My girlfriend and I were talking recently and she asked me, "did you feel like you finally became yourself once you realized you were gay?" Although I knew I liked girls at the age of 16 and dated a few here and there, I didn't come out until about a year and a half ago.
Looking back on my life I realize that it wasn't until coming out and realizing that I am in fact gay, I had never truly been comfortable in my shoes. I went through many phases, mostly with my appearance, trying new looks out unconsciously trying to find my place in the world. I was a hippie in high school and dabbled in the goth realm shortly there after.
I was a tomboy as a young girl and joke to this day with my parents that I was the son they never had. Prefering dirt and trucks over dancing and dolls I befriended young boys rather than young girls and played rough as a little one. I even have a few memories of taking my grandmother into the little boys section of clothing when she took me shopping as a child.
Sure one could say that all of these memories either fall into society's engenderized notions or that as a lesbian I myself am feeding into homophobic stereotypes, but I will be the first to say that stereotypes originate from somewhere (it's when people judge someone based on stereotypes or hold them against somone that becomes the problem).
I digress...20 years later after having lived my life as a full lesbian for over a year, I believe I have finally found the self that I am most comfortable in. I feel most comfrotable as well as sexy in men's clothes as well as taking on the "male role" in a romantic relationship. (Honestly I believe that society's ideas of male vs. female and the roles each should play are far too limited, but that's another post entirely).
It was not until my girlfriend actually asked me that question that day about finally feeling more comfortable in my own skin after coming out but she was right. Even though I was raised in the Bay Area, one of the most open and accepting communities in the U.S. homosexuality was still not exposed. Homophobia was not rampant and I was not raised to believe that living a gay lifestyle was wrong, but being gay was not an option for me. The society in which I was raised was so heterocentric there was no question in my mind that I was going to find a man, fall in love, get married, have kids and share the rest of my life with him. There are messages everywhere that reinforce these heterocentric ideas, on greeting cards, in songs and commercials, in movies and magazine advertizements and there are virtually no images in society that suggest that two men or two women can settle down and be just as happy as a man and woman could.
People ask whether or not I could date a man again, and although I have no idea of what my future holds, I think most likely not. I am so happy to be gay because it feels so right for me. After searching throughout the years of my life to find out who I am and now having finally discovered the true me, I have no desire to go back. (Let it be said that I do not hate men). I love who I am, sexuality and all and sure I would prefer to live in a society in which I had equal rights and was not discriminated against, but even still, I could not be happier or more proud to be gay and know that this is the person that I am meant to be.
Mia
