I have an anxiety disorder. I was first diagnosed about eight years ago but coming to terms with and accepting this part of myself did not really begin until last spring. Up until this point I had learned how to 'get by' and deal with my anxiety on a daily basis. I had tried all sorts of different remedies such as therapy, homeopathy and diet, but it was until I had a panic attack so severe that I ended up in the hospital when I realized that it may be time to seek alternative methods for my condition. It was then I decided to seek medical treatment.

I was fortunate enough to find a psychiatrist that was understanding and empathetic of my biases towards medication and we agreed to start slow and easy for me. (I had many irrational fears about taking medication for many years). I started on a very low dosage and at first, all seemed to be going very well.

At this point in my life I was dating a very wonderful woman who was entirely accepting of my situation. I had many insecurities about my anxiety disorder and felt great shame that it was a part of me. When I confided in her, she was understanding and extrememly accommodating. She listened to me and my fears and never made me feel bad for what I was dealing with.

About a month into taking the medication I was taking a full pill a day, I had been instructed to increase my dosage by a quarter pill each week. It was my fourth week and both my girlfriend and a mutual friend noticed that something seemed to be different with me. They both came to me to talk about their concerns and I agreed that something was 'off' with me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly was wrong. Looking back on it, I was beginning to isolate myself and I grew increasinly despondent with each day.

A few days later I woke up in the middle of the night in the midst of a severe panic attack. The only thoughts running through my frantic mind was that life was hopeless and nothing would ever get better for me-that I would always feel this way. I called my mother and she talked me through it and was able to calm me down. We agreed that we thought it was the medication that was affecting my mood and that I should call my pyschiatrist in the morning.

When I got off the phone with my mom, I texted my girlfriend that I was having a rough night and asked her to call me when she woke up. (She had gone out of the state for the weekend). She called me when she woke up and was very concerned. She listened to me and apologized for not being in town to be able to help me. She was fortunately flying home that day and she told me to come over as soon as she got in. I took the day off from work and tried to continue to calm down (I was still physically shaking with anxiety). My psychiatrist advised me to stop taking the pill because that pill had a tendency to produce suicidal thoughts in some people. I stopped taking the medication immediately.

Sure enough I got a phone call from her later that night and she told me to come over to her house even thought it happened to be the last night with her roommate before she left to go to grad school. Once my girlfriend opened the door to let me in, she pulled me into her arms and just held me. When we pulled away from the hug, she grabbed my hand and didn't let it go for the entire evening. This one specific gesture exemplified her love and support and she was able to help me get through one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Anonymous

It was the summer after my sophomore  year of college at the University of South Dakota. I had a bad summer and decided to go back to school a month early. The day I got back to South Dakota from home in Omaha, I met a gorgeous girl ironically. I wondered why I couldn't have met her while I was still in Omaha because that's where she lived also. So we chatted and decided to meet in a  few weeks when I would be back home. So we did. I picked her up and we went out-it was great! She was gorgeous, feminine and just my type.

We decided after that to be exclusive and we tried the distance thing. After all, my college was only 2 hours from Omaha. So we did the distance for year while I was on a softball scholarship. The distance was hard and my love for softball faded so I decided to transfer schools.

We were in love and decided to get married one day. Unfortunately a few month after I transfered, she cheated on me with a friend and I was heart broken. I had given up a scholarship for her and that's how I was repaid? I tried to get over it but couldn't. We couldn't be together even though we tried for a few years.

We're still friends to this day but I learned a valuable lesson and that's never give up anything for anyone and never move for anyone unless you have more than one reason for it. I'm stronger today for going through that.

Anonymous

Hello...my name is Bill and I'm a 50 year old male. I happpen to be a family member of your blog owner. When I was asked to write this, it made me reflect on my adult life and I realized, like everyone, I had some really good times and some bad ones too....!!!! But, all in all, I've had a good life so far.

I've been lucky enough to have two long term relationships and am now in another....we celebrated our one year anniversary in January. In the two long term relationships, I was younger and truly thought I had met the loves of my life and wanted them to be the idyllic "white picket fence" type we all search and yearn for. I won't say "sadly enough" they didn't work out that way but they ended for different reasons.

In my first relationship, he was 11 years older than I and a very successful business person. I was 22 years old and thought I had it all. We had a house in the Hollywood Hills and one in Laguna Beach....we had great friends and life was good. Our friends thought we had everything going for us; behind the scenes it was far from it. In the beginning, my ex was the life of the party. He would tell jokes, laugh, and all in all, have a fun time all the while drinking. The drinking got worse and worse over the years until it got to be unberable. I tried all sorts of things to make it work...and to his credit he tried also. He went to rehab two times, reluctantly, because his job made him go. One of the times, he was in rehab and I got a phone call from him. He wasn't supposed to have a phone...this was before cell phones...but there he was on the phone. He called to tell me "how bad it was in here so I didn't do this to anyone else." After that call, although it took a little more than a year, we broke up. I was sad but I knew it was the right decision. We had been together for nine and a half years and I walked away from everything.

The second was probably the best in many ways but the hardest too....over the 11 years we were together, I checked my "person" at the door and never allowed myself to grow. This hurt both of us in the end and I felt horribly we ended negatively...over the years we have resolved everything. He was a very good man but not the best at showing affection and I'm a very affectionate person. We followed his job up and down the East Coast because he made so much more than I did. I had a good career going when we lived in Washington D.C. but had to leave it so we could move to New York. At the time, I was hurt and angry but didn't show it nor talk about it much. This I realized was a huge mistake and started us on the downward trend...this was truly my fault. I started drinking a little more and had a couple of affairs thinking I could find myself but in the most inappropriate ways. What I didn't know until later was he was having trysts too, but to his defense, it was due to my behavior. Five years ago, I received a job offer for a position in Texas. After some discussion, I made the move. It was very difficult splitting up everything...espcially the dogs and cats.

At the time, I thought I had made a good decision...and I did. I was able to find myself again, went into therapy, got back into competitive tennis and focused on Bill for the first time in my life. I realized it was okay to be selfish as long as you didn't hurt anyone. Through therapy, I was able to discover things about myself I knew but didn't want to face; now that I've faced my demons, I'm a much better person and partner.

If I had been in touch and able to hit my issues square in the face, would I have been in those relationships? Looking back on it, I wouldn't be where I am today and without having experienced everything I had in my life...would I change a few things...yes....would it have made a big difference....probably...but would I be the caring and loving person who understands himself better....probably not.

In my current relationship I am a much better person. I communicate more and better even though it might not be exactly what my partner wants to hear at the time....it's honest and open. After my fifty years, I'm finally able to be myself and not worry about what people think.

In closing, life is what it is. Sometimes we are dealt a hand we feel is insurmountable and we just want to give up; but don't. If you look at life as a series of situations requiring good decision making, you can make it. If you let outside factors govern your decisions, you might not make the decision that's best for you. I'm not saying it's okay to only look out for yourself to the detriment of others, but it's okay to be a little selfish as long as you don't hurt anyone. As I look back, I had money, lost money, made stupid decisions, made some good ones too....and through it all, ultimately, I had myself to fall back on.

Bill is a good person. He has a great job, people who love and care about him. He's healthy and happy. I have a measurement that some people may find as silly....if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I change anything? New house? New car? Nope....I love where I am now personally and professionally. It took a good amount of time and effort to get here; I'm so happy I get a chance to enjoy it.

Bill

Looking back at all the compilations of my relationships, I realize that I took a little something new from each person and learned a little more about myself, which taught me to love myself more. It's not just the good parts and trying to remember the happy memories, but it's also remembering the hardest parts. Hearing someone you love recognize the bad parts of you and acknowledging it yourself and trying to work on it. It's almost all the good little happy things and knowing that that's what I want in the future and all the criticism that comes out of ending a relationship is what I got back.

My whole life I've been told I'm a dreamer and not a doer. And it took me deciding not to be in a relationship to work on it. I'm definitely a dreamer, like looking at the sunlight and how it hits something and noticing the beauty that results.

I did the whole college thing. I don't know if it wasn't for me but it didn't pan out for me. I wanted to be a housewife. I wanted to be painting on a deck in NYC and have my doctor girlfriend come home to dinner. I've seen countless girls through countless career choices through countless relationships and then I dated a Scorpio. She was fantastic and beautiful and everything you wanted to make last forever.

It had been awhile since I had dated anyone and I was dating a couple of girls at the time. I realized that I didn't want to be a tour guide through life. I was dating older women who were like, "been there, done that" or, "aww you're only 23..." It was the first time in awhile I gave myself room to play with someone and give myself the opportunity to experience things with another person.

For being in the same place at the same time and for loving all of the same things, she made me feel like shit for making sandwiches. And gurl, I love to make sandwiches! I just began to feel like I'd be doing the same thing at the end of the day. And at the end of the day, everything was hers. Her pictures. Her life. Her girlfriend that was making sandwiches that just didn't cut it.

You can hold onto anger and choose to say those things, but I think I was mad at myself for not seeing the best parts of me. I was so mad at her for not seeing the best parts of me. I would say to her, "I love all your pieces" even though there were many awful pieces but I loved all of her pieces-they were the same to me. And when it was over, I was so mad at her for not seeing all of my pieces, but what kind of person are you if you allow someone to put you down and keep you there?! I'm 23 and have my whole life ahead of me. And guess what?! I'm still making sandwiches haha.

I started blogging 6 years ago and the first post I wrote was when I broke up with my first love. It's interesting to go back and read that post and then think about breaking up with my second love, which was in October. I have been single since then and I don't ever want to be in a relationship again. I've been hanging out with a girl and we cuddle and kiss occasionally. We share the kind of pillow-talk moments where we rediscover those angsty-teen moments together.

I want the movie kind of love. I want to read poetry to my love and I want to be able to stay in my room and paint and not have her care. My friendships have reflected that. I have a great group of friends that support one another and will go to each other's shows. I think it's because we're all headed in the same direction. I think it's because I formed a good relationship with myself.

I've had so many friends in my life tell me that I'm settling and at the time and in those moments I'm like, "I'm not settling! I can do this forever!" I read "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke in my last relationship. I remember seeing that book for the first time and it was in-between an Andrea Gibson poetry book and "Paint it Black", which I now consider my break-up book. It's about this girl who is finding in this relationship and her entire journey is realizing that someone in her life was not who he was, but who he wanted to be. She looses her faith in people and asks the Universe why she's here and why she is being tortured and she was given a sign to just let it all go. Let it all be.

There was a quote in Rilke about how things in life are difficult which is all the more reason why we should do them. I've worked so hard to be where I am, and working this hard, despite how difficult it's been, is all the more reason not to give up on it. I've been starting to feel the same way about emotions. I love the movie-love idea of jumping in head first and having it be all-or-nothing. But right now, I'm waiting for those moments, to take the time and take things slow, which have become my all-or-nothing moments.

Since Valentine's Day I have been dating a couple of women, but nothing serious. I woke up and realized that I want fireworks! Those types of moments where you're seeing a woman and she's already left for the day and has left you a note, and just seeing her handwriting makes you nervous. I feel like things have become muddled and I want those types of things to have meaning again. They didn't mean as much because I lost the journey that I was on.

I came out of high school thinking I knew who I was. Everybody has this idea of themselves of who they are and what they bring to the table. It's like the saying that says, "once you realize that there is no solid place to stand, you'll be at peace." I feel like I was trying to hold onto this image of who I was when I came out of high school and when I was in relationships with people who had all these wonderful things to say about me-it's like catching yourself in a lie.

I feel like I've been in this constant journey to come back to myself. The part of myself like when I was a kid and didn't know how harsh the world was. Like trying to get back to that place because that place is what I had given away to too many people. It's one aspect of myself that I like most about me. I've been spending all this time in relationships trying to find that part of myself and I now realize that I need to spend more time with myself. If I hold those standards for myself then I'll find people who hold the same standards for themselves in my life. It's like what all my friends tell me, "you shouldn't go to a bar to meet your next girlfriend." And my response was always, "Well there where do you meet your next girlfriend?!" It's nice to know that people hang out outside of bars.

It's all about making a personal connection. Not just a relationship. I mean, I come home to myself everyday and I don't feel like I've had a relationship with myself for a long time. How can you expect anyone to be there for you when you can't even be there for yourself?!

I feel like I have things to say and I feel like I haven't had anything to say for a really long time.

Hannah

Obviously I want to talk about an incident that happened in my first sober relationship. How we met is a whole nother story in of itself; but here it is in a nutshell.

There was a Boy and he was 6 months sober. He went out for a pass from the Jewish Rehab he found himself in and did nothing what his pass said he was going to do. His day pass said he was going to go have lunch with his family and meet up with friends to go to an AA meeting and then be back to the rehab for dinner. Instead, the Boy whisked himself away to his Garden of Eden, which he lovingly calls, The Flex. For those of you not familiar with The Flex, it is an establishment that requires the patrons to solely wear towels, which are optional. It was a lovely Sunday and this young Boy was going there merely to lay naked by the pool and for the weekly BBQ that was offered, not to participate in any shenanigans. It was his first time back at one of these establishments sober, and he was in parking ticket mode. He was the parking ticket and he wanted validation, but didn't want to get stamped!

He was making his way to the pool for the BBQ, when he saw the most delicious apple bottom ass he had ever seen. He stopped walking to imagine what it would be like to taste it. Before he was done fantasizing, the apple bottom turned around and caught the Boy staring with his toungue out. Embarrassed, the Boy makes it seem like he had stopped to open the steam room door, which he had mercifully stopped in front of. Before entering the steam room, he dropped his towel ever so slightly to reveal his crack and gives the apple bottom man a quick little inviting smile.

Embarrassed and flustered he calmed himself down in the steam room and in walked Apple Bottom. From the first moment he met Apple Bottom, his aggressive and dominant behavior was so appealing to the Boy. So the two of them were standing by the wall in the steam room and Apple Bottom reaches over ever so subtly and gives the Boy's jewels a little jiggle. It was an invitation that the Boy was all too ready to accept. Apple Bottom guided the boy to a cubby and they proceeded to put on a show for the other steam room patrons.

Having gotten validated and realizing a stamp was coming sooner than he would like, the Boy fled and wandered off to see what else was around, ready to get validated once more. After a couple of laps around, little results produced. The Boy entered the video room of this fine establishment and across the room he saw Apple Bottom pleasuring another patron. The Boy is a voyeur and was immensely satisfied to sit there and watch the live porn. To the Boy's excitement, his ticket was validated once again by Apple Bottom by beckoning him over to join in on the fun. The Boy was very happy to see Apple Bottom send away the other guy and give his sole attention to him. If you haven't already guessed it by now, the Boy likes to be the zebra in the African Safari, being pounced on and devoured by a hungry lion.

Apple Bottom whispered, "do you have a room?" and the Boy told him a small fib and said, "no." Fearing that if he said yes,  Apple Bottom would want to go to it and would want to stamp the Boy's ticket or have the boy stamp his ticket, and he was not ready for that! The Boy realized that it was once again time to flee and ran off, leaving the lion hungry and wanting more.

Looking at the time, the Boy realized that it was time to leave his Garden of Eden. Satisfied and validated he headed to his room to change. Once again, because he likes to be objectified, he left his door open while he got dressed. And who should pass by, but Apple Bottom?! The Boy was impressed with the fact that Apple Bottom did not call him out on his little white lie; instead, Apple Bottom said, "hold on a minute," and rushed off and quickly returned with his business card. The card had a sunflower on it, which just so happened to be the Boy's favorite flower.

Apple Bottom, whom the Boy now learned was named Tripp, handed him his card and said very directly, "call  me."

The Boy's sponsor had been encouraging him to get more numbers as a part of his program of recovery and so something deep inside the Boy told him he should call Tripp back. They set up their first date, very cryptic-like, fore the Boy had still not disclosed that he was six months sober and living in a Jewish Rehab. While trying to plan their first date, it was revealed that Tripp was five years sober and did not care much that the Boy was in rehab.

If you haven't guessed, I am the Boy and I had just heard at group of this concept of a "God Shot", which means that there are no coincidences-that something that seems random is in fact meant to be and is an indicator of a loving higher power working in your life. It's kind of like Pee-Wee Herman saying, "Connect the dots la la la la la!" All these random dots, make one complete picture, yet we are only able to see the dots. So this God Shot was that Tripp was five years sober. So all of my fears of disclosing my addiction were lifted and it was a safe place for me to explore romance sober.

We were very lesbionic and six months later we moved in together. I moved into his tiny single, which we called, "The Love Cave". There was no doubt that this person and I were meant to be together at that time in that moment. I was uncertain if I loved him in the "movie-romantic" way, but there was no doubt that he loved me unconditionally and I grew to do the same.

After my first year and a half, my dependence on him, just as my safety net, lifted and I was truly able to love him and give equally into the relationship. We were together for three and a half years and in our second year together, I developed seven Kidney Stones. This was a direct result of my Crystal Meth use. The drugs had eroded my ureter and made it so that little to no pee was getting into my kidneys and so I developed the stones. Tripp was there for me, to do something I had never done before, and never thought possible. To trust and depend on someone who was not family for support.

The surgery had gone well but my recovery was very difficult, due to my stubbornness of not wanting to take my prescribed pain medication in fear of relapsing. By not taking the medicine, I placed my body in so much pain and stress that the stint that was placed in my body shifted down to make it where I could no longer control my own bodily functions. Without a complaint, he was there, mopping up the goop, despite the gore. And believe me! It was not pretty!! And when I needed to be rushed to the hospital, due to infection, he took the lead again, like the lion I met in the bathouse. Instead of being his prey, I was his cub that he dragged to saftey.

I was very emabarrassed because I was continuously going to the bathroom and had to wear adult diapers and was worried that I would make a mess all over his car. He just smiled and reclined the seat so I could ride in comfort. On the way to the hospital I was in a lot of pain and stress, doing my best to hold everything in. Eventually I could not control it anymore and my body exploded. I looked at his face to see what he was thinking, and all I saw was a big smile and a laugh. No pity, no disgust, no shame. Just strength. I'll never forget that intense feeling of not being alone and being completely and utterly cared for and loved. And then I started laughing and letting my body go and having a good time. We cranked up the music and I pissed and shat to the music the rest of the way lol.

Even though a year and a half later, Tripp would display that he was human and selfish and bring about the end of our relationship. I will never forget that moment in the car and the gift he gave me. I felt unconditionally loved and cared for by a power greater than myself. The same kind of unconditional love my sponsor kept telling me I would get from my higher power, God, but did not feel it or understand it. When we broke up, I realized that I had made Tripp my higher power, but that in reality my higher power, or God as I choose to call him, had always been there and was always there working for me. Thanks to Tripp, I was able to experience the gift of trusting in that force for the first time. It is a gift that I cherish deeply and has allowed me to walk this Earth with a sense of faith and security that I had not known before.

Nick

I guess I should start with some background. Laura and I met right before she was leaving town. She had just got a marketing job which allowed her to travel all over the U.S. We had one amazing date right before she left. Just talking and hanging out...I was really excited to have met her, but then she had to leave. So we started talking on the phone. Soon we spent about an hour everyday talking on the phone. We'd send each other pictures and jokes. We had great conversations. When she came back to Denver for awhile...well, we had realy connected and started dating monogamously, you know, she was my 'girlfriend'. Then she had to leave again for several months...back to phone dating.

She would send me things in the mail like postcards and packages. She had been gone for a couple of months and had another month to go when she called me and said, "I'm sending you a present. It's going to be at your neighbor's house. Go see Cassie and get your present." She had sent me a clue of the present, it was a picture and it was of boxes, crates and luggage in a giant warehouse.

So I went next door and knocked on Cassie's door, totally excited to get my present. Cassie told me, "go into my room, it's in there." I walked in her room and there was Laura! She had flown back early. The picture she had sent me was of the hanger where she caught her airplane back to Denver. I had totally missed that clue haha. She made my whole day-no, that's an understatement. It was one of the best surprises I'd ever had and it was a great day.

Heather

I knew I was gay since I was eight years old. I never acknowledged it because I came from a very religious background. I tried to ignore my feelings for many years and didn't come out till my sophomore year of college when I met my first girlfriend. I fell in love with her right away. It was by far the most passionate relationship I've ever been in. We were together for 3 1/2 years and I came out to my family after being with her for six months. After I came out to my family I was out in the open to everyone. I really didn't care anymore, I was happy and wanted important people in my life to know.

I've always been a Daddy's girl, so telling him was my first priority. I was extremely nervous and paced around for 45 minutes crying before I could spit anything out. He took it all very well and was very supportive about it. It wasn't what he wished for me, but he wanted me to be happy. My mom reacted in a complete opposite way. She basically disowned me for two years and told me I was going to Hell. The communication we had was usually Bible verses she would send me and telling me that family was praying for me to get better, as if I was sick.

My senior year of college my Grandma got really sick. She was diagnosed with 4th degree lung cancer, so I came home to take care of her. She was moved to hospice and my girlfriend came to Colorado with me to spend her last weeks with her. This experience opened my mother's eyes to the fact that we were really in love and it wasn't a phase. At my grandmother's wake my mother broke down and cried and apologized for everything. From then on our relationship has made a 180. She became supportive and one of my best friends.

After I graduated from Nebraska I decided to move back home to Colorado. My relationship had been on the rocks for awhile. I learned that in passionate relationships, when it's good it's amazing and when it's bad it's hell. We tried to do the long-distance thing for awhile, but it didn't work so we broke up. I was devastated.

I decided to quit dating for awhile. I took time to find myself for awhile and worked on myself. It was hard but it was one of the best decisions I could have made at the time. Communication between my ex was a roller coaster. I finally started to try dating again and I always had the fear that I would never love anyone as much again. I've had one serious girlfriend since then and I fell in love for a second time. Unfortunately it didn't work out due to two different maturity levels. She was in her college phase and I was focused on starting my career. It was a fairly clean break and overall a good relationship, but never reached the level of my first girlfriend.

After the breakup my rugby season started up again. At the same time my mom was going through a pretty nasty divorce with my stepdad. It was her third divorce so I was spending a lot of time with her, trying to help her through it. I knew that there was something funky going on because it seemed like she was hiding something from me.

My first game of the season my mom told me she was bringing one of her best friends from church. As soon as I got off the field my roommate said, "OMG who is that lesbian with your mom?!" 100 footer, easy.

So I gave it the benefit of the doubt and thought to myself, "they're probably just good friends." The 100 footer started hanging around all the time. My mom took me to lunch and asked me if I thought her friend was gay, clearly I said, "absolutely." My mom immediately went into defense mode, acting like she was surprised and weirded out by it. She asked me questions like, "How do I tell her this is not what I want? I'm not gay and just want to be friends." I told her that she can't just come at her and accuse her of being a lesbian if she hadn't opened up about it. I kind of just let it sit, then I got a call from my mom a month later and she was bawling her eyes out-I knew exactly was she was going to say. She broke down and apologized once again and she said, "I don't expect you to accept this about me, but I'm in love with Jenn."

It was hard for me to take at first due to the fact that she disowned me for two years. Her happiness was most important to me, so I forgave her and supported her new relationship. About two months later they "U-Hauled it" and moved in together and about a month and a half later, they were engaged. Now they've been together probably about 7 or 8 months, that I know about.

I asked her because I was curious if she had ever had these thoughts before because sometimes people who have the hardest time accepting other people who are gay because they themselves have thoughts and/or tendencies but are afraid to face them. She responded that she had never had those thoughts but after witnessing my first relationship, it had opened her up to the fact that you don't love someone for their gender, but for who they are. You fall in love with someone, gender completely aside.

I don't think my mom is gay, I think it was a timing thing. Jenn came into her life when she was going through a nasty divorce and was her best friend and supported her. I think my mom looked past the fact that she was a woman and began to take her guard down and get past the whole "I'm going to Hell" thing. She allowed herself to fall in love with this woman, gender aside.

When I see friends struggle with their families, this is often the story that inspires them that there is always hope. My mom was disgusted by me when I came out, but after seeing that love is love, her perspective on the world changed.

I've always had the attitude that I'm going to do what makes me happy, the people who accept it are people I want in my life and the people who don't are a waste of time. Family has always been my priority and I couldn't be happier that I never gave up on my mom.

Nicole