Seeing as it is Pride month, I feel compelled to share my thoughts around the notion of pride...
The celebration of Pride marks the anniversary of the brave souls who fought back against the discrimination and refused to take it anymore. I believe it is important to take a moment to reflect on the Stonewall Riots and the events that took place in the Manhattan bar.
To me, pride means being proud of who you are. Speaking from experience this is not nearly as simple as it sounds and I for one have had to actively work, and rework at this process within myself. For many years I sought my approval outside of myself and although this validation was found, I was never fulfilled. It took many years to realize that I needed to validate myself in order to build and foster my self esteem which in turn could lead to pride.
I teach at a treatment facility for at-risk youth in which behavior modification is key. Every student present has a diagnosed behavioral disorder and we attempt to teach new behaviors to help these adolescents become more successful in life. A major theme present amongst this population is low self-esteem. These students will be the first to say that they do not respect or value themselves and therefore they do not care that their actions and choices may reflect upon them poorly.
Attempting to teach self respect in order to change behaviors has been a great point of reflection for myself. One difficulty that I struggle with is victimization and being a part of the LGTBQ population I catch myself sometimes falling into this modality. I allow myself, because of the oppression, hate, discrimination, (the list goes on...), to become angry, emotional and reactionary rather than calm and proactive.
My girlfriend's father, a very intelligent man, said last weekend that when dealing with difficult people or situations, it is important to model the desired behavior. Those who know me know that I am a very passionate individual and can become impassioned quite quickly, especially when I feel that I, or someone I care about, is being disrespected. For me, remaining diplomatic and calm in these sort of situations can be quite challenging.
They say that opposite's attract and although my girlfriend and I have some similarities, we are very different people. When handling a situation, my girlfriend, is much more calm, cool and collected; as a result, she presents herself very rationally, eloquently and respectfully. I am privileged to have such an amazing woman by my side to help me grow and learn.
A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend and I, found ourselves in a very uncomfortable situation. Without going into great detail, we were invited to an event at which many people were not happy with our presence. Thankfully no major incident occurred, but it was very obvious that many were very uncomfortable with us. This event was very emotional for us because it was supposed to be a joyful event but because of the rude stares and unnecessary comments, our joy was transformed into fear and anger.
After this event, we vowed to each other that we were no longer going to partake in any event where we had to be "just friends". We talked and decided that it is not our job to further a person's ignorance by remaining in the closet for their comfort. We are respectful young women that handle ourselves appropriately and if people are uncomfortable with our presence, then they can leave. We have no desire to force people to be immediately accepting of homosexuals, but we simply would like to be safe and comfortable being ourselves.
All this to say, I believe that one of the most important aspects of pride, especially for the LGTBQ community is to be out. Don't get me wrong, I understand that safety is a number one priority that should be considered first and foremost. With this said, I believe that the whole "coming out" process is in itself bullshit. It is a privilege to be heterosexual in this society because us LGTBQ-ers still lack many of the same rights simply because of who we are. It is a privilege not to have to announce to the world that you like a member of the same sex or that you plan on transitioning, all the while being terrified that you will be emotionally or physically attacked, cut off or cut out. I hope for a day when people will stop assuming that everyone is heterosexual and people won't have to come out anymore.
Until that day however, I believe that coming out is essential to the community. Many articles and studies are being published that those who have opposed homosexuality are becoming more accepting due to familiarity. There are many assumptions, beliefs and generalizations about how members of the community act and unfortunately no one but us can dispel those judgements. Is this fair? No, but if we want our rights and equality then it is our job is to educate. Nelson Mandela said it best, "there is no better tool to change the world than education."
I realize that by putting ourselves in situations simply to educate people with assumptions and preconceived notions can be exhausting, demoralizing, unsafe and frustrating, to say the least, the best way we can educate people is to simply be ourselves. My girlfriend read an article about a lesbian basketball player awhile back who although was out, argued that it is no one's business whom she loved. I agree with her, but to an extent. It is no one's business whom I love, but because American society is still so heterocentric, we as a community need to end the assumptions that everyone is straight.
Many of my students are very homophobic and have no problem expressing these views and I have had many conversations with them simply asking about and challenging their beliefs. Through these discussions and by questioning them I have been able to change some opinions. Yes outing myself in the face of hate is terrifying, this never gets easier unfortunatley, but I have decided that I am proud to be a lesbian woman and because of this, I will not hide who I am to anyone. To me, pride means being out.
When I have been able to remain diplomatic and respectful while facing prejudice and discrimination, I know I have made much more of an effect than when I have become angry and emotional. More importantly however, looking back on these situations, I am more proud of myself when I conduct myself maturely than when I do not act calmly. I cannot control another person's opinions and no matter how much I may want to change them, I cannot. I have learned so much from working with these students but the most important lesson I have learned is that I can only be myself and by having pride in myself and my actions, I can put my best self forward.
Please do not read this and think that I think that if you are still in the closet or questioning that you have no pride. Coming out is a process and should be done on one's own terms when one feels it is right. However, I will say that I hope that people can have enough pride in themselves to not hide who they are. Remember, bullies have little to no self respect, this is why they bully people. They do not like themselves so they pick on other people to make themselves feel better. I am not excusing their actions, but do not, under any circumstance, ever let another person's opinions of you change your opinion of yourself. Their opinion reflects upon them and who they are, not you.
Have a very happy and safe Pride!! :)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Reading previous posts, I think it is safe to say that love takes many forms. And although it is a simple four letter word, the meaning of love is a complex feeling, emotion, reaction, etc. Love can be easy, love can be hard, and love can be the willingness to overcome adversity.
Love can be for an inanimate object, an animal, an action, or for another human being. Each one of those categories could then be broken down into subcategories; love can be for a pillow or a blanket, a dog named Niko, sleeping, playing sports, or cooking, and love can be for a man, a woman, or someone who has changed his or her own gender to feel comfortable in his or her own skin.
Not to be redundant and/or annoying, but those subcategories could be broken down and so on and so forth. The point is if I asked every person in this world what the definition of love is, I almost guarantee that every response would be different.
Love is complex. I want to share about two people. One afternoon, an individual walked into the doors of a coffee shop. As this person ordered a hot cup of coffee, another person was typing away at a computer writing a thesis paper. Ten minutes later, the two individuals began to engage in a conversation about the weather which lead to professions, which then lead to politics, which then lead to exchanging numbers for a second encounter.
After spending more time together, the two fell in love with one another. The rest, as they say, is history.
You maybe asking why I told such a boring, cliche story. My response would be this, "Who did you picture in the story? A man and a woman? A woman and a woman? Who were the two people that fell in love?"
During my undergraduate studies I performed a study just as this one. After I read this story out loud to the participants, they were to immediately state the genders of the two characters in the story. My results were as followed: 48/56 stated a man and a woman, 5/56 stated the genders were never mentioned, and 3/56 did not complete the survey. After I disclosed that the two people in the story were women, most responded with guilty/surprised looks on their faces.
Not that a blog entry needs to have a point or anything, but my hope in writing this post is that some individual out there will realize that love is not one simple idea that happens between a man and a woman, but rather love is complex and relative to the individual.
To close, love is for the individual and the individual alone. With that said...Love who you want when you want.
Anonymous
Love can be for an inanimate object, an animal, an action, or for another human being. Each one of those categories could then be broken down into subcategories; love can be for a pillow or a blanket, a dog named Niko, sleeping, playing sports, or cooking, and love can be for a man, a woman, or someone who has changed his or her own gender to feel comfortable in his or her own skin.
Not to be redundant and/or annoying, but those subcategories could be broken down and so on and so forth. The point is if I asked every person in this world what the definition of love is, I almost guarantee that every response would be different.
Love is complex. I want to share about two people. One afternoon, an individual walked into the doors of a coffee shop. As this person ordered a hot cup of coffee, another person was typing away at a computer writing a thesis paper. Ten minutes later, the two individuals began to engage in a conversation about the weather which lead to professions, which then lead to politics, which then lead to exchanging numbers for a second encounter.
After spending more time together, the two fell in love with one another. The rest, as they say, is history.
You maybe asking why I told such a boring, cliche story. My response would be this, "Who did you picture in the story? A man and a woman? A woman and a woman? Who were the two people that fell in love?"
During my undergraduate studies I performed a study just as this one. After I read this story out loud to the participants, they were to immediately state the genders of the two characters in the story. My results were as followed: 48/56 stated a man and a woman, 5/56 stated the genders were never mentioned, and 3/56 did not complete the survey. After I disclosed that the two people in the story were women, most responded with guilty/surprised looks on their faces.
Not that a blog entry needs to have a point or anything, but my hope in writing this post is that some individual out there will realize that love is not one simple idea that happens between a man and a woman, but rather love is complex and relative to the individual.
To close, love is for the individual and the individual alone. With that said...Love who you want when you want.
Anonymous
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Before I begin, I'd like to say how beautiful this blog is, and how it touches my heart so deeply, because it is created by our wonderful daughter, Mia. I am so proud to be Mia's mom.
That said, I am mother to Mia and her sister, two wonderful girls whom I love more than anything on this earth. And that, our youngest, Mia came out as gay two years ago is just a sweet variation on the musical scale of life, a wee step off the heterosexual path, that doesn't matter at all, and only seems to have made our life as a family so much richer.
As Mia's mom, I was not totally surprised when she told us she was gay. I had had a number of inklings over the years, little 'snapshot' moments ofher that stayed in my mind, an intuition that something might be different this time. It was a slow awakening, as I'm sure it was with Mia, but I finally wrote her a letter expressing some of my thoughts and feelings, letting her know that if she felt she was discovering new and different feelings about herself and her sexuality, her dad, sister and I were totally, 100%, fine with whatever that may be. We loved every inch of her whether she was gay, straight or bi.
In looking back I did have a moment or two of internal adjustment and growth with the dawning real-ization that Mia might be gay. As Mia likes to point out, and accurately so, "we grow up and live in a heterocentric society", meaning that there is no discussion about all the differences that may exist amongst us. When raising the girls in the '90s [which feels like the dark ages, now] gayness was never talked about. Nor was it part of the national dialect, as it is today, as in the issue of Gay Marriage, etc. So I had no context in which to put my feelings, except my Irish Catholic upbringing, which wasn't particularly helpful.
One memory I have is when Mia was invited to a "Leadership Council Weekend" in High School. Over the weekend, her teacher had shared with Mia that she thought that everyone was born "bisexual". I remember feeling uncomfortable about that because I felt her teacher was unduly influencing Mia when she was still so young and going through a lot of change.
But then, some months later, I had a 'light bulb' moment, as Oprah liked to say, and realized that what her teacher had said was fine, and even good, because her words would only resonate with someone whou could identify with them on a deeply personal and organic level, at the core of their being. In speaking about the issue, her teacher had afforded her students some space to breathe and know that whatever they were feeling was ok. And, for that, I am now very grateful. Though it would be some years later before Mia would sort it all out for herself, her teacher's statement may have helped her in some small way at a time she was experiencing her own burgeoning feelings of pubescent sexuality.
I believe so strongly that it does get better the more our individual preferences and differences are discussed openly and honestly, with both young and old 'coming out' and sharing their lives and their stories. The last ten years has felt like a great opening of hearts and minds. Theworld has become a very small place [with a billion, or so, people] and so many of us know someone or have family members or friends who are gay. They are beautiful people with beautiful hearts and beautiful minds and have so much to give to our world. All love is the same...same, love, same. (:
Harvey Milk, bless his brave and wise soul, said, "familiarity breeds tolerance" and it is so true! With each voice that is heard, gay and straight, alike, the world IS becomming a better place! It does get better! it does, it does!!
With love for Mia...with all our hearts, Mom, Dad and Nessa
Tess Glynn Furtado
That said, I am mother to Mia and her sister, two wonderful girls whom I love more than anything on this earth. And that, our youngest, Mia came out as gay two years ago is just a sweet variation on the musical scale of life, a wee step off the heterosexual path, that doesn't matter at all, and only seems to have made our life as a family so much richer.
As Mia's mom, I was not totally surprised when she told us she was gay. I had had a number of inklings over the years, little 'snapshot' moments ofher that stayed in my mind, an intuition that something might be different this time. It was a slow awakening, as I'm sure it was with Mia, but I finally wrote her a letter expressing some of my thoughts and feelings, letting her know that if she felt she was discovering new and different feelings about herself and her sexuality, her dad, sister and I were totally, 100%, fine with whatever that may be. We loved every inch of her whether she was gay, straight or bi.
In looking back I did have a moment or two of internal adjustment and growth with the dawning real-ization that Mia might be gay. As Mia likes to point out, and accurately so, "we grow up and live in a heterocentric society", meaning that there is no discussion about all the differences that may exist amongst us. When raising the girls in the '90s [which feels like the dark ages, now] gayness was never talked about. Nor was it part of the national dialect, as it is today, as in the issue of Gay Marriage, etc. So I had no context in which to put my feelings, except my Irish Catholic upbringing, which wasn't particularly helpful.
One memory I have is when Mia was invited to a "Leadership Council Weekend" in High School. Over the weekend, her teacher had shared with Mia that she thought that everyone was born "bisexual". I remember feeling uncomfortable about that because I felt her teacher was unduly influencing Mia when she was still so young and going through a lot of change.
But then, some months later, I had a 'light bulb' moment, as Oprah liked to say, and realized that what her teacher had said was fine, and even good, because her words would only resonate with someone whou could identify with them on a deeply personal and organic level, at the core of their being. In speaking about the issue, her teacher had afforded her students some space to breathe and know that whatever they were feeling was ok. And, for that, I am now very grateful. Though it would be some years later before Mia would sort it all out for herself, her teacher's statement may have helped her in some small way at a time she was experiencing her own burgeoning feelings of pubescent sexuality.
I believe so strongly that it does get better the more our individual preferences and differences are discussed openly and honestly, with both young and old 'coming out' and sharing their lives and their stories. The last ten years has felt like a great opening of hearts and minds. Theworld has become a very small place [with a billion, or so, people] and so many of us know someone or have family members or friends who are gay. They are beautiful people with beautiful hearts and beautiful minds and have so much to give to our world. All love is the same...same, love, same. (:
Harvey Milk, bless his brave and wise soul, said, "familiarity breeds tolerance" and it is so true! With each voice that is heard, gay and straight, alike, the world IS becomming a better place! It does get better! it does, it does!!
With love for Mia...with all our hearts, Mom, Dad and Nessa
Tess Glynn Furtado
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Starting a GSA in the Bible Belt
Love. That is how my parents raised me. They taught me to always love with everything I had. What they didn't teach me was that is everyone wasn't raised the same way.
We were avid church goers. I grew up in the Bible Belt of Texas, so this wasn't that unusual. Every Sunday morning I got up early and went to mass. I participated in organizations such as; Christian Student Union and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I was serious about my faith and my devotion to God. I always had my pocket Bible with me everywhere I went. I went on retreats and mission trips to spread my love. I was a good Christian.
So when I was finally able to admit to myself that I was in fact attracted to girls, coming out was simple. My father cried because he was so sad that I had felt like I couldn't tell him right away. I mean, I was seriously so lucky. My identity was embraced with open arms from my friends and family.
I was on the speech and debate teams at my high school, and was starting to get into gay rights. My coach sat me down and explained to me what was happening in our city. She said that there were these organizations called Gay-Straight Alliances (GSA) and one high school was in the process of suing the school for not allowing the club. In order for them to win their case there had to be one other high school that would start an alliance to prove that is was necessary in schools. So I did it.
I started a GSA in my high school. I was so excited to provide an outlet for other QLGTB youth. I couldn't believe I hadn't been the one to think of it first. Since I had started the GSA, my city created a central organization for all the high schools in the area to get together and meet once a month.
Quickly the word spread about the GSA. Once a month I made handmade rainbow signs to advertise our meetings. It was about six months of my club being up and running that things started to change. There was mean slander written on my signs, signs torn down and ripped up, and other signs put up to replace mine.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. Walking into the cafeteria and being stopped dead in my tracks. In a split second everything I grew up believing, all of my faith, was destroyed. I had spent hours, days, years devoting my life to God and all the organizations. How was I repaid? With a sign from the Christian Student Union, at least 20 feet long, with quotes from the Bible about killing homosexuals. I stood there in horror. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. How could an organization that preaches love extend so much hate?
I spent the next few weeks struggling with the fact that my God would allow such hatred to happen. The members of the GSA stopped coming to the meetings out of fear. Where did this come from? I spent 16 years knowing only love and tolerance. It was as if my world had been shattered.
One morning, before class, I was sitting in the cafeteria waiting for the bell to ring for first period. My principal sat down next to me. These last few weeks I had learned to fear. I was afraid of why she was sitting there. Every possible scenario went through my head. Then she said, "I think the GSA is the only organization we need on this campus. Obviously tolerance is something all students need to learn. I am proud of you and will offer protection for your group."
I am pretty sure I cried. That was the day I realized that not everyone was as lucky as me. My parents taught me to love so big. I could not be more grateful for my experiences.
Jacquelyn
Love. That is how my parents raised me. They taught me to always love with everything I had. What they didn't teach me was that is everyone wasn't raised the same way.
We were avid church goers. I grew up in the Bible Belt of Texas, so this wasn't that unusual. Every Sunday morning I got up early and went to mass. I participated in organizations such as; Christian Student Union and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I was serious about my faith and my devotion to God. I always had my pocket Bible with me everywhere I went. I went on retreats and mission trips to spread my love. I was a good Christian.
So when I was finally able to admit to myself that I was in fact attracted to girls, coming out was simple. My father cried because he was so sad that I had felt like I couldn't tell him right away. I mean, I was seriously so lucky. My identity was embraced with open arms from my friends and family.
I was on the speech and debate teams at my high school, and was starting to get into gay rights. My coach sat me down and explained to me what was happening in our city. She said that there were these organizations called Gay-Straight Alliances (GSA) and one high school was in the process of suing the school for not allowing the club. In order for them to win their case there had to be one other high school that would start an alliance to prove that is was necessary in schools. So I did it.
I started a GSA in my high school. I was so excited to provide an outlet for other QLGTB youth. I couldn't believe I hadn't been the one to think of it first. Since I had started the GSA, my city created a central organization for all the high schools in the area to get together and meet once a month.
Quickly the word spread about the GSA. Once a month I made handmade rainbow signs to advertise our meetings. It was about six months of my club being up and running that things started to change. There was mean slander written on my signs, signs torn down and ripped up, and other signs put up to replace mine.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. Walking into the cafeteria and being stopped dead in my tracks. In a split second everything I grew up believing, all of my faith, was destroyed. I had spent hours, days, years devoting my life to God and all the organizations. How was I repaid? With a sign from the Christian Student Union, at least 20 feet long, with quotes from the Bible about killing homosexuals. I stood there in horror. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. How could an organization that preaches love extend so much hate?
I spent the next few weeks struggling with the fact that my God would allow such hatred to happen. The members of the GSA stopped coming to the meetings out of fear. Where did this come from? I spent 16 years knowing only love and tolerance. It was as if my world had been shattered.
One morning, before class, I was sitting in the cafeteria waiting for the bell to ring for first period. My principal sat down next to me. These last few weeks I had learned to fear. I was afraid of why she was sitting there. Every possible scenario went through my head. Then she said, "I think the GSA is the only organization we need on this campus. Obviously tolerance is something all students need to learn. I am proud of you and will offer protection for your group."
I am pretty sure I cried. That was the day I realized that not everyone was as lucky as me. My parents taught me to love so big. I could not be more grateful for my experiences.
Jacquelyn
Monday, February 13, 2012
They've always told me that you will find love when you least expect it or when you are not looking for it; and now, speaking from experience I know this to be true. I found my love sitting on her couch, in my sweats, fresh off the plane having traveled from Portland back to Denver all day long, with my laundry (and underwear) strewn about her kitchen...
A very good friend of mine told me about her successful story of love and the first thing she said to me was how she had taken the time to be single and work on herself and although I had claimed that I was going to do this for years and how I wanted to do this, I never did. It wasn't until actually being single that I realized that I did in fact have intimacy issues, which I had already suspected, but this particular issue was the opposite of what I had originally thought it was.
Flash forward nine months and I met Kristen and something clicked. She literally took my breath away as she walked down the steps and according to witnesses, I had a 'shit-eating-grin' on my face as we introduced ourselves. We went on a couple of dates and I now recognize that I was still very hesitant, due to my intimacy issue and when she asked me to be her girlfriend, I hesitated. At this point I had been working on my intimacy issue and I wanted to make absolute sure that I was making a conscious decision and not a flippant one. I can say that to this day, saying yes to her was one of the smartest decisions I have ever made. Kristen is intelligent, kind, funny, gorgeous, motivated and hard working, patient and understanding. I really hit the jack pot with this one!
The same friend that I referenced earlier also mentioned in a conversation when discussing relationships, that people need to choose to love one another. Meaning, if you've had a long day and you're stressed out and sleep deprived and your partner says something that annoys you, instead of giving into that stress and biting your partner's head off, you stop, breath, and choose to love you partner in that moment. Be it calmly explaining to your partner that you do not appreciate how they are acting, or halting the growing negativity completely by grabbing your partner and kissing him/her, or realizing that the comment was not a personal attack meant to annoy you.
I couldn't agree more with my dear friend about having an awareness around choosing to love your partner on a conscious level. Kristen and I choose to love each other on a daily basis. We don't fight. We talk and do not yell or push buttons. We listen to each other. We communicate. We work opposite schedules where on some days we only see each other as I leave for work in the morning and when she comes home from work later that night. Despite our limited face time we still value the time we do have and make sure to honor one another and our relationship. Along these same lines, on our worst days, when we're sad, forgetful, anxious, angry or moody, we choose to accept one another in her momentary weakness and love each other rather than belittle or berate the other.
Last week during one of our seasonal storms, Kristen was kind enough to offer me her car to drive safely to work since my car does not have 4WD. As I put my stuff inside her car and got out again to clean the car, I accidentally hit the automatic lock button and locked everything, my phone, my wallet and my lunch in the car with the ignition running. I woke Kristen back up and she gave me my car keys and told me to go to work and she'd take care of it. Not only did she deal with the headache of calling Geico to get the keys unlocked, waiting outside in the snow, she then came to my work to drop off my purse and lunch, but also took the time to take me to get my favorite tea because I had been sick.
Moments like this morning are an example of Kristen choosing to love me. Instead of becoming angry with me for locking her keys in her car with the ignition running, or getting annoyed with waking her back up early in the morning or becoming resentful that she had to drive 30 miles out of her way to bring me my lunch, she showed up with a smile and a kiss for me. This example is one of many moments that Kristen has shown her love for me. There are other sweet little moments where she remembers to bite off the top of the banana for me because I think tops of the banana are gross and they freak me out!
All this to say I couldn't be happier. Although we haven't been together for very long, our relationship has been easy and fun and exciting everyday. I still get excited when I know I'm going home to see her after work or she is coming home to see me. When I hear her voice I still get butterflies in my stomach. To me she is still the most flawless woman on this earth and her smile still takes my breath away. I love her unconditionally and she makes my life better in every way. She calms me when I'm becoming overly passionate as well as reminding me of reason when I become irrational. She accepts me during my most self-conscious moments and makes me laugh to ease the tension and make me feel better. We are good for one another-we balance each other out. I now realize that all of those cliches about love and 'happily ever after' are in fact true and are possible.
Even though my parents are still together after 32 and a half years of marriage, my sister and I have often talked about how we are not sure if people are really meant to be together for their entire lives. I am not even 32 years old, let alone being with one person for 32 years...I grew up with a healthy, loving example of two people spending their lives together and I still was not sure if this 'fairy tale ending' was going to happen to me. After meeting Kristen however, I'm quite certain that it will.
Happy Valentine's Day Love
Mia
A very good friend of mine told me about her successful story of love and the first thing she said to me was how she had taken the time to be single and work on herself and although I had claimed that I was going to do this for years and how I wanted to do this, I never did. It wasn't until actually being single that I realized that I did in fact have intimacy issues, which I had already suspected, but this particular issue was the opposite of what I had originally thought it was.
Flash forward nine months and I met Kristen and something clicked. She literally took my breath away as she walked down the steps and according to witnesses, I had a 'shit-eating-grin' on my face as we introduced ourselves. We went on a couple of dates and I now recognize that I was still very hesitant, due to my intimacy issue and when she asked me to be her girlfriend, I hesitated. At this point I had been working on my intimacy issue and I wanted to make absolute sure that I was making a conscious decision and not a flippant one. I can say that to this day, saying yes to her was one of the smartest decisions I have ever made. Kristen is intelligent, kind, funny, gorgeous, motivated and hard working, patient and understanding. I really hit the jack pot with this one!
The same friend that I referenced earlier also mentioned in a conversation when discussing relationships, that people need to choose to love one another. Meaning, if you've had a long day and you're stressed out and sleep deprived and your partner says something that annoys you, instead of giving into that stress and biting your partner's head off, you stop, breath, and choose to love you partner in that moment. Be it calmly explaining to your partner that you do not appreciate how they are acting, or halting the growing negativity completely by grabbing your partner and kissing him/her, or realizing that the comment was not a personal attack meant to annoy you.
I couldn't agree more with my dear friend about having an awareness around choosing to love your partner on a conscious level. Kristen and I choose to love each other on a daily basis. We don't fight. We talk and do not yell or push buttons. We listen to each other. We communicate. We work opposite schedules where on some days we only see each other as I leave for work in the morning and when she comes home from work later that night. Despite our limited face time we still value the time we do have and make sure to honor one another and our relationship. Along these same lines, on our worst days, when we're sad, forgetful, anxious, angry or moody, we choose to accept one another in her momentary weakness and love each other rather than belittle or berate the other.
Last week during one of our seasonal storms, Kristen was kind enough to offer me her car to drive safely to work since my car does not have 4WD. As I put my stuff inside her car and got out again to clean the car, I accidentally hit the automatic lock button and locked everything, my phone, my wallet and my lunch in the car with the ignition running. I woke Kristen back up and she gave me my car keys and told me to go to work and she'd take care of it. Not only did she deal with the headache of calling Geico to get the keys unlocked, waiting outside in the snow, she then came to my work to drop off my purse and lunch, but also took the time to take me to get my favorite tea because I had been sick.
Moments like this morning are an example of Kristen choosing to love me. Instead of becoming angry with me for locking her keys in her car with the ignition running, or getting annoyed with waking her back up early in the morning or becoming resentful that she had to drive 30 miles out of her way to bring me my lunch, she showed up with a smile and a kiss for me. This example is one of many moments that Kristen has shown her love for me. There are other sweet little moments where she remembers to bite off the top of the banana for me because I think tops of the banana are gross and they freak me out!
All this to say I couldn't be happier. Although we haven't been together for very long, our relationship has been easy and fun and exciting everyday. I still get excited when I know I'm going home to see her after work or she is coming home to see me. When I hear her voice I still get butterflies in my stomach. To me she is still the most flawless woman on this earth and her smile still takes my breath away. I love her unconditionally and she makes my life better in every way. She calms me when I'm becoming overly passionate as well as reminding me of reason when I become irrational. She accepts me during my most self-conscious moments and makes me laugh to ease the tension and make me feel better. We are good for one another-we balance each other out. I now realize that all of those cliches about love and 'happily ever after' are in fact true and are possible.
Even though my parents are still together after 32 and a half years of marriage, my sister and I have often talked about how we are not sure if people are really meant to be together for their entire lives. I am not even 32 years old, let alone being with one person for 32 years...I grew up with a healthy, loving example of two people spending their lives together and I still was not sure if this 'fairy tale ending' was going to happen to me. After meeting Kristen however, I'm quite certain that it will.
Happy Valentine's Day Love
Mia
Friday, January 6, 2012
I'm not sure as a child I knew what love was, in fact, I am not sure even to this day that I know what love is. I don't believe in the heart dropping, butterflies in the stomach completely enamored kind of "in love" many people purport to experience. I heard a lot about love being raised in a two parent Christian home, especially agape love. It's an interesting concept that can be briefly described as a divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. My parents demonstrated this kind of love to me and my siblings our entire lives by always loving and supporting us - even when we broke rules and I came out.
I don't put much stock in feelings as shown on TV or we read about in books because they seem ethereal and fleeting. With that being said, I have found true one important caveat in my life that may be considered a facet of love, according to the idea of agape. That is committment.
My friends would say this is an odd word for me to use because I am a self-proclaimed and many times chastised committment-a-phobe.
Committment is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as the following:
1 a: an act of committing to charge or trust: as (1): a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2): an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee b: mittimus
2 a: an aggreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially: an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b: something pledged c: the state or instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a committment to a cause>
Obviously, the first definitions is not the one I'm concerned with. The second is. Unwittingly all of my adult life, I have been committing to people on different levels. First date, undefined whatever, casually dating, survivor, f**k buddy, friends with benefits, best friend, confidant, girlfriend/boyfriend (depending on my personal mood or gender preference at that stage in life), someone who will be there, provider, fiance, live in partner, domestic partner, joint account sharer and the list goes on.
We all have been one of these at different times. I am a biological woman who has enjoyed committing on varying levels to many woman over the course of my life. In every interaction I was shaped and learned so much from each of them, as I hoped they learned from me. I have bettered as a person and partner due to every word exchanged (harsh or kind), from every adventure taken, from every glance stolen and every memory shared. Today I can say that I am in the most seriously committed and non ambiguous relationship in my life, which I never would have been able to say had it not come for the women before.
With that said, I am not very different than most people: straight, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, transgendered, intersex etc. We all commit on some level to something at some point in time.
Natalie
I don't put much stock in feelings as shown on TV or we read about in books because they seem ethereal and fleeting. With that being said, I have found true one important caveat in my life that may be considered a facet of love, according to the idea of agape. That is committment.
My friends would say this is an odd word for me to use because I am a self-proclaimed and many times chastised committment-a-phobe.
Committment is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as the following:
1 a: an act of committing to charge or trust: as (1): a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2): an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee b: mittimus
2 a: an aggreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially: an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b: something pledged c: the state or instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a committment to a cause>
Obviously, the first definitions is not the one I'm concerned with. The second is. Unwittingly all of my adult life, I have been committing to people on different levels. First date, undefined whatever, casually dating, survivor, f**k buddy, friends with benefits, best friend, confidant, girlfriend/boyfriend (depending on my personal mood or gender preference at that stage in life), someone who will be there, provider, fiance, live in partner, domestic partner, joint account sharer and the list goes on.
We all have been one of these at different times. I am a biological woman who has enjoyed committing on varying levels to many woman over the course of my life. In every interaction I was shaped and learned so much from each of them, as I hoped they learned from me. I have bettered as a person and partner due to every word exchanged (harsh or kind), from every adventure taken, from every glance stolen and every memory shared. Today I can say that I am in the most seriously committed and non ambiguous relationship in my life, which I never would have been able to say had it not come for the women before.
With that said, I am not very different than most people: straight, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, transgendered, intersex etc. We all commit on some level to something at some point in time.
Natalie
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I had undergone a minor surgery that had left me in major pain. The surgery was done in my mouth, which left talking difficult, breathing uncomfortable and eating near impossible. My girlfriend at the time requested two shifts off in order to be with me the night before, (these procedures seem to make me quite anxious), then to take me the morning of, and spend the rest of the day with me.
The pain is nothing like I have ever felt in my life and she was there to make me laugh, rub my back when I cried, make delcious smoothies for me to drink and comfort me when I was feeling anxious. Without asking she completed my grocery shopping and even thought to buy my favorite lavander bubble bath. She drew me a bath that first night and helped me shower since I was high on percocet.
She had to work and go to class the next couple of days but after her shifts and classes she came right over to my house to continue to take care of me (she happened to live an hour a half away from me) so I wouldn't have to be alone at night. After five days of commuting and being my bedside nurse, she surprised me by coming up one night when I wasn't expecting her just to make sure that I was doing alright.
About a month after my surgery our relationship ended in one big hot mess. To this day we do not talk and have gone our separate ways, but I am still very thankful for how well this woman took care of me during a difficult and scary moment in my life.
Anonymous
The pain is nothing like I have ever felt in my life and she was there to make me laugh, rub my back when I cried, make delcious smoothies for me to drink and comfort me when I was feeling anxious. Without asking she completed my grocery shopping and even thought to buy my favorite lavander bubble bath. She drew me a bath that first night and helped me shower since I was high on percocet.
She had to work and go to class the next couple of days but after her shifts and classes she came right over to my house to continue to take care of me (she happened to live an hour a half away from me) so I wouldn't have to be alone at night. After five days of commuting and being my bedside nurse, she surprised me by coming up one night when I wasn't expecting her just to make sure that I was doing alright.
About a month after my surgery our relationship ended in one big hot mess. To this day we do not talk and have gone our separate ways, but I am still very thankful for how well this woman took care of me during a difficult and scary moment in my life.
Anonymous
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