So we initially met on Grinder and I saw his profile and he just made me think he was a Mexican Guido, so I didn't really pay attention to him. Then he messaged me asking me if we could meet up for lunch or dinner or whatever. And I was like "eh, he doesn't look like a serial killer or anything so why not?!"


The next day he calls me up, he's all like, "Just to let you know this isn't a date. This is just two people meeting up for lunch or dinner and we'll each be paying for ourselves. I'll be at Qdoba at 6:30." I remember vaguely telling him I'd be a little late and he told me, "Well if you're there or not, I'm just gonna get my meal. If I don't see you there, I don't see you there."


So me being the bitch I am. I decided to get in the shower and was like, "fuck it, I'm gonna take my sweet-ass time then!" And then I got dressed and made sure I looked cute enough. I show up at Qdoba, walk inside and he wasn't fucking there. So I was starting to panic a little bit and I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't have taken my time because he wasn't there. I turned to leave and he walked in.


It was really cold at first and he didn't really respond, didn't make eye contact and it was very awkward feeling. So we sat down and we were eating and I don't remember what we were talking about but we seemed to click. I do remember that I cracked a joke about one of the bus boys and it was comical. What was comical was that the bus boy took out this big ole trash can and it splattered all over the floor. We just kind of laughed and joked about it.


Then he was talking about the movies he liked and it turns out we had similar interests. He brought up the whole idea of having sex and being tested and my status and I told him I was negative and that my last partner was and that it wasn't really something that I was concerned about.


After dinner he asked me to get some alcohol with him at the liquor store next door. So we both go to the store and we're looking at the alcohol and I told him I wasn't going to buy anything because I didn't have my ID on me and he's looking around and he realizes he doesn't have his ID either. We were both completely embarrassed and he was like "well I have my ID on my phone, do you think that will work?" I said no.

So we just left. I remember going home and we exchanged some pictures and then we set up another date to hang out at my house to watch a movie. (Something that was intended to be completely innocent but ended up being not-so-innocent...) It started off with just some cuddling and it was still very awkward between us-there was a lot of uncertainty. Typically I won't ask if I can kiss someone but I asked if I could kiss him and he just started laughing at me. He made some condescending comment and said that it was fine and I could kiss him. So we kissed and it was very enjoyable and things got very fun.

The next day after we had messed around he was in a nervous panic. He kept asking if there was anything he needed to worry about and he went and got tested. So I saw the urgency and went and got tested and made sure to get an expensive test. But the results of this test took 2 weeks to get back. Within the first week when we were hanging out we would start kissing and it would get all hot and heavy and I could tell it was killing him because he wanted it to go further but he wouldn't let it happen. So after about a week of waiting he offered to pay for a quicker test for me. I agreed and picked him up from school and then we went to the clinic which ended up being a funny story.

While Justin was putting money in the meter, I was talking with the doctor and she began asking me all the routine questions. I told her I had no reason to be worried and she asked me why then all the urgency. I told her I was dating Justin and then she laughed and said "oh."

Justin comes back into the clinic and we're in the meeting room together and I'm laughing with the doctor, joking back and forth about the studies that have been done and Justin has obvious panic on his face and he just starts to explain his worry with previous incidents he's had. The doctor told us there was no reason for me to be tested since I had another test in the works but I looked at her and said, "no no no, we need to do this!" She had brought up building trust and I replied, "that's all good and well, but right now this is what we need to do and we'll work on trust later." She could see how panicked Justin was and agreed to give me the test.

The test came back obviously negative and Justin and I met up later after his final and he expressed how grateful he was that I would do that for him. A couple of days after that we agreed that we were going to be exclusive with one another since we were both negative and then about three days later he gives me this whole schpeel about how this was his first serious gay relationship and he still had feelings for women and asking me if we should not be together. I told him, "quit being an idiot because we're not getting married. It is the beginning of our relationship and we're still trying to figure things out."

About a week later we decided to combine two of our "wants" together. He wanted to get drunk together and I wanted to take the LightRail. He took me to this old restaurant that his family went to when he was a kid. They took him there all the time-it was a very special place for him. He bought me a couple of drinks and didn't really hesitate about giving me anything. He was very sweet and made it all about me.

After that we went and hit up some more bars and got more drinks along the road to get to the LightRail, and then we got to Union Station and there was no one there and he stops me and we start making out. Ridiculous! We're just hand in hand walking around this huge-ass fence trying to get to the LightRail and when we finally got there, we took it back. I had my feet up next to him and he would try to tickle them. We got home, watched a couple of movies and did our typical make-out-thing.

And then right before I was getting ready to take him home, he starts up the conversation about his feelings and his struggles. He basically made a comment that this wasn't a real relationship and he asked me if I thought it was and I told him, "yes. I whole-heartedly do." I dropped him off at home and I was okay, but really sad. We had decided to hang out again the next day and he called me up the next morning as soon as he woke up and said, "oh my god Chase forget everything I said! I was completely drunk!" So I didn't really know what that meant and when I went to pick him up for the movie, I didn't greet him with the usual kiss. We drove about a block away from his house and he asked me, "why didn't I get my kiss?!" I told him, "I didn't think you wanted to be kissed by me still" and he said, "no I still do. It's just really complicated for me right now." I said, "I know, but be chill, it will be fine." We got to Dave N Buster's and he bought my dinner and my drinks, and anything I wanted. Then he went and paid for the expensive IMAX 3D movie tickets for Tron.

After that night we were really back on track and a little bit more in tune with one another. Over the next couple of weeks he started divulging more information to me-issues he's had with his family and his past experiences and he also started letting me know more of his feelings. He started trusting me more and there weren't a lot of issues between us.

Recently his sister had a baby and it was discovered that the baby daddy was cheating on her the whole time, which brought up a lot of trust issues for Justin and he wanted to be reassured that I would never cheat on him. I told him, "there's not much I can really say to make you trust me. You need to build that trust from within by the actions I've shown you." He accepted this as an answer and then I suggested buying roses for his sister because she was going through such a shitty time. He tells me, "hell no! That bitch doesn't need no flowers! You haven't even gotten me flowers!"

I tossed this idea around in my head and I had gotten out of class, it was around 9 o'clock one night. While I was buying cough drops I saw some roses there, relatively cheap, but nice looking roses. I got him a card too, telling him how much I felt about him and our relationship. When I left the store, I called him and asked him if he was home. He was, so I told him I was going to come over. He got very confused and wanted to know why, so I told him that I just needed to talk to him about something, knowing full well that this would torture him. He proceeded to call me, but I ignored the phone call and then he sent me a text message asking if he would "be upset about this?" I replied, "I don't know." So I got another text demanding, "call me right now!" And of course, I ignored that message too.

I pull up to his house and I call him but it immediately goes to his voicemail, but I can see his big ole head sitting in the window. I texted him and tell him to "come out and talk to me." He comes out all solemn, looks down, looks at me innocently and I hand him the card and say, "this should explain everything, but just in case it doesn't..." and I reached behind me and grabbed the roses that were hidden there and said, "...this should explain the rest of it." His face lit up! And I said, "let's go drive for a bit." He gave me a little bit of shit for working him up like I had and he told me that that was the first time he had ever been given flowers before.

A few days later I got super sick and he didn't hesitate to take me to Urgent Care. He sat there for 2 hours while I had an IV in my hand, coughing up a storm. This act of caring and patience exemplifies what a sweet guy he is. Along with taking care of me of my death bed, he is so thoughtful in general and will send me random text messages saying, "thinking of you" or "xoxo" throughout the day.

Relationships aren't easy, they take a lot of work. They are always going to be a lot of work and that's why you have to be in the right mindset and maturity level. You don't have to settle in a relationship, but there is a way to compromise and learn to get to know each other. Don't give up when the road gets rough because who knows what you maybe missng out on.

Chase

Well my story starts out like any other young, gay boy's story, at the beginning. I knew I was gay since I was about 13 or so, or whenever I started puberty, but I didn't really know what to do about it. At that time I was in Boy Scouts, going through confirmation at church, and just being a kid. Except there was something just a little different, obviously instead of liking girls like all the other guys, I was keen to boys. And having a twin brother made things a little complicated. Oh yeah, I didn't tell you, I have an identical twin brother who is straight. I looked up to my brother and did everything he did, so when it came to dating, I guess I just followed suit. My brother dated girls so I did. I never really planned on dating girls as long as I did; but, after turning 24 and breaking too many girl's hearts, I finally came out.

I said "finally came out" like it was no big thing and I guess it wasn't. I had written it on paper and went through the scenarios in my mind countless times. So I told my brother and the best way I could do it was write it on paper like I had done so many times before. And between the HAPPY crying, hugging, the "I always knew", and the "I'm so happy for you" sincere but cliche comments, I immediately felt like a new person.

But really, I didn't know where to go from there. So my ready and willing brother took the reins and told my mother, who in turn told my father. Let me just tell you that when my mother called the next day, my heart dropped. I didn't know what to expect. But in hindsight, I always knew she knew, and loved me just the same. As for my dad, well our relationship hasn't changed one bit. He still insists on watching football with me and he is always looking out for my best interests, and is so proud "to have sons like my brother and I." I couldn't love them more.

After the initial "outing" to my family it spread like wildfire to my friends, coworkers, extended family, and with the help of facebook, to the world. I had never had a relationship with a guy and had only a few gay friends so I was experiencing uncharted waters to say the least. It was like learning to ride a bike backwards. I had dated girls in the past so I figured that daing guys was the same in a way, right? Oh crap was I wrong. The "gay" scene was something else. The transition took a few weeks, but it felt right. I went out to the clubs, gay bars, and even had a profile on some dating websites. I put myself out there and got a really good response. I went out on a few dates and met some guys at the clubs and bars, but no Mr. Right, until one night.

I just got off of work and had one of "those days", so I went to the bar by my house for a relaxing beer and really just to cool off. The bar tender I recognized because he was hot, but we had never met so I just ordered a beer and thumbed through a Westward magazine. The manager of the bar, whom I knew well, started talking to me and asked if I knew Matt. I didn't so he introduced us. After a couple of beers and a great conversation he asked "what are you doing later?" He was getting off of work soon and wondered if I would like to hang out. In my head I was like, "duh yeah!" I was in love from the start. He was smart, interesting and hot. From that day forward we were inseperable-everything we did was new and exciting.

Matt and I are still together today and it has almost been a year now and we still love each other more than ever. Yeah, we have had our ups and downs, but who hasn't? We are both going to school together, living together and I would not have it any other way. It was easy to fall in love with him because he makes me feel good and is a gentleman, which has taken some getting used to.

That's my story. I know love and good relationships are few and far between but they happen when you least expect it. I know that's what they always say, but in my case, it was true. Just be patient and someday you may find yourself falling for someone and it is a truly great thing.

Anonymous

I went to college in Olympia Washington and lived on campus in an apartment-style dorm, so there was six people in our apartment. Lydia, this girl, she wasn't there the first quarter. She came in January when one of our other roommates had moved out, and we just kind of immediately clicked and became friends. She was from Seattle and was still in a relationship with a guy that she had been with for four years and during those first few months of her being in Olympia she was deciding that she was wanting to break up with him.



The school that we went to, and Olympia in general, had a lot of weirdos and queers and hippies and she was a cheerleader in high school and came from a very straight laced envrionment. She was going through this big personal transformation, breaking up with her boyfriend of four years and finding herself in a new environment. I was going through a less dramatic transformation, but a transformation nontheless--shaving my head, smoking too much weed and revolutionizing my thinking.



We had this friendship going and she was breaking up with her boyfriend, it just organically evolved into a romantic relationship. I don't really know, it felt magical and easy because it had happened so organically. It felt freeing because I had never felt as comfortable with myself as I did with her, I was learning how to be whatever I was and let our relationship be whatever it was. I think the fact that we had such a strong friendship and started out living in the same apartment made it so easy. We spent so much time together, just hanging out, cooking, baking, talking...



At the end of the school year, in June, we moved into separate places, still in Olympia, and our relationship became more difficult. We would argue more over little things. I missed the ease of our friends-turned-lovers relationship and began to wonder what had happened to the magic of it. She said she wanted to be in an open relationship. I tried to be cool with that, and thought I was. She started seeing someone else, a guy, pretty seriously, and it got too hard for me.



We tripped mushrooms one night and talked for a long time and came to the conclusion that we couldn't be romantic anymore but that we still wanted to be friends. We were both still in the midst of personal transformation, and we needed to change and grow in different ways. We did stay friends. We took our space and kept in touch and we still do a little bit (she has a baby now!)



I don't look at our relationship as a negative thing at all. I got a lot out of it and remember the lessons I learned. It was a very freeing relationship for me and I'm very thankful for that. I have no hard feelings. We were young, it was great, it was an important relationship in my life and then we moved on. I still think she's great and we don't talk a lot, but we still facebook every once in awhile.



We both grew up in suburbia with the image of who we were supposed to be and who we were supposed to be in relationships with and how we were supposed to look, and at that time we were both learning, and we learned together, that that was bullshit. I had always been very self-conscious and had body-image issues and we would have "naked cake time". We would just hang out and eat cake. Naked. And this was the first time where I was like "this is awesome! I can just be!" Both this relationship and she helped me become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, begin to find the parts of myself buried underneath what I thought should be, and accepted that I didn't need to fit into society's image.



Kaite

This is a little poem about the first time you notice someone from across the bar, someone who catches your eye and won't let go. It's about dedication and courage and new love and passion and perseverance. For me, it captures the way your blood rushes through your body upon first seeing that individual, the way you feel alive for the first time in years.

I told this woman, during one of our thousands of text messages (before we intentionally met for the first time), that I can't stop thinking about her. She told me she would always be somewhere between the moon and where I am. I told her to keep that in mind, and whenever she feels lonely, she could look to the sky and never be alone. She texted me early the next morning and said light had been shining through her blinds all night and explained how she had laid awake staring at it, longing for a touch of mine she had yet to even experience.


I don't know how to tell you
That I have seen you here before

We live in a world surrounded by spiky hair
But even pink tips stand out around these places

I don't know how to tell you that I knew right away
You were someone I could spend some time with
Because when we re-meet face to face
I know I can honor your eye contact
(A gift reserved for few)
And whatever else you'll let me

You asked me why you're special
And I told you, without hesitation,
That you feel safe.
And not in the way banks are safe
And police officers are safe
And keys keep things safe

But in the way a newborn feels safe in her mother's arms
Because she is too new in this world to know any different

Some say ignorance is bliss and I tend to agree,
But we both believe that people are filled with contradictions
And me feeling safe with a stranger makes me feel blissful, for now

Please allow me this ignorance

I will let you obstruct my mind
If you promise to do it gently
And I will let you
Yearn for me
Because I have learned so quickly how to make you smile

And I will be the light shining through your window
Long after you closed the blinds

Kelsey

I have always been independent. I suppose it stems from being the middle child in a family of seven. Brought up in a home where Jesus is ever present, with an abusive father and a mother who is a perpetual victim. Due to these factors I was too naive to believe that a seemingly insignificant event as my coming out would have far reaching consequences. For some this will be a story of my embittered outlook. For others it will be a march towards something powerful and beautiful. For me it was both, a sad tale of whining and a beacon of hope.



I suppose my journey begins on New Year's 2006. I had made a long standing decision to come out to my parents. I had started college, and I began the arduous process of being honest with others. I had met a boy that I thought I liked and felt it was a duty to me and my parents that I must tell them the truth. Hopefully, this would repair my relationship with them, a relationship strained by a bitter divorce. So I told my dad. He told me it would take time for him to get used to it. My stepmom praised me for being honest and for my courage. I learned some years later that these words of care and love were nothing more than a mask of their true feelings. They could not truly accept me or my lifestyle.



Coming out to my mother was a journy in its own right. I drove the thousand miles to Texas where she lived. Jesus was not only fully present in her home; he could be found everywhere, from the grocery store to the drive thru. I was so nervous I didn't know whether to run or vomit. At the end of my trip I had told my mother. That night lives infamously within me. I relayed to my mother that I was queer and that there was a boy I was interested in. Her response to me was expected. As always she turned to God and the Bible. She reminded me that being gay was a sin, and I knew right from wrong. I left the next morning, with a broken heart. A week later I got an email from her telling me I was going to hell, and that she worried for my soul. That was hard for me to get over. It is the root of my anger. I would often ask myself, "How can a mother hate her child?" In my mother's defense, she does love me, but I wish she could accept me.



Both of my parents' relationship with God has left me with nothing more than an unadultered anger; an anger that I hold onto firmly, with both hands.



I look back and see that the boy that had led me to come out to my parents was a terrible choice. In fact, my choice in men leaves something to be desired. When I pursue Gay men, I draw myself to men that are shallow, unreliable, and flakey. My immaturity leads me to place all my cards on the table, and then get extremely hurt when I am rejected. So I turned my attention to having "crushes" on straight men. I find that when I like a straight guy, then the expectation to ask him out vanishes. I am not required to put myself out there. I am protected from rejection and relieved of my innevitable duty to date him. This choice has been a blessing and a curse. I have been given the opportunity to look closely at myself, and find myself in many ways. But alas, I am lonely.



The joy of my story had been my incurable optimism and my indomitable sense of humor. I lost my virginity to a man on Craigslist. Can you imagine? I only wanted to lose my virginity before I turned 21. Then about a year later, while I was dressed in drag, a man followed me home from the bar. He asked me if I was as pretty as a man as I was as a woman. So I asked him up to find out. I realize now that my extremely low self-esteem has led me into some dangerous situations. I tell these stories with my friends and we laugh. But I count my blessings that I was not hurt. I am grateful that the reprecussions of my decisions did not have long lasting consequences. I thank God that he or she was watching me and protecting me.



But there was a man that did come along. His name was Tony, we met where I worked. He was everything I thought I wanted. And to this day when I meet someone they will have many of his qualities. He was funny and handsome. His caring soul and nature made me swoon. He was a man who wanted to take care of the person he was with. He would call me and ask how my day went. When it went poorly he would plan a fun surprise to cheer me up. My feelings for him were deepening, and he fit very well into much of my life. But my nature sent me running. I wasn't strong enough to stay with him. I hope he finds someone far better than I, he deserves it.



After my bolt, I found something, I found within myself the strength I had been lacking. I found the piece of me that I thought was missing but was really shrouded by my self-doubt. I found that years under my parents' oppression had scarred me. My father's abuse had left me fearful of becoming an abuser. He told me once, that I was so starved for love that I would end up more like my mother. My fear changed, I was no longer afraid of being an abuser, but the abused.



I also recognized that years of being taunted in school had made me afraid to advocate for myself. I had spent years trying to help my mother by never making waves, by always following the rules, and working hard to never make her life harder than my brother and father had done. The outcome of these things left me a desire to be selfish. I had traded my youth to be an adult for my mother. Now I wanted it back. The biggest thing I realize was that life in solitude was no life at all. That a life trying to please others was not making me happy, it had almost cost me my life. All the anger and sadness that I hid from the world, made me attempt suicide. So now I would tell the world who I was, and share the most intimate forms of my soul.



Through all of this I found the one thing I was craving. Love. I had worked so hard to find a friend, who would become my boyfriend, who would become my husband. But what I found instead is far more fulfilling. I have found a family, a family that is not bound by blood, but by love and acceptance. I found the people that care for me no matter what. They see my faults and cherrish them. They see my dreams and encourage them. They see my sadness and they comfort me. They see my hope and revel in it. They have accepted me into their lives and though I am at times annoying, hurtful, and selfish, they remember the man I have become, and they love him.



My friends have been my true inspiration. One asked me to be in her wedding though I only knew her for a few months. They have torn down my internal fear of men, both homosexual and heterosexual. My straight guy friends shower me with hugs and kisses, and many times in front of others. With this love they removed my fears to show my feelings and be open with others. My other friends have spent their time being loud and embarrassing right alongside me. They have shown me that I can wait for the right man. They have given me the template of who I should be with, because they have shown me who I am. They have encouraged me to stop taking steps to better my life, but rather approach my future in leaps. Because of them I have found support. Because of them I realized that I have a family that will stand by me. Thanks to them, I can finally start to forgive those who hurt me.



Through my journey of coming out to today I have never been in a serious relationship with another man. There is only one man who I ever dated and a short line of two one night stands. I wish that I could blame these numbers solely on my unaccepting parents. However I have come to realize there is more to my hesitations than just that. Through my journey, I was not a slave to my life, but the master of it. In that revelation I can take comfort. In that revelation I place all my faith and trust. In my revelation I am able to being letting go of my anger and hatred, and working toward love, for myself...and others.

Thomas

Hello. My name is Mia and I'm a love addict. Or so my best friend has often told me. He even went as far to endearingly dedicate Ke$ha's "your love is my drug" song as my theme song. Although it pains me to admit, he is right. I am a love addict, or as close to one as a person can come.



I realize that I have perpetuated many of the stereotypes that are associated with lesbians such as codependency and falling into that infamous black hole relationship abyss. Looking back over the years I now realize that I have settled numerous times in unhealthy relationships and convinced myself of the multiple excuses as to why my entering and staying in a relationship (even when I shouldn't) have been justified.


I have had the privilege of dating amazing people but have also made the mistake of dating not-so-great individuals. At the end of the day however, this story is about me, and me alone. As much as I would like to point fingers and blame my failed relationships on my ex-partners, my same friend has always encouraged me to "clean my side of the street". So here I go...


One of my main struggles in life is that I have the tendency to victimize. Blessed with a rather large ego (as is the common plight of the leo) I have often focused my pain, anger, sorrow and resentments on the actions of other people because I have not had the strength to turn the microscope on myself and focus on my own actions.


At the ripe old age of 26, I have come to a place in my life where I have embraced that now is the time. Now is the time to get to know myself better-my strengths, my weaknesses, my desires, and worst of all, my fears.


Writing this post in itself is difficult for me because I am admitting to and revealing an area of myself in which I struggle the most. My greatest fear is to end up alone, depressed and miserable; and, as a result, I have allowed myself to enter relationship, after relationship, after relationship in order to avoid coming too close to make that fear a reality. Irrational yes, because I have only lived a small portion of my life, but this fear has driven me to make certain decisions that have lead to very certain patterns of behavior.


Sure, I could blame society and all of it's pressures to "find your partner and settle down to live happily ever after". Or, I could even blame my tendancy to make excuses like "I've never connected to another person the way that I have connected to her". Placing blame is in itself another avoidance technique, because I am not dealing with the true issue at heart.


Yes. I do want to find my "happily ever after" with a woman and I hope that I will. I have absolutely no regrets of the choices I have made in my past because they have all contributed to who I am today and trust me, I am learning (or trying to at least). I have had both great joys and great heartbreaks in my past and I am extremely thankful for both.


I realize now, looking back on all of my attempts at making relationships work, as much as I want to think I am great at love (simply because I'm a hopeless romantic and believe in it so whole-heartedly), I still have a lot to learn. I am not being hard on myself. Rather, I am being honest. I know now I must love myself more than I currently do before I can hope to find my "fairytale" ending. As cliche as it may sound, no one can love me in the way I hope until I learn to love myself better first.


If I can pass one thing on from my story it is this: love yourself. No matter who you are, you possess great strengths, unique qualities and wonderful talents. This maybe especially challenging to remember for those of us who face constant discrimination and hate simply for being who we are. Don't repeat my mistake of receiving your validation from other people and finding your importance in life from a relationship. I am not arguing that relationships aren't important, but I am trying to convey the importance of YOU! I have (over and over again) forgotten about my own importance in the relationships I have entered and that has been more detrimental to me than the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced.


As my best friend told me, you are complete just the way you are. A partner is a gift that you may experience for a day, a month, a year or a lifetime. This gift does not complete you, for you were already complete before you received it.

Mia

This is the story of how I met, loved, and lost the most amazing woman in the world.

Meeting her for the first time is still burned in my memory like a prominent scar. I remember the way she smelled, the way her hair fell perfectly from her high ponytail, and the way her eyes just seemed to look completely through me. It was from that moment that I knew she was going to change my life.

We started as best friends, and being together just became routine. There wasn't a day we didn't see each other, even if it was just for a few minutes. As I got to know her it became obvious that she was more than an amazing person; she was an angel. I fell for her, and I fell hard.

The problem with this fairytale is that she didn't reciprocate my feelings, or, she didn't know how. She knew I was gay, but we never spoke about the attraction that we both obviously felt. It was only in privacy that she would let me hold her, touch her, and show the inevitable affection I wanted to give her

Years passed, and our attraction only grew. We became passionate and severely in need of each other. Yet, she would still not admit to herself or anyone else of her sexuality. Yes it hurt that I could never tell the world how much I loved this woman, but I also loved her too much to push her.

I started to realize that it was getting too hard to keep my feelings to myself, so I created an elaborate plan. Back then, I played guitar for shows about once a week, and she was always up front and center. One night, for my last song, I looked out into the crowd and my eyes locked with hers.

I said, "This, this one, is for my heart."

I played her song I had secretly written, expressing how much she meant to me. I never said her name, or even used female pronouns. But she knew, she always knew.

The next day she told me she was leaving. She was moving away from me, from us, from everything she was afraid of. Listening to her say this to me, made my heart drop into my stomach.

I thought, "How could she do this? How could I lose the only thing I've ever cared for?"

My heart was leaving.

And she did, she left without even a glance. I was a complete wreck for months. I stopped singing, writing, working. I felt like I was already dead. Even though this woman was never "mine", I felt like I had lost my wife to some foreign world that would never give her back.

To this day, I still haven't heard from her. I have no idea where she is. Though the pain has subsided, I think of her frequently. But not to loathe or ask why, but to remember how grateful I am for her. She gave me some of the best years of my life. She let me understand what it meant to care for something more than myself. I can only hope that she has found her own happiness, whether it is with a man or a woman. The best advice I can give to those who have lost love, don't forget your past. You must have something to build your future on.

Hayley

Soooo I never really ever thought it would be possible to be in love with another woman. I, as well as everyone in my whole life expected me to be married to a wonderful man by now and have 3.5 children and a white picket fence. But it didn't turn out that way, and I was okay with that. Although I occasionally suffered from the lonely day complete with whimpering, freakishly large containers of ice cream and endless marathons of movies with ridiculously happy endings, I was content with my life and the people that filled it.



Then one day I met someone who in every aspect managed to take my breath away. All I can relate it to is a freight train going a thousand miles racing down a track. Nothing I could have done would have stopped it from happening. Our friendship quickly turned into a love that neither of us expected or was prepared to deal with. She also happened to be a woman. Our love was passionate, exciting, and intense, but never easy.




I can count on one hand the people in my life who I confided in about the occasional attraction I felt towards women (which was still something I hadn't even fully admitted to myself). She however was a slightly less famous Ellen DeGeneres. Needless to say this made our relationship difficult for both of us. I wanted nothing more than to tell everyone I knew how happy she made me and how much I loved her. But it's not easy to bring a girl home to dinner and just announce that she's my girlfriend.




Nevertheless, we did everything we could to "work" out as a couple. We existed in a world of "ifs"; like, "if you came out to your family..." or "if you do this..." or "if you are willing to work on this..." or "if we weren't so different, then we would be together forever." As hard as being together was, our connection and undeniable chemistry made it impossible for either one of us to ever walk away. And believe me we tried!



From day one it seemed that everywhere we went, people commented on how our faces lit up when we saw each other. Or how cute we were as a couple. Or how it was about time we were together.



Eventually we broke up for a myriad of reasons, but we were still never not together. I even managed to let both my parents in on our relationship which was difficult and a relief all at the same time.



And then, she moved away (dun dun dun). The last month of her being in the same state we shared some of our best moments because we were focused solely on spending time together instead of constantly trying to figure out what we "were".



But of course, all good things come to an end. The day she flew away I spent a good 20 minutes bawling on my bathroom floor because I couldn't imagine my life without her in it.



As sad as all that sounds, to me this isn't an unhappy story. This is simply because as difficult and painful as it was and is (thanks to the technology of cell phones), I am not the same person I was before I met her, and I still love her as much as I ever have. I've been able to acknowledge and express the parts of me that I tried for a long time to pretend didn't exist. It's a work in progress but I now have confidence to say that I don't know if my "wonderful man" will turn out to be my wonderful woman. I have a new appreciation and admiration for the struggles that same-sex couples face and all while knowing that it is entirely worth it. Even though I have no idea what the future holds for me or for her or for "us", I know what we shared will always be a part of me, and there are many times when a memory or thought of her still manages to take my breath away.

Anonymous