About a month ago I had the privilege to celebrate a birthday with one of my dearest friends. He lives in a duplex with his boyfriend next to his parents and has one older sister, a brother-in-law and two adorable nephews. My friend was a nanny, or a self-proclaimed 'manny', to these boys for the first couple of years of their lives and they have a wonderful relationship with him. Last month they were almost 5 and 3 and a 1/2 years old.
One afternoon my friend was at a rehersal and I was next door visiting his parents when his sister arrived with the boys. We were all waiting for my friend to come home so we could go out to dinner to celebrate his birthday. The boys had been napping and were waking up, still groggy and out of it. All of a sudden one of the boys saw my friend, sat up quickly, got off his mother's lap, ran out the door screaming his name until my friend picked him up in a bear hug. Just as the younger of the two squealed with joy the older brother also jumped off his father's lap and ran outside to great his uncle home.
As they were playing outside, my friend's boyfriend drove down the block, parked his car and started walking towards the apartment. When the boys saw him, they gave him an equally as joyous of a welcome as they did for my friend. He scooped them up one by one and gave each a bear hug as well.
While the boys were wrestling with their uncles, I talked with his sister about what their understanding of my friend's relationship was to his partner. She smiled and replied that they totally understood it. They had explained to their boys that my friend and his boyfriend were in a relationship just like their grandparents and like mommy and daddy, they just weren't married. This was the extent of the conversation.
Since the oldest is approaching kindergarden, his parents have enrolled him in a Catholic school, due to concerns about public schools in the area. Upon arriving at the school for an interview, there were two posters hung on a the wall in the hallway. One of President Obama and the other was of Governor Romney. The principal asked my friend's nephew if he knew who each man was and he replied that he did. He knew that Obama wanted his uncle and his boyfriend to get married but Romney did not so he liked Obama.
The point of this story is that all of the fears of children being exposed to homosexual relationships and the potential outcomes are irrational and come from nothing but discrimination. Every gay person I know, including myself, was raised by heterosexual parents in a completely heterocentric society and they still ended up gay. All of the relationship messages that have been displayed up until recently have been about a man and a woman; song lyrics, bilboard and magazine ads, commercials, movies, greeting cards, the list goes on. Furthermore, I have friends that were raised by homosexual parents that are straight themselves. There is no logic to this argument.
Watching these boys interact with their uncle and his boyfriend was so refreshing for me. The only effects I could see were of acceptace and understanding. The boys responded to their uncles just like they did to their parents and to their grandparents. There was absolutely no difference. I could see that they loved both their uncle as well as his boyfriend and they didn't care that two men were in a relationship. All they cared about was playing with them.
Many people have argued that children are not born with hate, rather that they are taught to hate. Sure there are many pressures coming from society but it is our job as society to "normalize" what is different. If children are taught to fear, hate, and judge anyone who is different, then this is how they will respond to that different person. Children are so much smarter then given credit for. They are like sponges, they soak up any information that is presented to, or around them. Would we rather our children be raised with acceptance or judgement? With love or with hate?
Last month the American Academy of Pediatrics came out in support of marriage equality, saying that children raised by two parents, any two parents in a loving stable relationship, are better off then being raised by a single parent. Gay parents don't turn kids gay, no one turns anyone gay. And even if people were 'turned gay' so what? Does this world really need more discrimination, hate, violence, anger and judgement?
I think we could take a lesson from these youngsters. Children don't judge based on skin color, religion, or sexual orientation. Kids judge based on how they are treated. Plain and simple. I hear many adults reminisce about how much simpler the good old days were when we were young and carefree and I admit that I often feel this way too.
Sure when we were children we didn't have stressful responsibilities including bills and jobs per se; but, maybe life was easier because we didn't care so much? Life was simpler because we were simpler. We focused on having fun and on activities and people that made us happy. We weren't consumed with judgements and anger that ate us alive, festering and making us cynical. We did what made us happy. We played. We explored. We imagined.
Many feel that once childhood innocence is gone, it is gone for good. Unfortunately there are many traumatic life events that occur on a daily basis to people that change them. People become so filled of anger, hate and fear, they no longer know how to exist in a world of trust and love. Some people feel so much they take it out on others which perpetuates this cycle and passes it onto the next victim.
Breaking cycles is quite difficult and many cannot accomplish this. We all have our own cycles to break, some of us aren't even aware they exist. Rather than trying to mend what was broke, let's try to build upon what has been built prior. Instead of picking up pieces and trying to clean up, let's stregthen and foster what is already there.
Too many kids have already been broken by society. Too many adults are still trying to pick up their pieces. The older one gets with broken pieces, the more difficult it is to repair. By teaching our children to love and accept from an early age keeps them whole. Teaching kids to hate and judge mostly affects them negatively. Hate and anger eat away at a person, forming cracks within his or her foundation. Hate and anger does not make a person strong, it makes him or her weak. Showing love is more difficult than showing hate and if we teach our children at a younger age then showing love will become more natural to them, a skill they will be able to take with them throughout the rest of their lives.
Coming out for my friend was not easy. In fact his life has not been easy. He has faced many different struggles aside from coming out and has overcome many obstacles in his life. Despite what he has been through, my friend is the epitomy of love. He treats everyone with kindness and shows love to everyone in his life. Even though he faced many difficult times, he has not allowed himself to use these as an excuse to be angry with the world. Instead to displacing his hurt and anger, he deals with it and responds with compassion and love. My friend is a model example of how someone has turned his life around in a very positive way.
Not only has my friend turned his life around, he is helping turn other lives around as well. He is always of service to his community and reminds people, myself definitely included, to live with love and compassion. Although my friend is technically an adult, he is one of the most playful individuals I know. He displays childlike energy and innocence even though he is in his early 30s. Life continues to throw him curveballs and some days are harder than others, but he works hard to remember to live with that love.
His nephews are not the only people that have benefitted from the lessons and experience he has to offer. I know I have. This man to this day is one of the most influential people I know and I am so thankful for him being a part of my life. Since coming out I have found myself becoming more angry due to the discrimination I have experienced. Infuriating as this may be, discrimination does not give me the justification to take my anger out on the world. My dear friend constantly reminds me to return to my happy place and to respond with love and kindness. Even if I can't change the world, I can change me. And if I can change the world, I want to do so with love. I want love to be a domino effect. I want it to ripple outward.
Watching my friend with his nephews gives me hope. They say that the children are our future. If we can teach our children to love and to accept from the beginning, well then maybe our future won't be so broken anymore.
Mia
