There are moments in history, both good and bad, uplifting as well as tragic, which leave lasting imprinted memories on people. For me some of these memories include the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake, the moments when I found out that Princess Dianna and Biggie Smalls had died, and the night that President Barack Obama was elected president in 2008. I have always loved studying and learning about history and have very much enjoyed hearing first hand accounts from elder people in my life recalling their memories of when these such moments occurred. The falling of the Berlin Wall, when Kennedy and MLK Jr. were assassinated, or the decade long Vietnam War.

The past two days I have been glued to my computer listening to live feeds of the testimonies from the Supreme Court cases regarding Prop8 and DOMA, debating with people about the moral and consitutional framework for these issues and genrally being shocked and pleased with the amount of the support that can be seen on computers and televisions.

FaceBook has 'turned red' in support for marriage equality not only from members of the LGTBQI community but from straight allies as well. Many people argue that we in today's American society are addicted to our technology and lack human connection. Be this as it may, one benefit of this technology is the social movement. I have seen and read many different opinions about changing profile pictures but for me it is an issue of solidarity. Being a member of a minority population that does not have legal protections or rights in my state, I often feel that people do not support me and my rights. Seeing how quickly all of the profile pictures changed however, reminded me that there are so many people that do in fact support this cause that is so personal to me and thousands of others.

This morning a dear friend texted me expressing frustration over a family member that was challenging her and her sexuality and once again passing judgement upon her lifestyle. My first response was to remind her to breath and my second was to remind her to return the judgement with love, to be the change she wishes to see. I admit that I often fall victim to these heated debates as my passion usually gets the better of me, but I reminded her that we are fortunate to be gay, fighting for our rights today.

I have friends in different generations that came out decades ago in a time when there was little to no gay right's movement at all and their experiences are full of struggle and difficulty. There are so many stories where gay people got married to a member of the opposite gender because being gay and out wasn't an option back then. LGTBQI-ers were mocked and ridiculed and there were absolutely no legal protections for this group of people. Rather, there were laws in place that discriminated against and persecuted this population which created great oppression.

The Stonewall Riots were not all that long ago, especially considering that there is evidence of homosexual activity that dates back thousands of years. In the forty some odd years since Stonewall, American society has made great progress in protecting, recognizing and enfranchizing members of this community. Today there are 9 states as well as the Distric of Colombia that allow same-sex marriage. There are many public figures and celebrities that are endorsing equal rights for the LGTBQI population as well as courts that are overturning laws that promote discrimination and oppression.

As a child I became angry and upset very quickly when issues were not solved immediately, and my mother always reminded me that change and progress are slow moving processes. Sure there is still the instant gratification part of me that demands that change occur now, but I must remind myself that progress is progress and 1 small step forward is still a movement in the direction of change. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Sometimes I think it is easy to miss small changes when focused on the major change. There have been very small victories in my personal life that mean just as much as the major changes that have occurred. One of my coworkers told me awhile back that he used to use discriminatory language and didn't think twice about it. After listening to me and hearing how these words affected me, he decided to change and encouraged others to do the same. For me this was a small change that could have a bigger outcome and it meant the world.

Change is terrifying for so many different people. Change can be new and uncomfortable, that is why so many are so resistant. Forcing someone to change immediately can cause a defensive reaction and the resistance may become stronger; whereas simply suggesting change may produce a more open response that in turn could result in a potential to change. Over the past couple of years, I have heard about so many situations in which someone was completely against LGTBQI rights but after interacting with people within this community and getting to know them as individuals, these same people's views began to broaden and change.

Sick to my stomach with nerves and anxiety, I am terrified of the outcome of these two cases. The majority of this nation supports equality, but there are those, some being on the Supreme Court, that are arguing that change may be coming too quickly. Of course I hope that the Supreme Court will overturn both laws and we will be one step closer to true equality, but there is part of me that is scared to get my hopes up. At the end of the day, I know that the past couple of days will be some of those moments that will be recorded in history that I may be teaching about someday in the future.

No matter the outcome, I am proud to be alive in this moment.

Mia

It has been almost two years since my first entry to this blog in which I reflected on my own personal struggle with being a codependent in and to relationships. I am responsible for my own actions and have no one else to blame, but I do believe that we as Americans live in a society that fosters codependent mentalities. From movies to TV shows and music lyrics to magazine articles, the majority of these messages are how to find a partner, how to better yourself in order to find a partner and ultimately how to keep a partner happy. There are very few messages within our society that champion being single and independent, especially for women.

In that first post I discussed how my best friend dubbed me a love addict and that love was my drug. Having returned from a lovely weekend celebrating his 10th sober birthday I have been thinking a lot about addiction, and this all consuming disease. I attended a crystal meth anonymous meeting with him in order to give him a cake, and a man shared his story of use and coming to sobriety. He said something that struck me. He talked about the insanity in his head that results when he used. Along with his insanity, he talked about how self centered his thinking and behavior was when he used and how his addiction controlled both his thoughts as well as his actions.

When thinking about addiciton, most people connotate addiction with drugs and/or alcohol but from my own past and experiences I know that people can be addicted to much more than just drugs and alcohol. This particular friend of mine has always said that he is so glad that I never had the urge to use drugs and alcohol because I have the mentality of an addict. I am self-centered, my ego is huge and more often than not I make any situation about me. Furthermore I have insecurities as well as many self-hating thoughts and because I have not always respected myself, I have not always made respectable choices. Although I may not have been a typical addict that used meth or cocaine to get high, my addiction has been to love.

From the moment I met someone new, she was it. She was the one. I would fall fast and hard. I would get lost in the high of the newness of the relationship and the rest of the world would slip away from me. When telling friends about her the first thing out of my mouth would be, "we had an instant connection and I don't think anyone has ever gotten me so quickly." The most important thing was this new relationship. More specifically, the high that I was getting from this new relationship. The flirting, those first kisses, the pillow talk and the butterflies were all reinforcers of this high that I could not shake. I wanted these reinforcers all day, every day and I would put this new relationship first in order to feel these highs.

I would text this new person during work. I would cancel plans with friends so that I could see her. I would spend every waking moment thinking about how and when I would see her next, obsessing about the high I felt as a result of interacting with her. Receiving texts and surprises always resulted in a mini high, but nothing like actually getting to see and touch this new woman. No matter the distance or my schedule, I would drive miles and hours chasing that high. I didn't care. It was all in the name of love.

Like clockwork the high would eventually begin to subside. We would get to know one another and the butterflies would die off. I became more desperate trying to recreate the initial high, working harder in order to recreate it. Because the inital high was wearing off I became more desperate to recreate the first high and became more entranced with the relationship.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, for me the high was never the same or as strong and the relationship would start to fizzle. Like the good love addict that I am, even though I was aware of this, I held on. Although I knew that the relationship was doomed and should end, it was more scary to let go of my addiction and the relationships even though it was not working and was unhealthy for me. A friend of my friend this weekend said that in the midst of an addiction, life becomes shit. Although life maybe shit, it is still comfortable to lie in that shit. The trick is recognizing that shit is shit and we don't have to lie in it anymore.

The one man who shared his story at the meeting touched on a sensitive subject for me. Self-esteem. He mentioned that he didn't like himself in fact he hated himself so he used. He used so he wouldn't have to feel or be aware. I know that I used relationships to distract myself from how I felt about myself in a similar fashion. I didn't like myself and I used relationships to validate myself. I internalized that if someone was with me and loved me, then I must be lovable.

I hit my rock bottom about two and a half years ago. I was in an unhealthy relationships, traveling every weekend and leaving my life behind. A couple of months in I knew the relationship was ending and that I was losing myself and my mom gently urged me to end the relationship because I was no longer happy. I heard what she was saying, but I was not ready to deal with it. Ending the relationship meant that I would have to deal with myself, something I desperately did not want to do. Needless to say the relationship ended a week later and this was the best thing that could have happened to me.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over, expecting a different result and this had become my life. I kept falling head first into relationships, completely and willingly losing myself hoping that the nextg relationship would be different. It never was. In fact they were only getting worse. After this relationship ended and realizing how far codependent I had become, I finally allowed myself to be single. To be sober from my addiction. Sure the first couple of days were riddled with anxiety attacks and sorrow, but like they say in the program, just hang on. Take it one day at a time. One minute if you have to.

Before long being single became easier for me, fun even. I rediscovered my life-my work, my friends and family and me time as well. Selfishly I could do what I wanted when I wanted and I didn't have to consider anyone else. This was new for me. I was constantly revolving my life around someone else and now I was only focusing on me. All that money I spent on that other person was now spent on me. I was dating myself and having a blast. I began to value myself and even like myself and through this I developed standards and expectations that were important to me in a relationship.

After nine months of being single, life threw me a curveball. I met someone. I was very hesitant at first. I finally found my strength and singledom, I didn't want to give it up. Like they say however you find love when you are least expecting it and so did I. A year and a half later we are still in a relationship and I am the happiest I have ever been. Although I still have moments of codependency, I have learned to let those go. I can be with her, while still maintaining my own life and this has made us stronger and happier. The pressure of being each other's one and only is gone becuase we have others, ourselves as well as each other.

Because I now respect myself, I can set limits without fear. Prior to this relationship I was too scared to stand up for myself and be honest because I didn't want to push my partner away. I was too afraid of losing that person to be true to myself. My girlfriend has even said that she appreciates that I can keep her in line and I feel the same. We have honest communication and respect one another and even though we have more difficult moments, we work our way through them. We are ourselves with each other and not trying to be someone else. We accept our differences and learn and grow from them.

One pivatol moment for me occurred about a year ago. We had plans to fly to Oklahoma City to surprise a friend for her birthday. The night before I came down with a horrendous stomach flu and could not go. The day of departure, we were both stressed about her leaving but decided that it was best if my girlfriend went. She rarely gets to see her friends and had spend money and I was an adult and could take care of myself. This moment was both terrifying but also liberating for me because it was a moment that I had to depend on myself. All this to say, I got through that weekend and now know that I can take care of myself.

I hope I have not offended anyone by comparing my love addiction to that of drugs and alcohol, but I see many similarities between the two. I can relate to so many people in the program talking about their dependence on their drug and use and it sounds oh so familiar to me. I don't consider myself sober but I recognize that I do have an addictive personality that needs to be kept in check. Like so many people in The Program, I need to work a program in order to stay sane and fucntional. I have worked some steps with my friend, particularly around fear and resentment and I have learned so much from these exercises.

All this to say I have learned that I can be in love and still be independent. I can still be myself while being with another person. A woman of great extremes, I have had difficulty finding a balance. I have had difficulty giving part of myself to another person, while maintaingin some for me. The most important thing I have learned is that in some of my most desperate moments be it physical, or emotional struggle, I can depend on myself. I can rely on someone, but not entirely.

One last, very important detail. Just because I have found happiness through independence, does not mean that I can stop working my program and forget what I have learned. I need where I have been so that I don't go back there. My friend has seen many of his friends relapse because they have stopped working their programs. I know that if I stop working my program I will fall back into my addiction of codependency. It has happened before and it can happen again. I had to admit to myself that I am powerless over love and when combined with my larger than life ego, I need to be careful.

The speaker at the crystal meth anonymous meeting shared that he was so happy being sober. Despite all the work it has been so worth it and he would never want to go back to his life of using. He said he felt free. Looking back he realized the drugs were holding him captive and I can relate. My dependency on relationships were holding me back and now that I have found myself, I am freed. After years of hard work, soul searching, therapy, moving one step forward and two steps back, through many ups and downs, I have gotten myself to a wonderful place. I am committed to an incredible partner and am sharing my life with her. This has been the greatest gift of my life and I am proud to say that I earned it. I have never worked so hard for something and am still working constantly. Even though I am giving much of myself to her, I am still remembering myself for me. It is my hope and goal that I will never again lose myself in another person.

I know I was under the impression that once I found this healthy relationship, that would be that. I would have found my happily ever after ending and it would have just been given to me. Life doesn't work this way. One must work for that happily ever after ending and not expect that it will simply happen. Furthermore, once that ending has been found, it is something that must continued to be worked on. Very little in life is given, rather it must be maintained.

For 10 years my friend has worked for his sobriety and to this day he considers himself an addict so that he will not forget himself. Many in The Program consider addiction a life-long disease. Although it can be overcome, it cannot be forgotten. I myself have worked for two and a half years now to remind myself that I too am an addict, my drug just so happens to be love and codependency. I have learned how to function in a relationship and have found balance here. In those moments of fear, sorrow, desperation and anger, I cannot only rely on her. I must also rely on me. Finally. It has not been easy, but it has been achieved.

My new high these days, is the high I find within myself. Within the life that I have created for myself. Yes, she contributes to my high, but she is not it. I am.

Mia

Anger was always a difficult emotion for me to feel. To express. To acknowledge. For the majority of my life I swallowed my anger, not wanting to make ripples or to make anyone else uncomfortable. I convinced myself that I was not an angry person.

Due to certain life events, my anger eventually surfaced and I began to realize it's root and even it's importance in my life. After I came out and the three years since, I feel like my anger has only exemplified. Never have I been hated on sight. Being told that I am and my friends and partner are going to Hell and are perverts incenses me. Not having the same legal rights and protections under the law makes my blood boil.

I was taught that if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. This was a very important moral instilled within me and I took it very seriously. I still do to this day. I treat people with respect and am polite and do my best not to judge, and I expect the same courtesies in return. As I grew and began to enter the adult world leaving behind my sheltered, privileged bubble of childhood innocence, I witnessed first hand that this expectation was not valued by all. This was an eye opening experience that to this day, still shocks me to my core.

Over this past year, after experiencing blatant discrimination in my place of work and the lack of support I had, I am afraid that my anger is intesifying. I feel like my anger is turning into a sort of rage akin to that of the Hulk that just wants to SMASH. A Leo through and through my image is very important to me and I have a hard time not being liked by, well, everyone I meet. (I realize this is my own insecurity that I am ardently working on to let go of). Being an out lesbian is a target and there are some that judge and hate me on sight alone.

I have seen anger fester inside people, eating them alive and I do not want to become this person. Alas, two struggles that I have within me are forgiveness and letting things go. I am a control freak and this beast within me, no matter how often quelled and subdued, always finds a way to rear it's ugly head and almost take control of me. Not to forsake responsibility, but I seriously feel like this is a force that is greater than me that I cannot master and it frightens me.

While at my last place of employment, when all of the discrimination was taking place, a like minded coworker suggest that I create and implement a tolerance building and cultural diversity lesson plan. I immediately loved this idea and set to work. I researched many different human rights advocates throughout history and presented their accomplishments to the students and we had many amazing discussions.

Nelson Mandela was one of these advocates that we studied in class. I had seen the movie Invictus when in came out and ever since then I have had a fascination/slight obession with the man and his humanity. Here is a man who was imprisoned in his home country for 27 years while fighting an Apartheid and upon release was voted into presidency. The first man of color to achieve this reality. When voted in, the country was still very much divided racially but he had the grace to unite the two factions and bring the country together.

If this man, who experienced racism, imprisonment and all sorts of other mental and physical tortures while being stripped of all of his rights, could come out on the other side uniting the country and ending an Apartheid, then I as a teacher who still has the majority of my freedoms and rights can learn to forgive and move forward as well.

I work in the mental health field and am often told and do believe that anger is a false emotion. Looking at my own anger it is easy for me to admit that my anger is a result of being hurt and also of being afraid. I am hurt by the treatment of others as well as the lack of empathy I experience. I am afraid that things will not change for me and that someday they may even get worse. I realize after years of self-discovery and self-evaluation that my anger is a defense mechanism. I become angry to make the "other" the villain and me the righteous hero as well as by pushing them away. If they are gone then they can't hurt me, right?! I see that if someone hurts me or makes me angry, I immediately write them off and build a wall to protect myself from them. I make them my enemy and myself the victim. Their cause is evil, while my cause is just.

Like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi is a favorite human of mine. His strength through the conviction of his beliefs inspires me to this day. A man of peace and love was able to change an entire nation without force or violence. He said, "When you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love."

I have struggled with this words on and off. Part of me sees the truth behind them; but then there is the other part of me that feels like since I am the one being oppressed, it should not be my job to make the situation better. This part of me believes that I am in the right and the other person is in the wrong, therefore it is the responsibility of that person to change his or her ways.

A good friend once told me that I can only clean up my side of the street. I need to let that control freak part of me go and work on me because that is the one and only thing I can in fact control. I can try to educate someone or present a different point of view to a person, but that is where it ends. Just as I do not want someone to force me into believing one thing, I cannot force another to believe something I want. Another moral my mother taught me was 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. Lastly, from my own experience when a person approaches me with anger and judgement, I become defensive. Rather, when a person comes at me with love, patience and an open mind, then we can often have a discussion, even if we disagree.

Gandhi also said that "We must be the change we want to see in the world" and I whole heartedly agree. If I let my anger get the better of me than I am doomed to beome an angry person contributing to fights and judgements and yelling. No progress or change can result here. But if I can learn to love despite and through my anger then maybe I can make change. Not necessarily on a global level, but for myself and in my life. And if I change myself maybe I can make changes in how I interact with others. Maybe a domino effect?

Although this sounds grand, to this day, remembering love while I am angry is still one of the most difficult lessons I am continuing to struggle with. It is a daily process that involves constant work. Even though I am not there completely, I can feel a slight shift within me. There are changes, small, but they are there. Yes I still experience discrimination and it pains me every time, I will not allow myself to become apathetic to it, but I am committed to making a change. I will not give up the fight for my equality. I will however change how I fight.

Mandela was imprisoned for conspiracy to overthrow the Apartheid. When he came out of prison however, instead of using phsyical tactics as he had previously used, he changed to mental tactics. He utilized love, acceptance and forgiveness. Weapons that his enemies were unprepared for and ultimately could not fight. He won them over by killing them with kindness.

I want to be like Mandela. Like him, I want my greatest weapon and strength to be love and forgivenss.

Mia

Somebody

Don't look at me that way.
Don't just think you take me off the face of the earth.
Don't just think you should hate me.
You can but what's that worth?

We're all somebody to someone,
we're all somebody to someone,
we're all somebody to someone,
and I am somebody too.

You're scaring me with your mask.
You're hiding that you're human.
A gun'll have 'em do what you ask
but what is it that you're doing?

You must be that type.
I bet you probably do what you like
and break all the rules.

But we're all somebody to someone,
we're all somebody to someone,
we're all somebody to someone,
and I am somebody too.

You said it would be ok.
You said it wouldn't be this way.
You said I'd always be safe.
Well I guess that's what you say,
I guess that's what you say
when you love someone that way.

We're all somebody to someone,
we're all somebody to someone,
we're all somebody to someone,
and I am somebody too.

Alex Da Ponte

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CC7tk3RxkX8

Free

Most of us are raised to believe in a semi-specific meta-narrative. Mine was set in Judeo-Christian values. I grew up in the Nazarene Church, a fairly strict organization. I remember believing, at an early age, that Jesus Christ was my salvation, but if my actions ever strayed from the straight and narrow, I could lose the salvation as easily as it was given to me. Seems strange doesn't it? To be given a gift only to lie awake at night fearing that if you ever show yourself unworthy (basically ever show yourself at all) your only inheritance would be eternal suffering.

I became a fervent Christ follower. I went to a Baptist high school, never touched alcohol or drugs, took a vow to abstain from sex before marriage and made sure that none of my goals or desires came before my willingness to serve God. I suppose there are less appropriate things to dedicate your life to, but things got a little complicated when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay.

*GASP* The G word!!?

This couldn't be true? I prayed and intermittently fasted for 365 days that I would be cleansed or healed or whatever needed to happen to "fix" me. I mean, one of the last papers I wrote for my senior English class was entitled, "Why Homosexuality is Wrong"...I got a perfect score!

I was attending a Christian University when I had my first girl on girl romance. We quickly became a leper colony of two, but I couldn't care less. I was absolutely exhausted. You can only fight yourself for so long. I had a New Testament professor who encouraged his students to question scripture. He was a believer, but acknowledged translation errors and taught us to be scholars of the Bible. We can't be literalists just because we are afraid we might get something wrong.

I have always been terrified of my mother. She was the authoritarian in the family. She is intelligent, beautiful and successful. She isn't great at relationships, (I had four step-dads) but she always had me. I was her fearless body guard, even when I was a little one. I couldn't handle disappointing her and I knew that my homosexuality would be a huge let down. We went through an unrelated rough patch in which we didn't talk for about nine months. I moved away and distanced myself because I had to be my own person without fear of her sabotaging  my goals. I never stopped feeling guilty for disappearing.

When we started talking again, I was hesitant to come out to her, but I knew I needed to be honest and accept the repercussions. She yelled and we fought. I thought I had lost her all over again but the next day she just went on like nothing had happened. She was in total denial. Anytime we would talk, she would ask about boyfriends and if she would meet my friends that happened to be guys, she would tirelessly insist that we should "get married and have cute babies."

We spent this past Christmas together and I realized that I felt like a fraud. I felt that I was hiding from her judgement in not talking about it. She kept asking about a guy friend of mine and insisting on how great we looked together. I felt so invisible. I was angry that she couldn't acknowledge who I was, am and what I want more than anything. I want a wife! I'm sorry but I want to come home to the woman that I love and am committed to. I want people, mostly her, to accept this as reality and just let us be.

So I spoke up. I finally told her about the persecution I experienced at the Christian University that, I mentioned earlier. She was upset that I went through so much, but she was also very clear that the Bible says "homosexuality is wrong!" I immediately shared the verses in Scripture that I had researched and how the Greek translation of the word "homosexual" meant something different then, than it does today in our culture. I was playing quarterback on her field. I couldn't just say that I have doubts about our faith because I wanted to win her over, convert her understanding, if you will.

She shut me down. She said that I was being defensive and that's how I should know that I'm wrong. Then she did something unusual. My mother doesn't quit with me. If she wants to change something about my life, my plans or my goals, she creates a path of destruction until she either gets her way or I run away, but she stopped. She said, "do whatever you want, just know you're wrong." and she left it at that.

It hit me in the morning when she just continued like it hadn't happened that I don't need to accept it.

We went on that day to visit her old friends from the town in which I spent my childhood. She would mention one of my guy friends when they would talk about their daughters' weddings and I just smiled and played along. Something in her needs to see me as her perfectly straight daughter and for the longest time I needed her to get over that.

Something changed that night when we argued about the Bible. We didn't scream and I didn't cry and she didn't tell me I was stupid and I didn't run away. We talked, disagreed and left it at that.

If she can grow that much, then it is possible for me to evolve as well. I can realize that I don't need anyone to respect my love. I don't need my mother's approval of my coworkers' or even the state's. All I will ever need is to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and know that I was honest with myself and that I didn't let something good slip through my fingers because someone else wasn't ready for me to have it.

Whether or not my scriptural research justifies my life in the minds of traditional believers; If the God of the Bible is real and he does involve himself in our daily crap, His grace exceeds my foolish missteps. My genuine love for my partner must be anything but sinful.

Cahte

So it occurred to me today that the majority of the postings on this blog are about romantic relationships and although that is what many people would equate with love, there are so many other experiences in which love can be expressed in the world. Love can be shown from friends, bosses, co-workers, family and by complete strangers. The past couple of months I have been shown this type of love and I felt that it was important to acknowledge it here. So if I may...

Last month I wrote about my gratitude for the straight allies in our lives. This post is a piggy-back if you will but from a different angle. Upon thinking about how blessed I have been since late July this year, I have spent much time reflecting on the last year. As I said in my last post I was heavily and continually discriminated against at my last place of employment, to the extent of my job being threatened all because of my sexuality. Thankfully I was not fired and was able to part ways on my terms but the profoundly negative experiences I had there have definitely left me scarred. My self-esteem and confidence have been affected both personally and professionally and I am still working through a lot of hurt and anger, ultimately trying to let go, forgive and heal.

All things considered I am lucky. Despite these experiences, I have never been physically assaulted or cut off from anyone in my life, events that are still all too common within the LGTBQI community. After experiencing what I have, I realized that one of my great loves had been deeply affected as well. My love for teaching. Since I was a child I knew I wanted to become a teacher and the first three years of my career were for the most part, joyous. I love educating and connecting with students. Especially with the 'at-risk' population that I have concentrated on.

Because of the year I had, I became desperate and began contemplating other options. Anything that would get me out of the situation I was in. I thought I wanted to go back to school to pursue a different career and I eventually took a very difficult job on a whim just so I wouldn't have to return. I can honestly say that I had never felt so desperate in my life. Thankfully my current job literally fell in my lap and I was able to resume teaching.

My current employer recognizes and has protections of LGTBQI individuals in writing and they take discrimination very seriously. Unfortunately some of my students still express homophobic comments and initially I was unsure of how to handle the situation. I decided that I needed to go to my boss and discuss my concerns with her. Although I was terrified and exhausted with dealing this issue, I was not willing to compromise my beliefs and well-being or repeat my past situation. When I told my boss what was happening, she was appalled and took immediate action. I started to cry and said that it meant so much to be able to do what I love for a living and to finally be supported while doing it. There was a period not so long ago where I thought this wouldn't be possible and I would have to give up on my dream.

Like my boss, my co-workers are so supportive. Even though we may not see eye to eye on every situation we are still able to discuss our thoughts and feelings in a mature, respectful way. Honestly I am still in shock and unused to experiencing such overwhelming support. I have talked with my boss a couple of times about discrimination and I still dismiss it with the fact that some of society is still homophobic and making homophobic terms is more acceptable and she cut me off and said, "no, it isn't." This warms my heart.

I guess my message with this post is that you don't have to give up on your dream, or what you love if you have experienced discrimination. There are people out there that will accept you for who you are and stand up for you in the face of hate and intolerance. I just read an article in USA Today about a transsexual woman who at the age of 50 is playing basketball for a college despite the many odds that are stacked against her.

Admittedly I have been on the fence about the whole "It Gets Better" campaign. Don't get me wrong, I so appreciate all the work that Dan Savage has done and the movement that has resulted; but, that doesn't take away from the fact that when it sucks in the moment, it really sucks and looking to the future seems impossible. Fortunately I do know from personal experience that it does get better and that one should not give into bullies or bigots because their views are flawed on so many different levels.

All this to say, hold onto what you love. Don't sacrifice what you love despite the hate that is out there. You owe it to yourself to stay true to yourself. Yes I almost gave up and I am so glad that I didn't. My whole life has been changed by this job-my mental, physical and emotional health have all improved. Now this is not to say that one should stay in an unsafe, unhealthy environment. Get out! No one deserves to endure constant discrimination. Ever. Period. But seek out other options. They are out there.

Speaking from experience, sometimes I become short sighted and frustrated that change isn't happening fast enough; but it is happening. Today there are 10 states in which there is marriage equality not to mention there are a record number of out legislatures in all different areas of government. Professional athletes are coming out in support of the LGTBQI community and condemning homophobia in traditionally male dominated areas including football. Bottom line, the times are changing and things are getting better. Slowly. I have to remind myself of this when I become too passionate...

Yes it is exhausting, humiliating, demoralizing and infuriating to have to constantly defend yourself and fight for your freedom, but in my experience, it is worth it. Although I endured hell I know that I made differences. Coworkers told me that they used to be ignorant of LGTBQI issues but after speaking with me they became more sensitive. Students who presented as being overtly homophobic continued to hug me daily after they found out about my sexuality. I am not advocating that everyone take on the fight to change minds; but I will encourage people to stay true to who they are. No matter what. Of course stay safe and I don't think everything should be viewed as a fight, but for me, these encounters became small victories that were game changing. Sure I could not change the place that I worked for, but I could change minds, one at a time and that was equally as important.

At the end of the day you are all wonderful, beautiful, strong, courageous individuals and my admiration for you is endless. If you are currently struggling in a situation, don't give up. There are other options out there. Have hope that you will find one that works for you. Don't let anyone take what you love away from you. Fight the good fight, whatever that may be for you and stay true to you.

I am a huge Greek mythology nerd and one of my favorite myths is the myth of Pandora. We have all heard of her infamous box and how her curiosity overcame her and she opened the box that she was instructed not to. As she opened the box,   all of the evils that we know in the world today escaped. Sorrow, hunger, pain, war, the list goes on. What is not mentioned more often however is that Pandora was able to close the box just before the last things escaped. That last thing was hope and because she saved it, humans were able to have hope despite all of the world's evils.

The Greeks, like many cultures, believed in myths in order to explain what is not known or understood. The world's evils are most certainly not understood and are quite difficult to comprehend. Sometimes I become overwhelmed with how evil this world can seem and how prolific pain is. For me though, hope is a huge saving grace because from what I have experienced through hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that hope and love go hand in hand. When we love, we hope that we will be taken care of and safe. When we hope, we hope that we will find love and be loved.

Sometimes life can be so difficult it seems unbearable. When this happens, maintain hope. Know that you are not alone and there are hundreds like you who know what you are going though. Through hope they were able to survive and find their love, romantic, professional, or otherwise. Through hope, maintaining and having love is in fact possible.

Mia

So on the eve of what has become the most important election of my life to date, and being sick to my stomach thinking about the potential outcome, I have decided to take a break from incessantly checking political updates every 5 minutes and instead take a moment to pause and reflect on what I am grateful for, seeing that this is the month in which 'thanks' is observed.

My first thought was being grateful for our brave forefathers and mothers of the LGTBQI community that have forged this fight. The courage they had for standing up, loud and proud against severe and pervasive hate and discrimination and paving the road for me today. These individuals are the reason why I can live my life out with my girlfriend without major fear of being injured physically, emotionally and mentally as well as live in a time when the President of the United States has come out stating that there should be equal rights for all, including marriage for the LGTBQI community.

Reflecting on President Obama and the decision he made to come out himself, made me realize how very thankful I am for the Allied straight community that is fighting just as hard, if not harder, to earn equal rights for the LGTBQI-ers. President Obama took a huge risk in speaking publicly about legalizing marriage for all because this is still a very controversial issue today. Many argued that this was a political tactic in order to mobilize the LGTBQI into voting for him, and be this as it may, there were and still are just as many people outside the community that are on the fence or entirely opposed to this issue that he may have further polarized with his announcement. Plain and simple he took a risk because no one before him made such a huge statement of support.

My girlfriend and I were discussing straight allies and she made a very interesting point that had not occurred to me. She argued that straight people have their own moments of coming out when they acknowledge that they have LGTBQI family members, friends and loved ones. Sure this coming out experience may not be as difficult for straight people, but they still risk judgement, ridicule, backlash and being ostracized y members of their community when coming out in support of LGTBQI rights.

On May 9th, 2012, President Barack Obama came out to the United States of America that he is in support of legalizing marriage for all. After following President Obama for years even before his presidency, I know that this has been an issue that he has struggled with and did not initially support. Over time he said, and after speaking with families of LGTBQI people, he came to realize that we are no different. That we deserve the same basic rights and happiness that the members of the straight community have.

Another important straight ally that deserves recognition is Ted Olson, the Republican lawyer working to overturn Prop 8 that banned marriage for all in the State of California after it had been approved 8 months earlier. Ted Olson has been quoted saying that "gay marriage is not a liberal or conservative issue, rather that it is an American issue." Legalizing marriage for all notoriously is associated with the liberal parties and more often than not, many conservative parties either shy away from this issue or damn it all together. Despite the fact that Olson identifies as a straight member of a conservative party, he is still working hard to guarantee legal rights for a community that as of now has very few.

I have the privilege and fortune of knowing many wonderful straight allies that are even more loud about equal rights than I am. What makes my heart swell with love is the compassion and empathy that these individuals have for me and the LGTBQI community. Unfortunately I have found in my experience that humans tend to be somewhat narcissistic and selfish creatures with the mentality of 'how does this best serve me.' As a result, unless someone is personally affected by an issue, he or she may not have an awareness of the sensitive nature of the issue at hand.

Take the Chick-Fil-A controversy that emerged this past fall. When Dan Cathy came out and stated that he believed in 'traditional marriage between one man and one woman' and that he did in fact donate monetary proceeds to groups that have worked hard to limit the rights and freedoms of the LGTBQI community, I will admit that many of my straight friends did not seem, to me, to have compassion for me. Many of my straight friends considered this to simply be an act of freedom of speech, which is protected under the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution; and yes, although Dan Cathy has every right to say what he wants, his actions is where the problem stemmed. His actions were donating millions of dollars to groups that promote intolerance and many of my friends could not see how their $5 purchase, which would go to Cathy's profits and then into his donations, could make much of a difference.

From my perspective, for things to change, action must take place. I believe that much of my generation is complicit and jaded. I hear over and over again how 'voting doesn't matter' and that 'nothing will ever change anyway' but I agree to disagree. Take the Civil Rights Movement for example. Here was an entire population of people that had absolutely no rights in the nation for generations and through organized movement they were able to enact change. When Rosa Parks refused to move from her seat on the bus that day, movement started. The Montgomery Bus Boycott was the answer to the discrimination she faced and this movement was in fact successful. Because enough people protested by car pooling, biking or walking to their destinations, the bus department suffered and laws were changed.

Sure this may seem like one small example in the scheme of all of history, but it is an important one. People of African-American decent were not the only ones protesting; people of Caucasian decent were protesting too. These individuals were risking their physical safety and in some instances their lives to stand up to injustice.

I digress. Throughout the whole Chick-Fil-A drama I kept citing this historical movement to argue that yes in fact if each person does stop buying from this restaurant then the money will add up and Dan Cathy could in fact be affected. Along these same lines, I cannot help but bring up my straight friends that claim they support LGTBQI rights but are voting for Romney tomorrow. Romney has come out publicly stating that he believes marriage is between one man and one woman and that there are gay families having children and that is not right. Romney is in favor of less government interference in personal lives, but is more than willing to write a federal amendment to the Constitution defining marriage between one man and one woman. I understand that legalizing marriage for all is not the only issue on the platform this election and that there are many other issues at hand, but to me this is a drastically important issue of human rights.

I can not count on one hand the members of the LGTBQI community that have been physically assaulted simply for being affectionate in public or for dressing in what was comfortable for him or her. Suicides within the LGTBQI community have been on the rise due to discrimination and hate. Deaths resulting from hate crimes still occur not to mention physical mutilations as well as acts of other torture. We still live in a nation where marriage is legal for all in only six states but in 23 states a person can have sex with a horse legally. I cannot even begin to express just how demeaning and infuriating this fact it.

Another aspect of this issue of human rights is happiness free from discrimination. Marriage provides many legal protections that civil unions do not and which many people are not aware of. Becoming legally married provides for hospital visitation rights, tax cuts, joint custody and survivor benefits, just to name a few. Many people are not in favor of full marriage but suggest civil unions are the way to go. Unfortunately, civil unions lack close to 1,200 legal protections that full legal marriage provides for. Some people argue that it is simply a piece of paper and that it shouldn't matter, but in the cases of survivors of partners that have died while in combat who are not receiving benefits and the non biological parent of a same-sex family, these rights become life changing.

For the most part I have led a discrimination-free and supported lesbian lifestyle, but this last year I was discriminated against at my work. It got ugly and facts were twisted, people lied and my job was ultimately threatened simply for standing up for myself and for the open gay students at my school. In the end I was told that homophobic slurs are no big deal because today in society although people may say them, there is no harm intended. (Mind you this was my initial complaint to HR and this was the findings they produced from their investigation).

It has been a year and I am still deeply affected by the lack of support and persecution I experienced at this former employer. Remembering my experiences there still make me sick to my stomach and makes my blood boil. Because of the discrimination I experienced I questioned and doubted myself. Not only did myself become affected, but I started to lose faith in people and distrust them automatically. When encountering a new situation my walls are up and I am prepared to defend myself in a fight because of what I experienced. I have been deeply changed because of this place and I am still working on getting myself back.

There was one woman in particular who stood up for me and by my side at this place of employment. Yes there were many people that voiced support for me which meant the world, but this one woman took her support to a new level and told our supervisors that the was I was being treated was unacceptable. I do not speak with this woman anymore, our lives have grown apart, but I was be forever grateful for the kindness and support she offered me. I had never felt so alone in my life as I did then, and her verbal actions gave me a glimmer of hope that I was in fact not alone.

In my field we are taught that giving no response is a silent approval. I could not agree more with this statement. I have no problem standing up for myself and my community, I have plenty of practice, but it means so much when a straight person stands up for me. Sure I will stand up for myself, it is expected. It is my fight. But when a straight person stands up and defends me, it is not his or her fight but he or she is still saying the discrimination is not alright. This person risks his or her physical, mental and emotional safety for my well being. This is an act of profound selflessness.

I can say from experience that standing up to injustice is terrifying, especially when the fight is not yours and for this reason I am and will always be eternally grateful for the straight allies in the community fighting for equal rights and treatment. For outing themselves in their support. For the PFLAG moms and dads. For the members of GSAs in schools around the country. For the first grade teacher that breaks down gender stereotypes when one of her students is presenting gender identity confusion or questioning. For the father that wore a skirt in public because his son chose to wear a skirt that day. For the friends that have invited me to their weddings in which I have paid much money to attend and recognizing that I do not have this right and hope that I will someday. For the friends that have asked that for birthday presents, donations be made to organizations fighting for marriage equality. For the people that may have been uncertain at first but over time have come to acceptance and found love again.

I will admit that sometimes I become lost in my fear, sorrow, pain and anger and I do not always see that good that is being done and progress that is being made; but tonight I feel that it is important to recognize all that our straight community has in fact done for us. We cannot win this fight without them and should not. They are very much a part of our community as the rest of the LGTBQI and I feel that often times they are left out. I know many wonderful parents, siblings, educators, mentors, employers, activists that are straight and fighting and I do not want their fight to be unnoticed and unheard.

So in closing to all of the straight allies out there, I am grateful for you. For your confidence, courage, determination, compassion and empathy. For thinking about others than yourselves and for possibly even putting them before yourself. I love you more than words can say.

Thank you

Mia