick to my stomach and makes my blood boil. Because of the discrimination I experienced I questioned and doubted myself. Not only did myself become affected, but I started to lose faith in people and distrust them automatically. When encountering a new situation my walls are up and I am prepared to defend myself in a fight because of what I experienced. I have been deeply changed because of this place and I am still working on getting myself back.

There was one woman in particular who stood up for me and by my side at this place of employment. Yes there were many people that voiced support for me which meant the world, but this one woman took her support to a new level and told our supervisors that the was I was being treated was unacceptable. I do not speak with this woman anymore, our lives have grown apart, but I was be forever grateful for the kindness and support she offered me. I had never felt so alone in my life as I did then, and her verbal actions gave me a glimmer of hope that I was in fact not alone.

In my field we are taught that giving no response is a silent approval. I could not agree more with this statement. I have no problem standing up for myself and my community, I have plenty of practice, but it means so much when a straight person stands up for me. Sure I will stand up for myself, it is expected. It is my fight. But when a straight person stands up and defends me, it is not his or her fight but he or she is still saying the discrimination is not alright. This person risks his or her physical, mental and emotional safety for my well being. This is an act of profound selflessness.

I can say from experience that standing up to injustice is terrifying, especially when the fight is not yours and for this reason I am and will always be eternally grateful for the straight allies in the community fighting for equal rights and treatment. For outing themselves in their support. For the PFLAG moms and dads. For the members of GSAs in schools around the country. For the first grade teacher that breaks down gender stereotypes when one of her students is presenting gender identity confusion or questioning. For the father that wore a skirt in public because his son chose to wear a skirt that day. For the friends that have invited me to their weddings in which I have paid much money to attend and recognizing that I do not have this right and hope that I will someday. For the friends that have asked that for birthday presents, donations be made to organizations fighting for marriage equality. For the people that may have been uncertain at first but over time have come to acceptance and found love again.

I will admit that sometimes I become lost in my fear, sorrow, pain and anger and I do not always see that good that is being done and progress that is being made; but tonight I feel that it is important to recognize all that our straight community has in fact done for us. We cannot win this fight without them and should not. They are very much a part of our community as the rest of the LGTBQI and I feel that often times they are left out. I know many wonderful parents, siblings, educators, mentors, employers, activists that are straight and fighting and I do not want their fight to be unnoticed and unheard.

So in closing to all of the straight allies out there, I am grateful for you. For your confidence, courage, determination, compassion and empathy. For thinking about others than yourselves and for possibly even putting them before yourself. I love you more than words can say.

Thank you

Mia

Poem 1

If My Tits Could Speak

If my tits could speak,
they would say a body is a
perfect place to keep secrets.
A body is a terrible place to keep
secrets.

We are your tits.
We are not Judas. We know the
shudder you keep above your
bones when you look at us.
But how many times will we
have to save your life for us to
convince you we are not
treacherous. We are the lonely
sentinels of your sex in a public
bathroom.

We know sometimes you
daydream about your lost naked
tomboy chest screaming like a
dust colored beacon from the
tops of olive trees. Would you
believe us if we told you we were
there that day. That we have
always been here here, we are not
Brutus or Cassius, we are not
usurpers.
Still, you bandage where there is
no wound, you bind where there
is no break.

How long have you felt like a
pirate ship? We have always felt
like stowaways.
You study the blueprints of more
handsome vessels and dream of
amputating us like gangrenes or
frostbite. You don't trust the
timbers you were built from, you
think you are rotten. You are not
rotten. We are figureheads
cutting a swatch through the sea
for you. Can't you see us? Can't
you see yourself?



Poem 2

Adrienne

I am a howler monkey in a
nursery
I am a tomboy who's lost her first
foot race.
I say your name in my sleep.
It moves in my mouth like the
first
glass of water the morning after
a bender.
Prop me up from collapsing back
into hangover stagnation.

Still.

Sometimes I am a broken
accordion.
Sometimes I miss every bus I
run for.

1.
My phone has run out of battery.
So I lay myself in trash heap,
thinking
I am corrupted SIM card.
Eroded and stripped
miniature screw guts

Pick me over for love letter text messages.

Then some days
I am on the bus. I am heading for home.

You are too good looking to be a cell phone tower.
You, my North Pole. My magnetic orientation.


2.
We are out of candy.

Okay, I ate it all.

You jitterbug at the convenience store.
I shake the snow from my shoulders.


3.
I want to write a love poem from Wolverine to Storm,
I need your help.

How many times have you
broken open my shell,
not hesitating when you find
scales instead of feathers.

You whip my head back, you
open my mouth.
I am bleary eyed, laughed into a
coma.

Talk me out of bad tattoos and
movie ideas.
I will talk you out of MC names
and groceries you won't eat.


4.
I wish I was a composer, I wake
up to your eyelashes
harping me to learn
to play.

I wish I was a blacksmith,
all the water inside me is boiling.
Everything I am will melt,
but that second before: you are
bellows
at my ear, I am the hardest I will
ever be.

I wish I was an artist.
I wish this so often I dream that I
already am.

I have painted your body so
many times
inside my head, you are the
most recognizable person
in the civilization of my sleep.


Mary

I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 22. Because of this, I had to both find myself and find out who I was with a partner at a later age than most people do. And how difficult it was to be in my mid 20s and trying to figure out how to be with someone, when I feel like that was something I should have learned at an earlier age, like in high school or college. Once I was 22, I had my first girlfriend and then was a serial monogamist. I always had someone on the back burner. I didn't get to ever go through the young adult thing by myself. A part of that was because of the late start I had, and then all of the serious relationships.

Every person I dated, even the bad ones, the ones I realized that I was not compatible with at all, I have taken so many wonderful things from each relationship. Through each relationship, I learned what I want in a partner. So I was finding out who I wanted to be with and what I didn't want; but, I was lacking who I was myself.

It wasn't until my late 20s, when I finally knew what I was looking for, and at that point was able to break off a relationship knowing that it was the right choice, knowing that I didn't need someone waiting in the wings. And now that I had that idea of who the person I was looking for, I could stop looking and focus on myself. This was at age 29 where I realized that I am pretty awesome and am fine being alone.

And then, I was at that really good place, when my perfect someone stumbled in. My message of hope would be that despite having an alternative lifestyle or being gay and growing up in Kansas and not realizing it until college, no matter how late the start, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We had a GSA but no one was out and I wasn't able to explore it. I was only 19.

After college I moved to Virginia, a brand new place with a first girlfriend and I was finally able to completely live that lifestyle. I didn't know anybody in Virginia and I didn't have to explain it to anybody.

It was a late start. It was really confusing. It felt like I didn't have that background of anyone in high school or college so I had nothing. There was however, a light at the end of my tunnel. I didn't see it until I was almost 30. The process of self-discovery for me was put second to what I wanted and needed in a partner.

Regardless of what gender you date, or what age you are, when it begins, it is necessary to stay true to yourself and what you need and what you want out of your life and what your goals and aspirations are. This crosses all boundaries of anyone in any relationship. This is something that I learned through the entirety of my 20s and evaluating the trials and tribulations of my dating past. That was the longest class I took. But I got there. That is the most important thing.

Suzanne

30 Minutes of Something Wonderful

Movies have been a source of escape for me my entire life. As long as I can recall, I have found myself lost in them. Lost in the possibility that it could be me on the other side of that screen. Me living that impossible dream. I have always been disheartned by those who say that love cannot possibly be like the movies. That the notion itself is unrealistic. Life doesn't happen like the movies. But somewhere deep inside, I always believed it could. And then it did.

Technology is an incredible thing. In today's world it more often than not draws us away from each other. It occupies our time in negative ways. We don't interact person to person. We socialize machine to machine. However, thanks to technology, I found her. My co-star. My leading lady. Or so I thought. I had just come out of a four year relationship. Kaput. It was over. It was over due to my discovery of her infidelity via this wondrous technological cave we dwell in. Yes, I invaded her privacy. Yes, that was crossing a boundary. And yes, she was cheating on me.

Here is where it gets a little wild. Her new love interest was in the same field of work and initially I just put off their friendliness to that aspect. The other woman was engaged and ha been in a relationship of ten years.  Ten. Uno, dos, tres...you get it. A decade. Anywho, I revealed nothing upon my discovery of said infidelity. Hell, the woman lived two states away. We were all friends on ye old Facebook and so I simply friended her fiance. Mainly in jest that the fiance and I could post on each other's walls and show our other halves how foolish they were being. Still, I knew what was going on and the poor fiance was clueless.

Time marched on and the fiance began to ask me questions about things. I did not want to add any fuel to the fire that I was unsure may have even existed. I was single and free. She was about to marry someone she thought she knew. And, she knew her alright. Eventually, I revealed my knowledge and her heart was broken. We began confiding in each other via email and Facebook. We texted often. And eventually, we talked in real time on the phone. Our phone visits became more frequent and she was trying to figure out what to do with this mess she had found herself in.

She called me in the moments of frustration. She called me from the park by the river when she needed to get out of the house and away to think. She was lost. Her world had just been flipped and I was the one who flipped it. I felt guilty but here she was wanting to know more. More about me. About what I knew. And I was finding myself strangely attracted to that.

My previous four year relationship was my first girlfriend. I met her when I was twenty seven. I had not yet come to the realization of my love for women. Of course, once I did, my life began to make sense. I honestly thought that maybe  I had found what I had been missing. I had never dated guys growing up or even had any interest in them other than close friendships. I was a tried and true Gold Star if there ever was one. Never even kissed a guy. But what I did not know was that she was not THE one. We worked well enough and it was not unpleasant on the whole but it wasn't what was meant for me. I was unaware.

Back to the fiance. Our texting became insane. Ridiculous even. I'm talking teenager insane. In the thousands per month. It was my drug. My connection to this person I only knew via technology. I saw pictures, yes but it was her being that was drawing me in. Her voice. The way she sounded when she talked with me. The way she trusted me.

After a couple of months of this banter back and forth, we decided to meet. She had not completely rid herslef of her other half. They had lived together ten years. A houseful of a decade of living together. That is not erased quickly. But she made the decision to drive throught two states and spend a weekend with me. And now thinking about it. This weekend is the one year anniversary of the weekend. Irony. And maybe fate is intervening in this moment creating this as a release for me to let it go once and for all. Shit, guess I just ruined the outcome...

So, the day she was to drive down was full of anticipation for me. I was in a new flat starting over and coming out of my relationship. I did not have much in my new place but what I had was perfectly placed and ready for her arrival. I live in a locked building. I would have to buzz her in but we had decided to meet at my door. First sighting. I had even covered the peep hole on my door from the outside so that I did not have an unfair advantage.

She called me just outside of downtown to get better directions and I actually saw her car pass my building. I could not see her but knowing she was in that car as I looked from my fifth floor window was enough to make my heart explode. She parked and told me she was on her way in. That was the longest five minutes I can recall (my stomach is currently in waves recalling it). She knocked. I stood on the other side of the door and in that split second had no idea what was in store. Nor did she.

I partially opened the door and peeked around. Her face had such a look of relief. Of release. I opened the door and as she walked through and dropped her bags, I fell into her arms and I had never felt more at home. It is like I had been submerged and finally was given permission to come up and breathe. It was something I had never experienced. And in that moment, I realized how love was supposed to feel.

There were no words. Just holding each other as we stood. Had we not had each other to hold, I am certain we both would have collapsed.

There is so much beyond the words I could put to this but here I sit one year (nearly to the day) later recalling this moment that was my movie scene and how the whole brief relationship blew by. I can't even begin to count how many movie scenes I lived out in those short months but they were there. I had them. I HAVE them. They are tucked away in the recesses of my mind. But for her, she was waiting for that dramatic climax. That was a turning point because for her the movie had to have a plot twist. Her previous movies always did. But it never came. She waited and it never came. I was a constant. I was the happily ever after and she knew it. But she ended the scene. She wasn't ready for the happily ever after. She yelled, "CUT!"

Steel Magnolias is one of my all time favorite movies. The killer moment for me is the scene where Shelby and her mom argue about her pregnancy. If you are not familiar with the movie, you need to know that her body was not capable of handling a pregnancy. Her mother knew this and upon the recent announcement was not thrilled. Her baby was going to have a baby and it could kill her. No mother would be, I suppose. But the tear jerker is when Shelby asks her mom to recall the one thing she always told her children growing up. What was the one thing that she always wished for her children. Her mother says that all she had ever wished is for them to be happy. That's it. And to that, Shelby tells her mother, "Momma, I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." I cry. Every. Single. Time.

Stef, you were my 30 minutes. I will never forget you but I must let you go. I now know how love can be and should be. But you were not my leading lady. You were the stand in and the film was not yet complete. My lady was not yet cast. However, I am currently (thanks to technology) getting to know my leading lady. She lives abroad. And I am very excited about this foreign film...

Tara

The other morning my friend Robyn and I met for brunch to enjoy delicious food while discussing love. I quickly explained the intention of the blog to Robyn and she began by telling me about her coming out experience.

She started by retelling me that when she began realizing that she was in fact a lesbian, true to her Gemini nature, she began researching coming out and being gay. At the age of 27 it dawned on her that  she was gay-something that had never occurred to her before. According to Robyn, 'I had no idea that I was gay until I kissed that girl.'

Over eggs, oatmeal, green chili and tea, Robyn and I discussed the idea of love-the love that breaks down all the pre-conceived notions of what a relationship should be and how one should act in a relationship.

Robyn discussed her current relationship and how at the age of 45, her fiancee challenged her in ways that she never knew to be possible. These challenges had a way of unwinding all of the protective shit that had been wrapped around her for years. Despite becoming unglued, if you will, by the sharing and revealing of self, and breaking down of walls, Robyn admitted this to be gift.

Allowing someone into your deepest, darkest, most painful secrets and life experiences can be scary to say the least, but the gift that Robyn was referring to was giving all of your self to your partner. True love is waking up next to someone without make-up, sleep in the eyes, complete with morning breath and having your partner smile and tell you that you are beautiful.

Being with another person, truly being with someone, is allowing for and accepting these moments. You can't wake up before the person to put on your make-up and brush those teeth everyday for the rest of your life, nor should you; you have to allow that person to see you for who you really are. Spending your life with someone, for the rest of your life will include sickness, tantrums, fights, mental breakdowns and morning breath. Allowing someone to see these moments and these sides of you, that is love.

One trick, Robyn revealed, is to go out and accept that love. Too many times do the pre-conceived notions and walls built from past experiences get in the way or prevent us from receiving the love that is presented to us. Making ourselves vulnerable and letting those walls down can be terrifying due to past judgement but allowing yourself to be loved is the key here. Remember that you are in fact worthy of that love.

In terms of being Out, Robyn admitted that she figured any event, advertised as gay or not, is gay if she arrives. It is gay enough if she is there. Robyn has written on the subject of pride and having and living pridefully Out after our designated weekend of celebrating, and she has had people respond that they are not defined by their sexuality. Although Robyn agrees with this statement, she argues that one reason why she lives so very Out is that because society stills assumes that people are heterosexual until proven otherwise. Sure there maybe other aspects to one's personality and lifestyle other than sexuality, but one's sexuality is still a very important part of the person and because of this one should in fact be prideful and Out.

Sure we still live in a society where some promote hate and pass judgement but part of having pride is being Out. As was said earlier, the love is there, even when it comes to living an Out lifestyle. Receive it! Go Out and grab the love!

Check out Robyn's BlogSpot at thejoyofbeingyou.blogspot.com

Robyn Vie-Carpenter