This is arguably one of the most difficult writing assignments I have ever encountered: to write a non-fiction personal account of love, with a happy/positive ending.

Staring at the screen. Staring at the screen.

How can I be a writer if I can't write? It isn't that I lack things to say. I feel like I have so many things to say I could explode at times. Especially since I don't say them. Out Loud. In fact I probably say 5% of the things inside of me that I need to say Out Loud. I probably have too much to say I know I have too much to feel. So much that it all cancels itself out because it is overwhelming and then I feel nothing and say nothing and write nothing. This right now is nothing but actually it is something. When I feel nothing I feel something and that something is a weird blank sadness. A dull pain a little bit of sting behind my eyes like I could start to cry but I am hanging in there holding on. It is a nothing that feels frustrated and anxious and torn and goes a million miles a minute and then a full brain glaze over. My brain becomes a giant doughnut. A disgusting jelly doughnut. Which then reminds me of how fat I feel/am. Which is a distraction from the weird blank sadness.

What do you do when you feel you have loved your greatest love of your life and lost that love? When you think that is it for you. That was your Person and you lost your Person and now you have an entire life ahead of you without that Person. What do you do? When almost two years later you can sit in a public coffee shop on the most beautiful day in a most beautiful city, with time that is all yours but it feels as though the weight of this loss of this Person is crushing your chest. When you feel that the years left in your life stretch endlessly ahead of you and at any point the best you can be is 50% because you lost that other 50% which wasn't even 50%. That Person was 100%. When you literally think about that Person every 10 seconds and in that same moment you have to remind yourself that this person is--for all intents and purposes--dead. Your Person is dead. When you love your Person so much you would rather they actually be dead then out living in the world somewhere else loving someone else. When merely thinking their name, picturing their face, causes your heart to start pounding, causes such crippling anxiety that the only cure is drugging yourself into a deep sleep, drugging yourself into a deep drunk, drugging yourself into a deep fucking. And when you do all these things on repeat until your brain is a glazed doughnut again you are back to where you started. And you are back to the knowledge that your Person is dead but not really.

My Person. My Person. She was not perfect. But I liked her and loved her and hated her and loathed her and liked her and loved her just the way she was and is and was. I loved her skin. I loved her weird knobby knees. I loved her eyes that held a million secrets and her strong hands and her hard heart. I loved her throat. I loved her voice and her laugh which was more of a series of sharp shouts. I loved her stupid mind. I don't know anymore if she, my Person, loved me. Really loved me. I try not to think about it. I try to remind myself that the Person she was and is and was is gone. Is dead.

And then what? And then what?

And then you feel angry for a tiny little bit because you think of all the broken promises. You think of all the things that were supposed to be a certain way but are not that way and you think about all the things that were supposed to be right now and they aren't right now and won't be ever. And then you don't just have the weight on your chest, or the fluttering in your heartbeat, or the stinging behind your eyes, or the glazed doughnut in your brain. You have them all at once in concert and you think you are going to throw up and cry and scream in concert. And you feel like nothing is right. And all you want is to hear your Person's voice. For 60 seconds. On the phone. That wouldn't be enough but that would be enough. And you feel as these feelings and things all of it in a flash every few seconds, minutes, hours, every day. And you can have all of these things these feelings sitting in a public coffee shop on the most beautiful day in a most beautiful city, with time that is all yours. When I feel nothing I feel something and that something is a weird blank sadness.

Staring at the screen. Staring at the screen.

What is the happy ending? How can I make this positive?

What do you do when you feel you have loved your greatest love of your life and have lost that love? When you think that is it for you? That was your Person and you lost your Person and now you have an entire life ahead of you without that Person. What do you do? What is your Happy Ending? Here is your Happy Ending. You have loved. You have loved a great love. You know love. You know real big crush crush crushing fucking love. You know pain. You know exquisite, overwhelming out of this world love and pain.

I would do it all over again even to know a single moment of that love and this pain.

Anna

When I met her, I was talking to another girl. I was at a Super Bowl party a couple of years ago and she kept coming up to me because she thought my name sounded like a TV show, which annoyed me because she wouldn't let it go. I still remember everything about her from that night. She told me she had never been to Tracks and I wondered how that was possible and she told me she had just moved here from Utah. My intentions at this point were innocent. We all decided to go to Tracks and I was going with the girl whom I was talking with but as soon as we got there, Ashlynn and I ended up in the bathroom stall alone together. I admit, not my best moment, but not in the least do I regret it.

After that night we were inseperable. I fell hard and fast for Ashlynn. We started dating and we would do ridiculous things together like "40s Disney Nights". We would get 40s and watch Disney movies all night. We liked the same ridiculous things. I knew she loved me as much as I did her.

After a few months she moved in with me and my son and then we moved into our own place downtown. It was very soon after this when I got very sick and I was denying that I was sick at all. I wouldn't go into the hospital and I wouldn't get treated. I was denying all of it. It was her that found me a doctor that I would actually go see. That doctor is the one that diagnosed me and started treating me and it was because of her that I started getting treated and am probably still alive.

It is an illness that affects her just as much as it affects me. And it's an illness that will never go away. She took over everything. She never complained. She did everything. There were days where I couldn't go to work, or pick up my son from school. One day she left work early to pick up my son from school for me. It was extremely hard, it's still just as hard. But she never left my side. She was amazing.

After about a year of me being really sick I realized what I was really doing to her and one day without a reason or an explanation, I just left. She was devastated. I never really knew if I was making the right decision or not but I knew I couldn't have her doing this anymore. I knew she needed to be taking care of herself. I started dating other girls right away. I dated a lot honestly. All of them ready and willing to take care of me. But I wouldn't allow it and I was hospitalized three times in a single year. Ashlynn and I remained close over this year and everytime I was in need she was who I turned to. Every hospital stay she was there with me and would bring me Happy Meals-my only request. I never lost my love for her. I just knew I wasn't supposed to be with her. She got into a serious relationship with another girl and that only reaffirmed my feelings.

Today it's been a year, we're both single and we're at a place now where I'm relatively healthy but I still seek treatment for my illness. We're still talking and I'm not sure if it's going to go anywhere. But we're seeing if we can still have good times after everything we've been through.

What's been so important for me is that she has stood by me through everything. Illness, leaving her and me not always being there. When I left her I started dating other girls and I know I hurt her really bad. Part of me was trying to hurt her because she gave up everything to take care of me and I didn't want her to give up her life anymore. Through all of this she is still a part of my life. I don't know what will happen between us in the future but our relationship over the years has shown me that true love can overcome great obstacles. I know that she will be a part of my life even if we don't end up together, in a positive way.

Anonymous

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So we initially met on Grinder and I saw his profile and he just made me think he was a Mexican Guido, so I didn't really pay attention to him. Then he messaged me asking me if we could meet up for lunch or dinner or whatever. And I was like "eh, he doesn't look like a serial killer or anything so why not?!"


The next day he calls me up, he's all like, "Just to let you know this isn't a date. This is just two people meeting up for lunch or dinner and we'll each be paying for ourselves. I'll be at Qdoba at 6:30." I remember vaguely telling him I'd be a little late and he told me, "Well if you're there or not, I'm just gonna get my meal. If I don't see you there, I don't see you there."


So me being the bitch I am. I decided to get in the shower and was like, "fuck it, I'm gonna take my sweet-ass time then!" And then I got dressed and made sure I looked cute enough. I show up at Qdoba, walk inside and he wasn't fucking there. So I was starting to panic a little bit and I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't have taken my time because he wasn't there. I turned to leave and he walked in.


It was really cold at first and he didn't really respond, didn't make eye contact and it was very awkward feeling. So we sat down and we were eating and I don't remember what we were talking about but we seemed to click. I do remember that I cracked a joke about one of the bus boys and it was comical. What was comical was that the bus boy took out this big ole trash can and it splattered all over the floor. We just kind of laughed and joked about it.


Then he was talking about the movies he liked and it turns out we had similar interests. He brought up the whole idea of having sex and being tested and my status and I told him I was negative and that my last partner was and that it wasn't really something that I was concerned about.


After dinner he asked me to get some alcohol with him at the liquor store next door. So we both go to the store and we're looking at the alcohol and I told him I wasn't going to buy anything because I didn't have my ID on me and he's looking around and he realizes he doesn't have his ID either. We were both completely embarrassed and he was like "well I have my ID on my phone, do you think that will work?" I said no.

So we just left. I remember going home and we exchanged some pictures and then we set up another date to hang out at my house to watch a movie. (Something that was intended to be completely innocent but ended up being not-so-innocent...) It started off with just some cuddling and it was still very awkward between us-there was a lot of uncertainty. Typically I won't ask if I can kiss someone but I asked if I could kiss him and he just started laughing at me. He made some condescending comment and said that it was fine and I could kiss him. So we kissed and it was very enjoyable and things got very fun.

The next day after we had messed around he was in a nervous panic. He kept asking if there was anything he needed to worry about and he went and got tested. So I saw the urgency and went and got tested and made sure to get an expensive test. But the results of this test took 2 weeks to get back. Within the first week when we were hanging out we would start kissing and it would get all hot and heavy and I could tell it was killing him because he wanted it to go further but he wouldn't let it happen. So after about a week of waiting he offered to pay for a quicker test for me. I agreed and picked him up from school and then we went to the clinic which ended up being a funny story.

While Justin was putting money in the meter, I was talking with the doctor and she began asking me all the routine questions. I told her I had no reason to be worried and she asked me why then all the urgency. I told her I was dating Justin and then she laughed and said "oh."

Justin comes back into the clinic and we're in the meeting room together and I'm laughing with the doctor, joking back and forth about the studies that have been done and Justin has obvious panic on his face and he just starts to explain his worry with previous incidents he's had. The doctor told us there was no reason for me to be tested since I had another test in the works but I looked at her and said, "no no no, we need to do this!" She had brought up building trust and I replied, "that's all good and well, but right now this is what we need to do and we'll work on trust later." She could see how panicked Justin was and agreed to give me the test.

The test came back obviously negative and Justin and I met up later after his final and he expressed how grateful he was that I would do that for him. A couple of days after that we agreed that we were going to be exclusive with one another since we were both negative and then about three days later he gives me this whole schpeel about how this was his first serious gay relationship and he still had feelings for women and asking me if we should not be together. I told him, "quit being an idiot because we're not getting married. It is the beginning of our relationship and we're still trying to figure things out."

About a week later we decided to combine two of our "wants" together. He wanted to get drunk together and I wanted to take the LightRail. He took me to this old restaurant that his family went to when he was a kid. They took him there all the time-it was a very special place for him. He bought me a couple of drinks and didn't really hesitate about giving me anything. He was very sweet and made it all about me.

After that we went and hit up some more bars and got more drinks along the road to get to the LightRail, and then we got to Union Station and there was no one there and he stops me and we start making out. Ridiculous! We're just hand in hand walking around this huge-ass fence trying to get to the LightRail and when we finally got there, we took it back. I had my feet up next to him and he would try to tickle them. We got home, watched a couple of movies and did our typical make-out-thing.

And then right before I was getting ready to take him home, he starts up the conversation about his feelings and his struggles. He basically made a comment that this wasn't a real relationship and he asked me if I thought it was and I told him, "yes. I whole-heartedly do." I dropped him off at home and I was okay, but really sad. We had decided to hang out again the next day and he called me up the next morning as soon as he woke up and said, "oh my god Chase forget everything I said! I was completely drunk!" So I didn't really know what that meant and when I went to pick him up for the movie, I didn't greet him with the usual kiss. We drove about a block away from his house and he asked me, "why didn't I get my kiss?!" I told him, "I didn't think you wanted to be kissed by me still" and he said, "no I still do. It's just really complicated for me right now." I said, "I know, but be chill, it will be fine." We got to Dave N Buster's and he bought my dinner and my drinks, and anything I wanted. Then he went and paid for the expensive IMAX 3D movie tickets for Tron.

After that night we were really back on track and a little bit more in tune with one another. Over the next couple of weeks he started divulging more information to me-issues he's had with his family and his past experiences and he also started letting me know more of his feelings. He started trusting me more and there weren't a lot of issues between us.

Recently his sister had a baby and it was discovered that the baby daddy was cheating on her the whole time, which brought up a lot of trust issues for Justin and he wanted to be reassured that I would never cheat on him. I told him, "there's not much I can really say to make you trust me. You need to build that trust from within by the actions I've shown you." He accepted this as an answer and then I suggested buying roses for his sister because she was going through such a shitty time. He tells me, "hell no! That bitch doesn't need no flowers! You haven't even gotten me flowers!"

I tossed this idea around in my head and I had gotten out of class, it was around 9 o'clock one night. While I was buying cough drops I saw some roses there, relatively cheap, but nice looking roses. I got him a card too, telling him how much I felt about him and our relationship. When I left the store, I called him and asked him if he was home. He was, so I told him I was going to come over. He got very confused and wanted to know why, so I told him that I just needed to talk to him about something, knowing full well that this would torture him. He proceeded to call me, but I ignored the phone call and then he sent me a text message asking if he would "be upset about this?" I replied, "I don't know." So I got another text demanding, "call me right now!" And of course, I ignored that message too.

I pull up to his house and I call him but it immediately goes to his voicemail, but I can see his big ole head sitting in the window. I texted him and tell him to "come out and talk to me." He comes out all solemn, looks down, looks at me innocently and I hand him the card and say, "this should explain everything, but just in case it doesn't..." and I reached behind me and grabbed the roses that were hidden there and said, "...this should explain the rest of it." His face lit up! And I said, "let's go drive for a bit." He gave me a little bit of shit for working him up like I had and he told me that that was the first time he had ever been given flowers before.

A few days later I got super sick and he didn't hesitate to take me to Urgent Care. He sat there for 2 hours while I had an IV in my hand, coughing up a storm. This act of caring and patience exemplifies what a sweet guy he is. Along with taking care of me of my death bed, he is so thoughtful in general and will send me random text messages saying, "thinking of you" or "xoxo" throughout the day.

Relationships aren't easy, they take a lot of work. They are always going to be a lot of work and that's why you have to be in the right mindset and maturity level. You don't have to settle in a relationship, but there is a way to compromise and learn to get to know each other. Don't give up when the road gets rough because who knows what you maybe missng out on.

Chase

Well my story starts out like any other young, gay boy's story, at the beginning. I knew I was gay since I was about 13 or so, or whenever I started puberty, but I didn't really know what to do about it. At that time I was in Boy Scouts, going through confirmation at church, and just being a kid. Except there was something just a little different, obviously instead of liking girls like all the other guys, I was keen to boys. And having a twin brother made things a little complicated. Oh yeah, I didn't tell you, I have an identical twin brother who is straight. I looked up to my brother and did everything he did, so when it came to dating, I guess I just followed suit. My brother dated girls so I did. I never really planned on dating girls as long as I did; but, after turning 24 and breaking too many girl's hearts, I finally came out.

I said "finally came out" like it was no big thing and I guess it wasn't. I had written it on paper and went through the scenarios in my mind countless times. So I told my brother and the best way I could do it was write it on paper like I had done so many times before. And between the HAPPY crying, hugging, the "I always knew", and the "I'm so happy for you" sincere but cliche comments, I immediately felt like a new person.

But really, I didn't know where to go from there. So my ready and willing brother took the reins and told my mother, who in turn told my father. Let me just tell you that when my mother called the next day, my heart dropped. I didn't know what to expect. But in hindsight, I always knew she knew, and loved me just the same. As for my dad, well our relationship hasn't changed one bit. He still insists on watching football with me and he is always looking out for my best interests, and is so proud "to have sons like my brother and I." I couldn't love them more.

After the initial "outing" to my family it spread like wildfire to my friends, coworkers, extended family, and with the help of facebook, to the world. I had never had a relationship with a guy and had only a few gay friends so I was experiencing uncharted waters to say the least. It was like learning to ride a bike backwards. I had dated girls in the past so I figured that daing guys was the same in a way, right? Oh crap was I wrong. The "gay" scene was something else. The transition took a few weeks, but it felt right. I went out to the clubs, gay bars, and even had a profile on some dating websites. I put myself out there and got a really good response. I went out on a few dates and met some guys at the clubs and bars, but no Mr. Right, until one night.

I just got off of work and had one of "those days", so I went to the bar by my house for a relaxing beer and really just to cool off. The bar tender I recognized because he was hot, but we had never met so I just ordered a beer and thumbed through a Westward magazine. The manager of the bar, whom I knew well, started talking to me and asked if I knew Matt. I didn't so he introduced us. After a couple of beers and a great conversation he asked "what are you doing later?" He was getting off of work soon and wondered if I would like to hang out. In my head I was like, "duh yeah!" I was in love from the start. He was smart, interesting and hot. From that day forward we were inseperable-everything we did was new and exciting.

Matt and I are still together today and it has almost been a year now and we still love each other more than ever. Yeah, we have had our ups and downs, but who hasn't? We are both going to school together, living together and I would not have it any other way. It was easy to fall in love with him because he makes me feel good and is a gentleman, which has taken some getting used to.

That's my story. I know love and good relationships are few and far between but they happen when you least expect it. I know that's what they always say, but in my case, it was true. Just be patient and someday you may find yourself falling for someone and it is a truly great thing.

Anonymous

I went to college in Olympia Washington and lived on campus in an apartment-style dorm, so there was six people in our apartment. Lydia, this girl, she wasn't there the first quarter. She came in January when one of our other roommates had moved out, and we just kind of immediately clicked and became friends. She was from Seattle and was still in a relationship with a guy that she had been with for four years and during those first few months of her being in Olympia she was deciding that she was wanting to break up with him.



The school that we went to, and Olympia in general, had a lot of weirdos and queers and hippies and she was a cheerleader in high school and came from a very straight laced envrionment. She was going through this big personal transformation, breaking up with her boyfriend of four years and finding herself in a new environment. I was going through a less dramatic transformation, but a transformation nontheless--shaving my head, smoking too much weed and revolutionizing my thinking.



We had this friendship going and she was breaking up with her boyfriend, it just organically evolved into a romantic relationship. I don't really know, it felt magical and easy because it had happened so organically. It felt freeing because I had never felt as comfortable with myself as I did with her, I was learning how to be whatever I was and let our relationship be whatever it was. I think the fact that we had such a strong friendship and started out living in the same apartment made it so easy. We spent so much time together, just hanging out, cooking, baking, talking...



At the end of the school year, in June, we moved into separate places, still in Olympia, and our relationship became more difficult. We would argue more over little things. I missed the ease of our friends-turned-lovers relationship and began to wonder what had happened to the magic of it. She said she wanted to be in an open relationship. I tried to be cool with that, and thought I was. She started seeing someone else, a guy, pretty seriously, and it got too hard for me.



We tripped mushrooms one night and talked for a long time and came to the conclusion that we couldn't be romantic anymore but that we still wanted to be friends. We were both still in the midst of personal transformation, and we needed to change and grow in different ways. We did stay friends. We took our space and kept in touch and we still do a little bit (she has a baby now!)



I don't look at our relationship as a negative thing at all. I got a lot out of it and remember the lessons I learned. It was a very freeing relationship for me and I'm very thankful for that. I have no hard feelings. We were young, it was great, it was an important relationship in my life and then we moved on. I still think she's great and we don't talk a lot, but we still facebook every once in awhile.



We both grew up in suburbia with the image of who we were supposed to be and who we were supposed to be in relationships with and how we were supposed to look, and at that time we were both learning, and we learned together, that that was bullshit. I had always been very self-conscious and had body-image issues and we would have "naked cake time". We would just hang out and eat cake. Naked. And this was the first time where I was like "this is awesome! I can just be!" Both this relationship and she helped me become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, begin to find the parts of myself buried underneath what I thought should be, and accepted that I didn't need to fit into society's image.



Kaite

This is a little poem about the first time you notice someone from across the bar, someone who catches your eye and won't let go. It's about dedication and courage and new love and passion and perseverance. For me, it captures the way your blood rushes through your body upon first seeing that individual, the way you feel alive for the first time in years.

I told this woman, during one of our thousands of text messages (before we intentionally met for the first time), that I can't stop thinking about her. She told me she would always be somewhere between the moon and where I am. I told her to keep that in mind, and whenever she feels lonely, she could look to the sky and never be alone. She texted me early the next morning and said light had been shining through her blinds all night and explained how she had laid awake staring at it, longing for a touch of mine she had yet to even experience.


I don't know how to tell you
That I have seen you here before

We live in a world surrounded by spiky hair
But even pink tips stand out around these places

I don't know how to tell you that I knew right away
You were someone I could spend some time with
Because when we re-meet face to face
I know I can honor your eye contact
(A gift reserved for few)
And whatever else you'll let me

You asked me why you're special
And I told you, without hesitation,
That you feel safe.
And not in the way banks are safe
And police officers are safe
And keys keep things safe

But in the way a newborn feels safe in her mother's arms
Because she is too new in this world to know any different

Some say ignorance is bliss and I tend to agree,
But we both believe that people are filled with contradictions
And me feeling safe with a stranger makes me feel blissful, for now

Please allow me this ignorance

I will let you obstruct my mind
If you promise to do it gently
And I will let you
Yearn for me
Because I have learned so quickly how to make you smile

And I will be the light shining through your window
Long after you closed the blinds

Kelsey