I had undergone a minor surgery that had left me in major pain. The surgery was done in my mouth, which left talking difficult, breathing uncomfortable and eating near impossible. My girlfriend at the time requested two shifts off in order to be with me the night before, (these procedures seem to make me quite anxious), then to take me the morning of, and spend the rest of the day with me.

The pain is nothing like I have ever felt in my life and she was there to make me laugh, rub my back when I cried, make delcious smoothies for me to drink and comfort me when I was feeling anxious. Without asking she completed my grocery shopping and even thought to buy my favorite lavander bubble bath. She drew me a bath that first night and helped me shower since I was high on percocet.

She had to work and go to class the next couple of days but after her shifts and classes she came right over to my house to continue to take care of me (she happened to live an hour a half away from me) so I wouldn't have to be alone at night. After five days of commuting and being my bedside nurse, she surprised me by coming up one night when I wasn't expecting her just to make sure that I was doing alright.

About a month after my surgery our relationship ended in one big hot mess. To this day we do not talk and have gone our separate ways, but I am still very thankful for how well this woman took care of me during a difficult and scary moment in my life.

Anonymous

Despite what myself and many people seem to think, people can change. This post is about my grandfather and what a truly amazing man he is.

My grandfather was born and raised in The Great Depression era and to this day he still eats every last bite of food on his plate. He wanted to serve in the army during World War II, but a heart defect prevented his tour overseas. A man built of American pride and honor, he is steeped in tradition, which although may be admirable on some level, there is another side as well.

My whole life I have always heard the rationalizations of, "oh it was just a different time" or "back in those days we never talked about anything", and be this as it may, I do not consider these justifications appropriate to condone closed minded thinking that seems to have been so normal during this time period and which still continues today.

Although my grandfather has never been overtly racist or homophobic, he certainly had his beliefs and opinions. He did not support biracial marriage until two of the best cousins/grandchildren a family could have who were both adopted and happened to be the product of interracial relationships, this prejudice was softened in him.

Along these same lines, my grandfather did not support homosexual lifestyles. A cousin of mine came out 30 years ago and I am told that my grandfather gave him the 'cold shoulder' after he came out. Backstory: my grandfather has always been a very sensitive man, despite his many prejudices, and has been known to cry on many occasions. To further his sentiment, about 8 years ago, my grandfather sustained a heart "event" as he calls it, so severe that he actually flat lined and was proclaimed dead. Well 8 years later he is still fighting, despite two knee replacements, a minor stroke and a major hernia.

After this heart event, my sister and I always remark on how much more sensitive Papa had become. Surprising us with random phone calls simply to tell us he loved us for no special reason or occasion. Even though Papa has always been a sensitive man, he never had children of his own and he is technically my step-grandfather, he has always loved his grandchildren so severly that I have always considered him to be biological family.

Two years ago now, I realized I was gay and came out to my family. I have never been shy or ashamed of who I am but there was great discussion as to whether or not I should come out to Papa. The general consensus among my immediate family was that Papa is old and that I shouldn't tell him for my own sake. That I wouldn't want to alienate myself from him during his last years.

Being the firey, pugnacious individual that I am prone to be, I first interpreted this as being cowardly. I didn't want to lie about or hide who I am and I wanted to be able to be open about my life, all of my life. Once I calmed down and thought about the logistics of this however, I came to agree with my family. My romantic life was never really a topic of conversation shared with Papa anyway and my coming out to him was not in fact a priority.

Backstory part 2: My grandparents have always had a summer cabin that we as a family have traditionally visited each summer (I took my first steps in this exact cabin). As my grandparents have aged they have decided to sell the cabin because no one else in our family would use it as much so last year we had a mini family reunion to celebrate our memories of the times spent in the woods. My cousin, the one who had come out 30 years ago, attended this reunion and was able to interact with my grandfather. Apparently after this long weekend, my grandfather called my cousin and apologized for treating him the way he had and told him he was thankful for their time together because he realized what a wonderful man he is.

My family saw this incident as an opportunity to welcome Papa into my situation as well. This past summer my parents visited the cabin and my mom told me that she and my father had been considering telling my grandparents about my sexuality. They thought that it might be easier for Papa to digest if I wasn't there and so I decided to give my parents the green light to out me.

The day I knew my parents were returning to town, I missed a phone call from my grandfather while I was at work. He left me a message and asked me to call him when I had a chance. On my way home from work I called Papa and he told me that he had had a wonderful weekend with my parents. More specifically however he wanted to tell me that he loved me and supported me and was proud of me. He continued on to say that he realized that love is love and that is what is most important-that it doesn't matter who you love but that you love and are loved. Through tears, he then apologized for taking 84 years to come to this realization and for acting so cold and closed minded throughout his life and I reassured him that what mattered was that he was able to open his mind and at 84, that is a pretty amazing thing.

We cried together and I thanked him for his support and he reminded me that that was it-he supported me and my life. Honestly I was very shocked to receive such an immediatley warm response to my revelation, but knowing Papa's kind heart despite all of his many prejudices, I'm not too shocked that he was able to come around. I called my sister and mom and we all cried together on the phone and I promptly sent a 'thank-you' card to my grandparents thanking them for their love and support.

I realize that unfortunatley not all people who have been or are closed off to homosexual lifestyles eventually open their hearts and minds, but people can and do change. My 84 year old grandfather is a testament to this. Many people say that it just takes knowing one LGTBQ person to change the mind of someone and I know this to be true from my experience. Love is a powerful thing and does in fact have the power to open even the most closed off of hearts.

Mia

It all started in Rehab. I was a very confused young lady, about everything, about life. I started going to a few meetings, and as I was going to these meetings and getting clean I was coming to terms with who I was and who I am and who I wanted to be.

So, there was this girl that was very quiet and very...mysterious. She was somebody I wanted to get to know. At this point, I thought I was completely straight and never thought about women. I started hanging out with her and we had so much in common. She was straight as well, or so she thought. We would listen to music and she would teach me all of the "rave" dance moves. We were 15 and it was awesome. We were getting sober together.

We talked about sexuality. I told her I thought about being with women. I thought they were beautiful and she agreed and we both agreed we had thoughts and tendencies. I remember this one night we were at an open meeting, a family meeting so everyone was there. We saunteered off to the courtyard (we were so cool) and I don't quite remember what we were talking about, but I do remember that her back was to the shed and I was just looking at her and she was looking at me, all of a sudden I had this overwhelming feeling that I wanted to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad. Then she ran up to me and gave me the biggest fucking kiss of my life!

It was just that from there. She had a boyfriend at the time, she left him (thank God). We decided to be together. That lasted a good 4 days...but all in all I finally came to terms with the fact that I was gay.

There was a part of me that was missing and I wasn't sure what and then as soon as I found out, I was ecstatic. I felt free and that all doors were open.

I wanted to come out to my parents but that was scary. I was nervous because I didn't know how they'd feel about it. I didn't know if they'd disown me-all of these fucking thoughts were flying through my head. So I discussed some things with my drug counselor who happened to be bisexual, which was awesome. She just told me to take the plunge.

I started with my dad because he seemed to be more forgiving. I remember it being in the car where we always used to have weird conversations, like our first sex talk. I remember being like, "Dad, I have something to tell you," and he just gave me a look. I told him "I don't know how you're going to take it," (looking back on it he probably thought I was pregnant), I said, "Dad I know I like women." He said, "Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" and basically the whole conversation came down to "I love you and accept you no matter what!"

My mom was another story however. My mom just rolled her eyes and told me it was a phase but you know what mom?! It's still a phase six years later haha and to this day she still thinks it's a phase and I'll marry a man and have little babies.

By the time I turned 18 I worked at Tracks nightclub and that's when all the lesbians exploded in my life. I can't even imagine where I'd be without this community because all the women are beautiful and crazy and fun and dramatic. I feel like throughout all the friendships I've had over the years I've had the strongest connections with my lesbians friends.

I've dated men, and dated one guy since I came out and it was not for me. I would like to say that I'm pansexual and that I love all, but at the end of the day I'm attracted to women and it is what it is and it's awesome!

Jordan

My girlfriend and I were talking recently and she asked me, "did you feel like you finally became yourself once you realized you were gay?" Although I knew I liked girls at the age of 16 and dated a few here and there, I didn't come out until about a year and a half ago.

Looking back on my life I realize that it wasn't until coming out and realizing that I am in fact gay, I had never truly been comfortable in my shoes. I went through many phases, mostly with my appearance, trying new looks out unconsciously trying to find my place in the world. I was a hippie in high school and dabbled in the goth realm shortly there after.

I was a tomboy as a young girl and joke to this day with my parents that I was the son they never had. Prefering dirt and trucks over dancing and dolls I befriended young boys rather than young girls and played rough as a little one. I even have a few memories of taking my grandmother into the little boys section of clothing when she took me shopping as a child.

Sure one could say that all of these memories either fall into society's engenderized notions or that as a lesbian I myself am feeding into homophobic stereotypes, but I will be the first to say that stereotypes originate from somewhere (it's when people judge someone based on stereotypes or hold them against somone that becomes the problem).

I digress...20 years later after having lived my life as a full lesbian for over a year, I believe I have finally found the self that I am most comfortable in. I feel most comfrotable as well as sexy in men's clothes as well as taking on the "male role" in a romantic relationship. (Honestly I believe that society's ideas of male vs. female and the roles each should play are far too limited, but that's another post entirely).

It was not until my girlfriend actually asked me that question that day about finally feeling more comfortable in my own skin after coming out but she was right. Even though I was raised in the Bay Area, one of the most open and accepting communities in the U.S. homosexuality was still not exposed. Homophobia was not rampant and I was not raised to believe that living a gay lifestyle was wrong, but being gay was not an option for me. The society in which I was raised was so heterocentric there was no question in my mind that I was going to find a man, fall in love, get married, have kids and share the rest of my life with him. There are messages everywhere that reinforce these heterocentric ideas, on greeting cards, in songs and commercials, in movies and magazine advertizements and there are virtually no images in society that suggest that two men or two women can settle down and be just as happy as a man and woman could.

People ask whether or not I could date a man again, and although I have no idea of what my future holds, I think most likely not. I am so happy to be gay because it feels so right for me. After searching throughout the years of my life to find out who I am and now having finally discovered the true me, I have no desire to go back. (Let it be said that I do not hate men). I love who I am, sexuality and all and sure I would prefer to live in a society in which I had equal rights and was not discriminated against, but even still, I could not be happier or more proud to be gay and know that this is the person that I am meant to be.

Mia

I've been fortunate. I was raised in the Bay Area, one of the most liberal and accepting hubs of this country. Although I was in Colorado, a much more conservative environment than what I was used to in California, when I came out, all of my friends and family could not have been more supportive and accepting. My parents were more concerned about me moving further east than being a lesbian and when NYC legazlied gay marriage this past summer, I got text messages from each member of my family telling me that they loved me and were so happy for the exciting progress.

I have very little idea of what it is like to come out with the fear of being kicked out or disowned. Coming out in Colorado has burst my safety bubble however and I have experienced much discrimination being out in this state. The place where I encounter the most discrimination just so happens to be my place of employment.

I am a Literature Teacher at a treatment facility for at-risk youth and have been working with this population for three and a half years now. Not all of these students are homophobic, but many of these students often make homophobic and discriminatory remarks without hesitation. At first my tactics were to simply redirect the behavior and ask students to use less offensive words when expressing their feelings. Along these lines whenever a situation presented itself, I would make sure to try and educate the students about why saying remarks such as, 'that's so gay!' or 'that's so homo!' are not appropriate because being an educator I know the power of fighting ignorance with education. Not to make excuses for the student's offensive behaviors, but many of them have had little to no role modeling and as a result on some level they do not know better.

I was not in the closet at work, but I also didn't wear a badge that stated, "Hi my name is Mia and I'm a lesbian" either. One day however, when prompting my students about using appropriate and respectful language that does not put down an entire population of people, one of my students asked me, "are you gay?" and without thinking I responded, "yup I sure am."

Two days later I witnessed a pretty amazing incident in which a student was making homophobic statements in class and the student that had questioned my sexuality replied, "dude, don't say that! Those words are offensive!" I was completely stunned. Not only had he stood up against one of his peers, which rarely happens at my job, but he had also defended me in front of that peer. I pulled that student out of class and thanked him for standing up for me and for holding his peer accountable. This was truly one of the most meaningful moments of my teaching career to date.

Since this particular incident, I don't know if the support he gave me in turn gave me a new sense of confidence or if my anger has finally gotten the better of me; but whenever a student makes a disrespectful remark towards the GLTBQ community my response is this, "I'm gay, please don't disrespect me." It's been very interesting to watch student's reactions to my reponse, but mostly, the students redirect and move on. Sometimes I even get an apology haha.

There has been one more particular situation that has given me a sense of pride and strengthened my confidence about me and my homosexuality. In the year and a half that I have been working at this particular facility, there has been one student that has attended the school as a day treatment client for the entire time I have taught at the facility. This specific student has always been very open about disliking gay people, stating how perverted and disgusting they are and how they deserve to go to Hell. After working together for so long this student and I have a good, solid relationship. One day he made one of his notorious anti-gay comments and I looked at him in the eye and told him I was gay and would appreciate it if he would not disrespect me. His eyes grew wide and his mouth literally dropped. I didn't pay much attention and continued with my lesson. At the end of that day, he came up to me and gave me a hug and our relationship has been just as strong since it was before I came out to him. Furtheremore, whenever he begins to make a comment that sounds like it could be homophobic, he now catches himself before completing the remark. I can tell he is trying to change some of his habits.

As I stated earlier, I have no idea what it is like to come out initially to a family that may not be supportive and I know that one should only come out when he or she is ready and for no one but for him or herself. When I started coming out so bluntly to the students however, and even though I have been out for two years now, I still get nervous about the potential onslaught of disrespect, judgement and hate that can come from revealing my sexuality. At the end of the day I like who I am and I know not to take the student's hurtful words personal, but sometimes I can't help but be affected.

If I have learned one thing about coming out in the face of discrimination it is to be confident and proud about who I am, even if my confidence maybe faltering at the moment. I've observed and have been flat out told that because I am confident and not ashamed of who I am, even if people do not agree with my homosexuality, they respect me for being proud of who I am and for not hiding my true self. I love myself enough to be 100% true to who I am no matter what discrimination I may face. It has taken me a long time to get to this place of having such good relationship with myself, but I know all the hard work has been worth it.

It feels good to be able to face the fear of rejection of who I am and know that I am helping to open minds and challenge certain opinions. There is nothing wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer and no none of this is a choice. I know that when I encounter discrimination it has nothing to do with me and is instead a relfection of the person who is discriminating against me.

Confidence is sexy and it looks good on people.

Mia

Seven gray hairs. There they were, laid out emphasized on the black pillow right in front of me. Megan had plucked them out of my head the morning of my 23rd birthday. She held my face in her hands and said in the most genuine of tones, "Babe, gray is so beautiful on you."

"Then why the hell did you pull them out of my head?" My head still stung where the cluster of gray once had rooted itself.

She gathered the grays and drew them close to my cheek. "So I could hold them up to your eyes and imagine how beautiful you'll be when you're 60."

There was no question why I was wrapped in Megan's arms that day and every other day. She was the most kind and passionate lover anyone could hope for, and she was mine. I toted her around like a little-leaguer wears a medal after a championship. People would know about the prize I had won, even if they didn't care to. She did the same for me. Our love was obnoxious almost all of the time and we had no shame in that. We had the kind of love that others' are not lucky enough to share. It was the most mutual, honest love that could ever exist and was exquisite.

The I joined the Navy.

We wrote to each other every day while I was in bootcamp. She did not postmark the letters with her name as to remain genderless. Fellow bootcamp recruits wanted to know why I was getting an obscene amount of mail. Who cared that much about me? "Do you have a boyfriend back home? What is his name? How long have you been with him? What's he like?" After a few weeks of the pronoun game, I had to come up with something. I started calling her Murdock. It was random, but so random that it wasn't questioned. It worked and it stuck.

"Murdock is smart. Murdock works at a tattoo shop. Murdock is an artist. Murdock plays the base." I never called Megan "he" because she deserved more than that. Then came the question I was dreading.

"If you two are so in love, then why don't you have any pictures of him?" I asked Megan to send me a picture of her with a guy, any short, tattooed, dark-haired guy, so I could pass him off as my "Murdock." She snapped a Poloroid of herself posing with some random guy in the tattoo shop. I opened the envelope, looked at the photo and knew that this was where the lying really began.

I lied every single day about Megan from that day forward while I was enlisted. After losing any amount of integrity I had, and with a stiff prompting from my senior chief who had heard a rumor that I was a lesbian, I wrote a letter proclaiming my sexuality. The day I wrote that letter I had more pride than leather-clad bears dancing on the biggest float of the parade. I knew who I was and I didn't have to hide it anymore. Three weeks later I was discharged under Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Megan and I stayed together throughout the duration of my enlistment. She was my rock. My best friend. My (phone sex) lover. My everything. Once I was discharged, I felt like Megan was my Only-thing. Where had my sense of self gone? My pupose? My drive? My tenacity? My pride? It was as if they had all been discharged from my personality.

The feelings of shame and failure that conincided with the Navy discharge were unexpected and overwhelming I was not the same prideful person that I had been before. I had tucked my medal under my shirt because I had grown accustomed to hiding it. Instead of wearing her like a trophy, she became a weight around my neck. I resented Megan for supporting my discharge. I became upset with her for loving me when it was devastatingly obvious that I did not love myself. I broke up with her because she did not hate me.

It took years for me to regain my sense of self-worth and pride. Having a bad relationship with yourself is much like having a bad relationship with someone else. As long as you learn from the relationship, you come out stronger and more in tune with your own wants and needs. I know what I am worth and I am aware of what I have to offer. I am quite the "catch" if I do say so myself. I know now that I am worthy of being someone's trophy. When I find the right woman I plan to stand on the highest podium with her and let everyone know that she and I won first place.

I have Megan and myself to thank for this perspective of love. Without her love, I wouldn't know that love like that is possible. I've seen it in movies and read about it in all the 'Twilight' books, but love like that, (minus all the vampire stuff), really does exist.

Through the years of self-reflection, Megan and I have only spoken a handful of times. It is usually short and in passing. I ran into Megan two years ago while I was visiting home.

"Hey, how are you? Long time, no see. I like your hair," she said.

"I'm good thanks. You like it? I'm thinking of dying it black. My grays are really starting to show."

"Don't color it. Gray is beautiful on you."

She smiled and walked away. We haven't spoken since. As I write this, I'm still rockin' the gray hair.

Kristen

I have an anxiety disorder. I was first diagnosed about eight years ago but coming to terms with and accepting this part of myself did not really begin until last spring. Up until this point I had learned how to 'get by' and deal with my anxiety on a daily basis. I had tried all sorts of different remedies such as therapy, homeopathy and diet, but it was until I had a panic attack so severe that I ended up in the hospital when I realized that it may be time to seek alternative methods for my condition. It was then I decided to seek medical treatment.

I was fortunate enough to find a psychiatrist that was understanding and empathetic of my biases towards medication and we agreed to start slow and easy for me. (I had many irrational fears about taking medication for many years). I started on a very low dosage and at first, all seemed to be going very well.

At this point in my life I was dating a very wonderful woman who was entirely accepting of my situation. I had many insecurities about my anxiety disorder and felt great shame that it was a part of me. When I confided in her, she was understanding and extrememly accommodating. She listened to me and my fears and never made me feel bad for what I was dealing with.

About a month into taking the medication I was taking a full pill a day, I had been instructed to increase my dosage by a quarter pill each week. It was my fourth week and both my girlfriend and a mutual friend noticed that something seemed to be different with me. They both came to me to talk about their concerns and I agreed that something was 'off' with me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly was wrong. Looking back on it, I was beginning to isolate myself and I grew increasinly despondent with each day.

A few days later I woke up in the middle of the night in the midst of a severe panic attack. The only thoughts running through my frantic mind was that life was hopeless and nothing would ever get better for me-that I would always feel this way. I called my mother and she talked me through it and was able to calm me down. We agreed that we thought it was the medication that was affecting my mood and that I should call my pyschiatrist in the morning.

When I got off the phone with my mom, I texted my girlfriend that I was having a rough night and asked her to call me when she woke up. (She had gone out of the state for the weekend). She called me when she woke up and was very concerned. She listened to me and apologized for not being in town to be able to help me. She was fortunately flying home that day and she told me to come over as soon as she got in. I took the day off from work and tried to continue to calm down (I was still physically shaking with anxiety). My psychiatrist advised me to stop taking the pill because that pill had a tendency to produce suicidal thoughts in some people. I stopped taking the medication immediately.

Sure enough I got a phone call from her later that night and she told me to come over to her house even thought it happened to be the last night with her roommate before she left to go to grad school. Once my girlfriend opened the door to let me in, she pulled me into her arms and just held me. When we pulled away from the hug, she grabbed my hand and didn't let it go for the entire evening. This one specific gesture exemplified her love and support and she was able to help me get through one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Anonymous

It was the summer after my sophomore  year of college at the University of South Dakota. I had a bad summer and decided to go back to school a month early. The day I got back to South Dakota from home in Omaha, I met a gorgeous girl ironically. I wondered why I couldn't have met her while I was still in Omaha because that's where she lived also. So we chatted and decided to meet in a  few weeks when I would be back home. So we did. I picked her up and we went out-it was great! She was gorgeous, feminine and just my type.

We decided after that to be exclusive and we tried the distance thing. After all, my college was only 2 hours from Omaha. So we did the distance for year while I was on a softball scholarship. The distance was hard and my love for softball faded so I decided to transfer schools.

We were in love and decided to get married one day. Unfortunately a few month after I transfered, she cheated on me with a friend and I was heart broken. I had given up a scholarship for her and that's how I was repaid? I tried to get over it but couldn't. We couldn't be together even though we tried for a few years.

We're still friends to this day but I learned a valuable lesson and that's never give up anything for anyone and never move for anyone unless you have more than one reason for it. I'm stronger today for going through that.

Anonymous

Hello...my name is Bill and I'm a 50 year old male. I happpen to be a family member of your blog owner. When I was asked to write this, it made me reflect on my adult life and I realized, like everyone, I had some really good times and some bad ones too....!!!! But, all in all, I've had a good life so far.

I've been lucky enough to have two long term relationships and am now in another....we celebrated our one year anniversary in January. In the two long term relationships, I was younger and truly thought I had met the loves of my life and wanted them to be the idyllic "white picket fence" type we all search and yearn for. I won't say "sadly enough" they didn't work out that way but they ended for different reasons.

In my first relationship, he was 11 years older than I and a very successful business person. I was 22 years old and thought I had it all. We had a house in the Hollywood Hills and one in Laguna Beach....we had great friends and life was good. Our friends thought we had everything going for us; behind the scenes it was far from it. In the beginning, my ex was the life of the party. He would tell jokes, laugh, and all in all, have a fun time all the while drinking. The drinking got worse and worse over the years until it got to be unberable. I tried all sorts of things to make it work...and to his credit he tried also. He went to rehab two times, reluctantly, because his job made him go. One of the times, he was in rehab and I got a phone call from him. He wasn't supposed to have a phone...this was before cell phones...but there he was on the phone. He called to tell me "how bad it was in here so I didn't do this to anyone else." After that call, although it took a little more than a year, we broke up. I was sad but I knew it was the right decision. We had been together for nine and a half years and I walked away from everything.

The second was probably the best in many ways but the hardest too....over the 11 years we were together, I checked my "person" at the door and never allowed myself to grow. This hurt both of us in the end and I felt horribly we ended negatively...over the years we have resolved everything. He was a very good man but not the best at showing affection and I'm a very affectionate person. We followed his job up and down the East Coast because he made so much more than I did. I had a good career going when we lived in Washington D.C. but had to leave it so we could move to New York. At the time, I was hurt and angry but didn't show it nor talk about it much. This I realized was a huge mistake and started us on the downward trend...this was truly my fault. I started drinking a little more and had a couple of affairs thinking I could find myself but in the most inappropriate ways. What I didn't know until later was he was having trysts too, but to his defense, it was due to my behavior. Five years ago, I received a job offer for a position in Texas. After some discussion, I made the move. It was very difficult splitting up everything...espcially the dogs and cats.

At the time, I thought I had made a good decision...and I did. I was able to find myself again, went into therapy, got back into competitive tennis and focused on Bill for the first time in my life. I realized it was okay to be selfish as long as you didn't hurt anyone. Through therapy, I was able to discover things about myself I knew but didn't want to face; now that I've faced my demons, I'm a much better person and partner.

If I had been in touch and able to hit my issues square in the face, would I have been in those relationships? Looking back on it, I wouldn't be where I am today and without having experienced everything I had in my life...would I change a few things...yes....would it have made a big difference....probably...but would I be the caring and loving person who understands himself better....probably not.

In my current relationship I am a much better person. I communicate more and better even though it might not be exactly what my partner wants to hear at the time....it's honest and open. After my fifty years, I'm finally able to be myself and not worry about what people think.

In closing, life is what it is. Sometimes we are dealt a hand we feel is insurmountable and we just want to give up; but don't. If you look at life as a series of situations requiring good decision making, you can make it. If you let outside factors govern your decisions, you might not make the decision that's best for you. I'm not saying it's okay to only look out for yourself to the detriment of others, but it's okay to be a little selfish as long as you don't hurt anyone. As I look back, I had money, lost money, made stupid decisions, made some good ones too....and through it all, ultimately, I had myself to fall back on.

Bill is a good person. He has a great job, people who love and care about him. He's healthy and happy. I have a measurement that some people may find as silly....if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I change anything? New house? New car? Nope....I love where I am now personally and professionally. It took a good amount of time and effort to get here; I'm so happy I get a chance to enjoy it.

Bill

Looking back at all the compilations of my relationships, I realize that I took a little something new from each person and learned a little more about myself, which taught me to love myself more. It's not just the good parts and trying to remember the happy memories, but it's also remembering the hardest parts. Hearing someone you love recognize the bad parts of you and acknowledging it yourself and trying to work on it. It's almost all the good little happy things and knowing that that's what I want in the future and all the criticism that comes out of ending a relationship is what I got back.

My whole life I've been told I'm a dreamer and not a doer. And it took me deciding not to be in a relationship to work on it. I'm definitely a dreamer, like looking at the sunlight and how it hits something and noticing the beauty that results.

I did the whole college thing. I don't know if it wasn't for me but it didn't pan out for me. I wanted to be a housewife. I wanted to be painting on a deck in NYC and have my doctor girlfriend come home to dinner. I've seen countless girls through countless career choices through countless relationships and then I dated a Scorpio. She was fantastic and beautiful and everything you wanted to make last forever.

It had been awhile since I had dated anyone and I was dating a couple of girls at the time. I realized that I didn't want to be a tour guide through life. I was dating older women who were like, "been there, done that" or, "aww you're only 23..." It was the first time in awhile I gave myself room to play with someone and give myself the opportunity to experience things with another person.

For being in the same place at the same time and for loving all of the same things, she made me feel like shit for making sandwiches. And gurl, I love to make sandwiches! I just began to feel like I'd be doing the same thing at the end of the day. And at the end of the day, everything was hers. Her pictures. Her life. Her girlfriend that was making sandwiches that just didn't cut it.

You can hold onto anger and choose to say those things, but I think I was mad at myself for not seeing the best parts of me. I was so mad at her for not seeing the best parts of me. I would say to her, "I love all your pieces" even though there were many awful pieces but I loved all of her pieces-they were the same to me. And when it was over, I was so mad at her for not seeing all of my pieces, but what kind of person are you if you allow someone to put you down and keep you there?! I'm 23 and have my whole life ahead of me. And guess what?! I'm still making sandwiches haha.

I started blogging 6 years ago and the first post I wrote was when I broke up with my first love. It's interesting to go back and read that post and then think about breaking up with my second love, which was in October. I have been single since then and I don't ever want to be in a relationship again. I've been hanging out with a girl and we cuddle and kiss occasionally. We share the kind of pillow-talk moments where we rediscover those angsty-teen moments together.

I want the movie kind of love. I want to read poetry to my love and I want to be able to stay in my room and paint and not have her care. My friendships have reflected that. I have a great group of friends that support one another and will go to each other's shows. I think it's because we're all headed in the same direction. I think it's because I formed a good relationship with myself.

I've had so many friends in my life tell me that I'm settling and at the time and in those moments I'm like, "I'm not settling! I can do this forever!" I read "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke in my last relationship. I remember seeing that book for the first time and it was in-between an Andrea Gibson poetry book and "Paint it Black", which I now consider my break-up book. It's about this girl who is finding in this relationship and her entire journey is realizing that someone in her life was not who he was, but who he wanted to be. She looses her faith in people and asks the Universe why she's here and why she is being tortured and she was given a sign to just let it all go. Let it all be.

There was a quote in Rilke about how things in life are difficult which is all the more reason why we should do them. I've worked so hard to be where I am, and working this hard, despite how difficult it's been, is all the more reason not to give up on it. I've been starting to feel the same way about emotions. I love the movie-love idea of jumping in head first and having it be all-or-nothing. But right now, I'm waiting for those moments, to take the time and take things slow, which have become my all-or-nothing moments.

Since Valentine's Day I have been dating a couple of women, but nothing serious. I woke up and realized that I want fireworks! Those types of moments where you're seeing a woman and she's already left for the day and has left you a note, and just seeing her handwriting makes you nervous. I feel like things have become muddled and I want those types of things to have meaning again. They didn't mean as much because I lost the journey that I was on.

I came out of high school thinking I knew who I was. Everybody has this idea of themselves of who they are and what they bring to the table. It's like the saying that says, "once you realize that there is no solid place to stand, you'll be at peace." I feel like I was trying to hold onto this image of who I was when I came out of high school and when I was in relationships with people who had all these wonderful things to say about me-it's like catching yourself in a lie.

I feel like I've been in this constant journey to come back to myself. The part of myself like when I was a kid and didn't know how harsh the world was. Like trying to get back to that place because that place is what I had given away to too many people. It's one aspect of myself that I like most about me. I've been spending all this time in relationships trying to find that part of myself and I now realize that I need to spend more time with myself. If I hold those standards for myself then I'll find people who hold the same standards for themselves in my life. It's like what all my friends tell me, "you shouldn't go to a bar to meet your next girlfriend." And my response was always, "Well there where do you meet your next girlfriend?!" It's nice to know that people hang out outside of bars.

It's all about making a personal connection. Not just a relationship. I mean, I come home to myself everyday and I don't feel like I've had a relationship with myself for a long time. How can you expect anyone to be there for you when you can't even be there for yourself?!

I feel like I have things to say and I feel like I haven't had anything to say for a really long time.

Hannah

Obviously I want to talk about an incident that happened in my first sober relationship. How we met is a whole nother story in of itself; but here it is in a nutshell.

There was a Boy and he was 6 months sober. He went out for a pass from the Jewish Rehab he found himself in and did nothing what his pass said he was going to do. His day pass said he was going to go have lunch with his family and meet up with friends to go to an AA meeting and then be back to the rehab for dinner. Instead, the Boy whisked himself away to his Garden of Eden, which he lovingly calls, The Flex. For those of you not familiar with The Flex, it is an establishment that requires the patrons to solely wear towels, which are optional. It was a lovely Sunday and this young Boy was going there merely to lay naked by the pool and for the weekly BBQ that was offered, not to participate in any shenanigans. It was his first time back at one of these establishments sober, and he was in parking ticket mode. He was the parking ticket and he wanted validation, but didn't want to get stamped!

He was making his way to the pool for the BBQ, when he saw the most delicious apple bottom ass he had ever seen. He stopped walking to imagine what it would be like to taste it. Before he was done fantasizing, the apple bottom turned around and caught the Boy staring with his toungue out. Embarrassed, the Boy makes it seem like he had stopped to open the steam room door, which he had mercifully stopped in front of. Before entering the steam room, he dropped his towel ever so slightly to reveal his crack and gives the apple bottom man a quick little inviting smile.

Embarrassed and flustered he calmed himself down in the steam room and in walked Apple Bottom. From the first moment he met Apple Bottom, his aggressive and dominant behavior was so appealing to the Boy. So the two of them were standing by the wall in the steam room and Apple Bottom reaches over ever so subtly and gives the Boy's jewels a little jiggle. It was an invitation that the Boy was all too ready to accept. Apple Bottom guided the boy to a cubby and they proceeded to put on a show for the other steam room patrons.

Having gotten validated and realizing a stamp was coming sooner than he would like, the Boy fled and wandered off to see what else was around, ready to get validated once more. After a couple of laps around, little results produced. The Boy entered the video room of this fine establishment and across the room he saw Apple Bottom pleasuring another patron. The Boy is a voyeur and was immensely satisfied to sit there and watch the live porn. To the Boy's excitement, his ticket was validated once again by Apple Bottom by beckoning him over to join in on the fun. The Boy was very happy to see Apple Bottom send away the other guy and give his sole attention to him. If you haven't already guessed it by now, the Boy likes to be the zebra in the African Safari, being pounced on and devoured by a hungry lion.

Apple Bottom whispered, "do you have a room?" and the Boy told him a small fib and said, "no." Fearing that if he said yes,  Apple Bottom would want to go to it and would want to stamp the Boy's ticket or have the boy stamp his ticket, and he was not ready for that! The Boy realized that it was once again time to flee and ran off, leaving the lion hungry and wanting more.

Looking at the time, the Boy realized that it was time to leave his Garden of Eden. Satisfied and validated he headed to his room to change. Once again, because he likes to be objectified, he left his door open while he got dressed. And who should pass by, but Apple Bottom?! The Boy was impressed with the fact that Apple Bottom did not call him out on his little white lie; instead, Apple Bottom said, "hold on a minute," and rushed off and quickly returned with his business card. The card had a sunflower on it, which just so happened to be the Boy's favorite flower.

Apple Bottom, whom the Boy now learned was named Tripp, handed him his card and said very directly, "call  me."

The Boy's sponsor had been encouraging him to get more numbers as a part of his program of recovery and so something deep inside the Boy told him he should call Tripp back. They set up their first date, very cryptic-like, fore the Boy had still not disclosed that he was six months sober and living in a Jewish Rehab. While trying to plan their first date, it was revealed that Tripp was five years sober and did not care much that the Boy was in rehab.

If you haven't guessed, I am the Boy and I had just heard at group of this concept of a "God Shot", which means that there are no coincidences-that something that seems random is in fact meant to be and is an indicator of a loving higher power working in your life. It's kind of like Pee-Wee Herman saying, "Connect the dots la la la la la!" All these random dots, make one complete picture, yet we are only able to see the dots. So this God Shot was that Tripp was five years sober. So all of my fears of disclosing my addiction were lifted and it was a safe place for me to explore romance sober.

We were very lesbionic and six months later we moved in together. I moved into his tiny single, which we called, "The Love Cave". There was no doubt that this person and I were meant to be together at that time in that moment. I was uncertain if I loved him in the "movie-romantic" way, but there was no doubt that he loved me unconditionally and I grew to do the same.

After my first year and a half, my dependence on him, just as my safety net, lifted and I was truly able to love him and give equally into the relationship. We were together for three and a half years and in our second year together, I developed seven Kidney Stones. This was a direct result of my Crystal Meth use. The drugs had eroded my ureter and made it so that little to no pee was getting into my kidneys and so I developed the stones. Tripp was there for me, to do something I had never done before, and never thought possible. To trust and depend on someone who was not family for support.

The surgery had gone well but my recovery was very difficult, due to my stubbornness of not wanting to take my prescribed pain medication in fear of relapsing. By not taking the medicine, I placed my body in so much pain and stress that the stint that was placed in my body shifted down to make it where I could no longer control my own bodily functions. Without a complaint, he was there, mopping up the goop, despite the gore. And believe me! It was not pretty!! And when I needed to be rushed to the hospital, due to infection, he took the lead again, like the lion I met in the bathouse. Instead of being his prey, I was his cub that he dragged to saftey.

I was very emabarrassed because I was continuously going to the bathroom and had to wear adult diapers and was worried that I would make a mess all over his car. He just smiled and reclined the seat so I could ride in comfort. On the way to the hospital I was in a lot of pain and stress, doing my best to hold everything in. Eventually I could not control it anymore and my body exploded. I looked at his face to see what he was thinking, and all I saw was a big smile and a laugh. No pity, no disgust, no shame. Just strength. I'll never forget that intense feeling of not being alone and being completely and utterly cared for and loved. And then I started laughing and letting my body go and having a good time. We cranked up the music and I pissed and shat to the music the rest of the way lol.

Even though a year and a half later, Tripp would display that he was human and selfish and bring about the end of our relationship. I will never forget that moment in the car and the gift he gave me. I felt unconditionally loved and cared for by a power greater than myself. The same kind of unconditional love my sponsor kept telling me I would get from my higher power, God, but did not feel it or understand it. When we broke up, I realized that I had made Tripp my higher power, but that in reality my higher power, or God as I choose to call him, had always been there and was always there working for me. Thanks to Tripp, I was able to experience the gift of trusting in that force for the first time. It is a gift that I cherish deeply and has allowed me to walk this Earth with a sense of faith and security that I had not known before.

Nick

I guess I should start with some background. Laura and I met right before she was leaving town. She had just got a marketing job which allowed her to travel all over the U.S. We had one amazing date right before she left. Just talking and hanging out...I was really excited to have met her, but then she had to leave. So we started talking on the phone. Soon we spent about an hour everyday talking on the phone. We'd send each other pictures and jokes. We had great conversations. When she came back to Denver for awhile...well, we had realy connected and started dating monogamously, you know, she was my 'girlfriend'. Then she had to leave again for several months...back to phone dating.

She would send me things in the mail like postcards and packages. She had been gone for a couple of months and had another month to go when she called me and said, "I'm sending you a present. It's going to be at your neighbor's house. Go see Cassie and get your present." She had sent me a clue of the present, it was a picture and it was of boxes, crates and luggage in a giant warehouse.

So I went next door and knocked on Cassie's door, totally excited to get my present. Cassie told me, "go into my room, it's in there." I walked in her room and there was Laura! She had flown back early. The picture she had sent me was of the hanger where she caught her airplane back to Denver. I had totally missed that clue haha. She made my whole day-no, that's an understatement. It was one of the best surprises I'd ever had and it was a great day.

Heather

I knew I was gay since I was eight years old. I never acknowledged it because I came from a very religious background. I tried to ignore my feelings for many years and didn't come out till my sophomore year of college when I met my first girlfriend. I fell in love with her right away. It was by far the most passionate relationship I've ever been in. We were together for 3 1/2 years and I came out to my family after being with her for six months. After I came out to my family I was out in the open to everyone. I really didn't care anymore, I was happy and wanted important people in my life to know.

I've always been a Daddy's girl, so telling him was my first priority. I was extremely nervous and paced around for 45 minutes crying before I could spit anything out. He took it all very well and was very supportive about it. It wasn't what he wished for me, but he wanted me to be happy. My mom reacted in a complete opposite way. She basically disowned me for two years and told me I was going to Hell. The communication we had was usually Bible verses she would send me and telling me that family was praying for me to get better, as if I was sick.

My senior year of college my Grandma got really sick. She was diagnosed with 4th degree lung cancer, so I came home to take care of her. She was moved to hospice and my girlfriend came to Colorado with me to spend her last weeks with her. This experience opened my mother's eyes to the fact that we were really in love and it wasn't a phase. At my grandmother's wake my mother broke down and cried and apologized for everything. From then on our relationship has made a 180. She became supportive and one of my best friends.

After I graduated from Nebraska I decided to move back home to Colorado. My relationship had been on the rocks for awhile. I learned that in passionate relationships, when it's good it's amazing and when it's bad it's hell. We tried to do the long-distance thing for awhile, but it didn't work so we broke up. I was devastated.

I decided to quit dating for awhile. I took time to find myself for awhile and worked on myself. It was hard but it was one of the best decisions I could have made at the time. Communication between my ex was a roller coaster. I finally started to try dating again and I always had the fear that I would never love anyone as much again. I've had one serious girlfriend since then and I fell in love for a second time. Unfortunately it didn't work out due to two different maturity levels. She was in her college phase and I was focused on starting my career. It was a fairly clean break and overall a good relationship, but never reached the level of my first girlfriend.

After the breakup my rugby season started up again. At the same time my mom was going through a pretty nasty divorce with my stepdad. It was her third divorce so I was spending a lot of time with her, trying to help her through it. I knew that there was something funky going on because it seemed like she was hiding something from me.

My first game of the season my mom told me she was bringing one of her best friends from church. As soon as I got off the field my roommate said, "OMG who is that lesbian with your mom?!" 100 footer, easy.

So I gave it the benefit of the doubt and thought to myself, "they're probably just good friends." The 100 footer started hanging around all the time. My mom took me to lunch and asked me if I thought her friend was gay, clearly I said, "absolutely." My mom immediately went into defense mode, acting like she was surprised and weirded out by it. She asked me questions like, "How do I tell her this is not what I want? I'm not gay and just want to be friends." I told her that she can't just come at her and accuse her of being a lesbian if she hadn't opened up about it. I kind of just let it sit, then I got a call from my mom a month later and she was bawling her eyes out-I knew exactly was she was going to say. She broke down and apologized once again and she said, "I don't expect you to accept this about me, but I'm in love with Jenn."

It was hard for me to take at first due to the fact that she disowned me for two years. Her happiness was most important to me, so I forgave her and supported her new relationship. About two months later they "U-Hauled it" and moved in together and about a month and a half later, they were engaged. Now they've been together probably about 7 or 8 months, that I know about.

I asked her because I was curious if she had ever had these thoughts before because sometimes people who have the hardest time accepting other people who are gay because they themselves have thoughts and/or tendencies but are afraid to face them. She responded that she had never had those thoughts but after witnessing my first relationship, it had opened her up to the fact that you don't love someone for their gender, but for who they are. You fall in love with someone, gender completely aside.

I don't think my mom is gay, I think it was a timing thing. Jenn came into her life when she was going through a nasty divorce and was her best friend and supported her. I think my mom looked past the fact that she was a woman and began to take her guard down and get past the whole "I'm going to Hell" thing. She allowed herself to fall in love with this woman, gender aside.

When I see friends struggle with their families, this is often the story that inspires them that there is always hope. My mom was disgusted by me when I came out, but after seeing that love is love, her perspective on the world changed.

I've always had the attitude that I'm going to do what makes me happy, the people who accept it are people I want in my life and the people who don't are a waste of time. Family has always been my priority and I couldn't be happier that I never gave up on my mom.

Nicole

One evening my friend Alison and I went out dancing. It was a night of little excitement. Alison at one point said, "I am so tried of no one wanting me!" I replied, "Look at the women here. Do you want any of these women to really want you?!" At that, Alison went to the bathroom and I scanned the dance floor. There was someone new I hadn't noticed before. He dance style was unique but she really wasn't my type. As I continued to wait for Alison, I moved over to the DJ booth. That's when she walked up, the dancer, and casually leaned against the DJ booth. "Want to dance?" she asked. I really wasn't interested but I wanted to be polite so I said, "Sure".

Once on the dance floor, as she slid into my arms, the sparks flew. I couldn't let her go. Our bodies moved so naturally with each other-there was no longer anyone else in the room. Our faces pressed against each other, sweat dripped between us and we couldn't let each other go. We finally came up for air, so much tension between us-my butterflies were swarming everytime her hand brushed mine. Unfortunately I had to leave (Alison was angry that once again she was alone). We exchanged names, her name was Kelly, and numbers.

I was unable to sleep that night. I was too worked up and couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities with Kelly.

The next morning as I was out with a friend, I received a text from Kelly. She thanked me for the nice night and asked when we could see each other again. My smile was gigantic. It pretty much fell off my face. We made plans for the next night at her place. That next night was the start of something amazing. We had tea, she made me soup and our conversations were nonstop. We ended up in her bedroom sitting on the floor talking about Budhism. I reached over to brush her hair out of her face and she leaned in, our lips met with such passion. It was almost an explosion in which we both needed to hold on and not let go of each other. After things settled down we both expressed how natural it felt to be with each other.

After that night we were together everyday. With everyday, we became closer. I felt comfortable telling her all my deepest thoughts and feelings. She became my best friend. One day as we were eating lunch wee got on the subject of kids. It was a nonserious conversation but I enjoyed getting to know her perspectivce. A few nights later as we were drifting off to sleep, she put her arms across my chest and nuzzled, and my next whispering was-"it makes me happy to think about having kids with you."

Unlike other women I have been with, Kelly always kept my attention. I never lost that butterfly feeling. The smallest touch, the briefest scent of her had me excited and longing for more.

Lenny

I found my heart in San Francisco.

My senior year of college, I attended a student conference in San Francisco. During the opening session, I walked into the room to see a flood of unfamiliar faces. One face, however, stood out. The face belonged to a strikingly handsome guy, about my age, who was sitting at a table in the middle of the room. Despite the guy's good looks, he had a modest and shy demeanor, almost child-like. The seat next to him was empty and I seized the opportunity to get to know him better. His name was Justin and he was a student from Oregon. As I got to know him, I found that he was incredibly intelligent yet approachable, confident yet kind. Justin and I exchanged contact info, but we did not see each other for the next two days until the closing session of the conference.

At the closing session of the conference, I approached him and asked him when he was leaving and what he was doing for the rest of the day. He was leaving in the evening like me, and thus had a few hours to kill in the city. We agreed to do some sightseeing together and made our way out of the hotel. It was a beautiful day and so we decided to walk to the Coit Tower. Along the way, I got to know Justin better and everything he shared with me made me want to know more. When we made it to the top of the Coit Tower, the view was perfect, the weather was perfect, and he seemed perfect. At this point, neither of us had revealed to each other that we were gay and the conversation had remained platonic. I told him about a job offer I had accepted in New York and he revealed that he was intending to go to New York after graduation as well. We agreed to keep in touch until our paths crossed again in the fall.

For the next 6 months, I thought about Justin a lot. We emailed each other occassionally and with each new email I tried to dig in a little deeper to see if he was interested in me romantically. Justin was frustratingly ambiguous in response to my flirtatious advances, which drove me absolutely crazy. By the fall, I had already resigned myself emotionally to just being friends with him.

When I arrived in New York, I called Justin and we agreed to do some sightseeing the next day and meet in Time Square. The day of our meeting, I waited in Time Square, at the busiest intersection in the world. I spotted Justin walking among the crowds. He was far better looking than I had remembered. He greated me with a huge smile and I realized at that moment that I was in love. We proceeded to find a place for lunch. Confused by the ambiguity of the situation, I asked him directly if he was gay. He stammered a bit and told me he was gay, but not out of the closet. I sighed as I realized that a relationship with him would be an uphill battle.

We spent the entire day together walking around New York and ended the evening watching a Broadway show. The day was just as perfect as the day I first met him. I decided to take a risk and hold his hand during the show, an advance to which he obliged. From this day onward, Justin and I would spend two wonderful years together as boyfriends in New York.

My relationship with Justin definitely had its ups and downs, but honestly I would say my two years with him were some of the happiest years of my life. I was crazy about him and he became my best friend. In the end, my hectic travel schedule at work and his starting graduate school led to our split, but we have remained friends since and still share fond memories of each other.

Anonymous

"So Alex do you have somthing you want to tell us?"

Where I grew up, you were supposed to dream of college, high paying jobs, kids, safe neighborhoods, soccer games and eventually marriage. But really I never did. My parents were both together, heck my grandparents were still together at 80 years old. My childhood was not traumatic, but a standard of predominately white hood. I had boyfriends all throughout high school, was considered popular, a star athlete, and made it to college out of state. However, I knew I was different but I never knew why until I allowed myself to get to know myself.

The words gay, lesbian, bisexual, or queer were not in my world. Of course I had lesbian neighbors, my parent's had gay friends that visited all the time, a couple of teachers who were also gay but I wasn't aware or knew any different growing up. I remember telling my first love, a boy, that I thought I wasn't straight. Looking back I know that I enjoyed drunkenly kissing my girl friends, loved being surrounded by women, was a rough 'en tough girl, and never brought into the ideal of growing up, getting married and having kids. For me I wanted, and still want to change the world. This all started when I went away and met the strongest, most open and honest group of women I have ever had in my life.

In this group I found what I was missng. My life became female centered and this allowed me to really explore my own understanding of myself. I became passionate about women's health, protested, talked about uncomfortable issues, and bonded with like-minded women. But at the same time I wouldn't let these relationships go any further with women. I had this concept in my mind that others in my life would name this a "phase" just because I was so involved in women's rights, then of course I would "experiment". I let this hold me back for a year, where I found myself jealous of lesbian couples, or others who labeled themselves queer and knew what that meant for them. I had gay friends who kept saying, "alright Alex whenever you wanna come out, just let me know." I was afraid of myself, and what myself might be.

This fear ended with a fateful night of dancing at a gay bar with a woman that wouldn't leave me alone, and I wouldn't leave her. Unlike my past relationships, which were all still with men, the connection and chemistry were instant. I couldn't stop kissing and touching this woman, and wanted more. I was still scared but more excited that I had let something inside free, and then I wanted to share it with everyone. I took things slow though to give myself time to reflect and just be. From this point on I knew whatever label I was, just like in high school, I was not and am not straight.

Besides a few flings, and weak relationships, I spent two years of my life with one woman. I learned the essence of really being happy in one's skin, and telling others who didn't know for years that I wasn't straight, that I was dating a woman. I was lucky, and had surrounded myself with amazing open-minded people so the "coming out" wasn't like it was for some of my friends. Sure I was misunderstood, was the talk of my hometown for awhile, and felt like I had to prove myself in the community at times; but all in all, it was a beautiful life change.

So when I was walking around the lake with my parents during Christmas break one year, and they posed this question to me, "so Alex, do you have something you want to tell us?" I was finally ready. Not to say from this point on there weren't challenges, but I took on those challenges knowing that I was presenting my whole self. I am always thankful for everyone I have in my life who have supported me and understood me, and I only wish that everyone who is not straight and straight would expeirence the same.

Today, I have to admit that that two-year relationship is over. After a move across the country together, many difficult nights and decisions we ended. I dated another woman after that, until I went on a road trip with a good friend, who happened to be a man. So six years after coming out, and vowing to never be with a man again, love happened. It is mysterious, but I learned to listen and be open to what life hands me. This attitude is the same way I was able to be open about all of my sexuality. So now, I live as a "hasbian" that some judgmental people would say, I am proud to share my story, be proud, and still be part of a community to help diversify and also learn it's own acceptance.

Alex

I'm bad at this game I mean the love game. I got lucky in my last relationship that's for sure. I don't know where this one picked me up...

So once upon a time there was this young girl, the ripe young age of 21. Her name was Consuelo and she had just moved to Denver. The first person she met took her out to The Roxy, which at the time, was the happenin' gay spot in town. She then proceeded to buy Consuelo shot after shot of Patron. Consuelo found herself gettin' freaky on one of the lounge tables and had found she had somehow misplaced her pants. As she danced, she brought attention to herself and started meeting the lesbians about the town. Amongst these lesbians, was a young girl named Jeanna.

Jeanna was originally from California and this was her going away party as she was about to move back in a couple of days. Both of us being completely wasted, we moved on with our night enjoying our own separate good times. The next morning, Consuelo awoke with an awful hangover and with a spotted and vague memory of the night before. The memory of Jeanna would never again arise but Consuelo would hear about this girl again dun dun DUN!!!!

For the next year Consuelo would continue to hear about this girl Jeanna. She came to visit a few times and having mutual friends, there were always plans for the two groups to meet up. However, every time something would come up or someone would leave early so Consuelo and Jeanna would only continue to hear about one another. They eventually became friends on MySpace but the friendship was nothing more than a comment here or a message "hello" there yadda yadda yadda.

In a strange twist of fate, Consuelo and Jeanna continued to talk more before Jeanna's next visit to Colorado and they agreed to hang out this particular visit. Then Consuelo went to JR's for "Dollar Beer Thursdays" (of course) where Jeanna spotted her. Unfortunately Jeanna only spotted her as she was leaving to venture elsewhere. Consuelo woke up the next morning and received an IM from Jeanna saying, "I saw you last night" and Consuelo replied with the obvious response, "so you're stalking me now?!" Jeanna said, "yes" but then explained that she only saw Consuelo as she was leaving. So Consuelo asked Jeanna if she was planning on going to First Friday that night. Then they agreed once again to meet up and actually meet each other in person and remember it.

But of course everything in Consuelo's life being a ridiculous adventure, and due to circumstances of an ex girlfriend and a brick wall, their planned meeting was once again foiled. The next day, they covered each other's MySpace walls with conversation. Intrigued by this girl, Consuelo sent Jeanna her phone number. Day and night it seemed that they would text each other. On a whim, Consuelo suggested coming out to visit and spending her Thanksgiving in California with Jeanna. Within a week the ticket was purchased and another week later, Consuelo was en route to California, thinking it would be nothing more than just fun, maybe a little more than fun (wink wink) and just time for them to enjoy each other's company. Little did they both know, what would happen next...

Consuelo landed and hit the bars, Jeanna was not there yet, but on her way. Consuelo had two Jager Bombs and a Vodka RedBull. Jeanna called to let Consuelo know that she had arrived at the airport and Consuelo walked out to meet this girl face to face for the first time. Jeanna found Consuelo and she too was carrying a Vodka RedBull. (The drinks were there to calm the nerves). Before going out, Jeanna needed to stop by her work at the porn store. After finishing what she needed to get done, they stepped outside and shared their first kiss. Most might find this crazy, it was a first kiss outside of a porn store after all, but for them it was as if they had been touched by Cupid himself.

The end of the trip came and Consuelo had to return to Denver and what they thought was going to be a good time with new friends was starting to bud into something more. For the next year, they would go back and forth between Colorado and California, slowly building their relationship.

Right around Jeanna's birthday, Consuelo headed out as she had time and time before with a backpack and roll-on. Something was different this time though, she only had a one-way ticket. There were plans of her coming back, they just weren't sure of when. They shared a conversation and it was decided for Consuelo to stay. They had lots of fun, Consuelo started performing with a dance group and Jeanna continued with her Roller Derby and life was good.

While the past seven months had been great, there were issues financially and Consuelo's friends and support system were still in Denver. So Consuelo decided that it was for the best and they would both be happiest that for this next time that they both went to visit Denver to visit family and friends, Consuelo would stay in Denver. Alas, the distance between Consuelo and Jeanna was too much and they decided to break up. Even though they are no longer a couple, they have remained friends and their relationship will always have an influence on their lives in a positive way.

The End

Consuelo

I think a good place to start my story is a time in my life when I had this string of short term relationships. Nothing particularly serious. Definitely some heartbreaks and hard times but nothing was really clicking. I found myself in this cycle and finally hit a breaking point. I was done. I didn't want to date anymore. I wanted to be on my own and learn about myself and break the pattern that was quickly becoming habit.

I had a friend who was staying with me at the time and she had also noticed this string of dating going on. She encouraged me to take a break and in times when I thought I wanted to pursue something, when I thought I was ready to date, she quite bluntly told me that I wasn't ready. However annoyed that she was right, I stayed single. A couple of months later, my friend said it was like I woke up one morning and said, "I'm ready for a girlfriend."

Now at this time in my life I need to clue you in on some background. I was a graduate student getting my Physician Assistant certificate and Master's in Medical Science. I also, despite taking a break from dating, had a lingering interest in someone. It almost worked out. And then, with a slight slap in the face, it came to a screeching halt. Amidst all this drama, someone from my school had conned me into being a back up for a challenge bowl at the National Physician Assistant Conference, held this year in San Antonio, Texas. So thankfully, I got away for a week...And before I had even left, I told my friend, "I think I'm goign to meet someone at this conference."

So I finally get to the conference and just jump right in to all the events. The opening was awesome! The Spasmatics played-a Texas born 80's and 90's cover band and I had a great time with my classmates. Among all the events I found out that on Sunday there was a GLBT P.A. social event hosted by the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association. A peer of mine said he'd be happy to go with me. So we went!

We arrive at this bar on the outskirts of downtown San Antonio-much like Tracks is located in Denver. There were some opening speeches and we had a couple of drinks and began enjoying ourselves. Maybe two hours in and maybe two and a half drinks in, I noticed a woman walk in with a couple of her friends, and I immediately thought, "oh wow!" We kind of did that thing where I know she saw me and I saw her and I was just watching her but I was stuck in a conversation. Now, I know that they were talking about me, but back then, I just thought that it was very apparent that she was ready to go and her friends would not let her.

So I'm watching this take place and I say to myself-if she doesn't come say "hi" to me in the next five minutes, then I'll go say "hi" to her. And within a minute I felt a finger "tap tap tap" on my shoulder and I turn around and there she is and she sticks her hand out and says, "hi I'm Dayna, and I just wanted to say hi." And I said, "I'm Johnna," and I shook her hand and inquisitively looked at her and stated "you go to school in Albuqurque." And she looks at me funny and I continue, "but you live in Denver." And she gives me this look like, "oh shit!" or "uhhh I don't know what I just got myself into?!"

Everything clicks and the lights go off in my head and I exhuberantly reference myself and say, "I'M DOCTOR HOT PANTS!!" Again, received with a strange look from Dayna, I then back-pedaled, "no no no! That's my MySpace name. You asked me out for coffee about a month ago. And you know I wrote you back and I never heard back from you and I know that you're a PA student and you were doing surgery and I'm a PA student too so I figured you were busy." And she says-quite flatly, I might add, "You never wrote me back." And I said, "no no no I did. I know I did. I remember!" And she said again, "ummmm, you never wrote me back." And literally with a wave of my hand I said, "well it doesn't matter. We're here now."

Just to interject...I went back to my hotel the next day and she was totally right-I did not write her back! Woopsies!

Back to the bar. So I meet her friends, we hang out, we talk. Not too long after we met, her friends decide they are going to take off and we continue to chat and get to know each other. Out of nowhere we find ourselves in the spot light of a drag show very much enjoying ourselves and we have our first kiss with the spot light literally focused on us. The drag queen even called us out, "awww how cute!" So embarrassing! But it definitely makes for a good story :)

Basically we spent the rest of the of the conference together attending lectures, going to lunch, going to dinner, hanging out with friends. At the end of the week we got each other's information. She happened to be living in Albuqurque for a five week psychiatry rotation so we decided to keep in touch via phone until she returned home to Denver.

So we went our separate ways and I guess when I got home I had all my friends waiting for me to tell them some big news. I don't know where it happened or who I told first, but suddenly everyone knew I had met someone at the conference. My past interest cornered me at a club soon after and quite bluntly called me out by saying, "you're going to give your heart to this woman." My response was, "I don't know, but I kind of want to see where it goes."

Fast forward. Those five weeks flew by and Dayna returns to Denver and it's Pride weekend. She comes home and we have a date Thursday night and she takes me to Japon, (we love sushi)!
So here's the thing...it was sooo awkward. We hadn't seen each other since we met and it was really our first date. It's so funny now because we talk about how we both were felt like, "oh boy! Maybe this isn't what we thought it was?! Maybe it was just a whirlwind romance in San Antonio?!" I don't know why it was so awkward. Maybe it was just our mindset. I think we had connected so well in San Antonio and we probably both had high expectations. But the truth was-we really didn't know each other.

Thankfully it didn't take that long for the walls to come down and we found ourselves back in that familiar, although brief, first experience of pure connection.

So the next night, sometime before going to the women's party at Tracks, and I kind of...well we all know what happens at Pride...So I made sure to ask Dayna to be my girlfriend before the weekend started. She said yes :o)

Basically this began our relationship. It was like any other relationship. We talked, we hung out. We had sleep overs. She met my friends and I met her friends, we went to dinner, blah blah blah. Within three or four months, those friends of course that still haven't gone away, questioned the significane of our relationship. "What do you think of her? Do you love her? Are you going to spend the rest of your life with her?" And I, in a very vulnerable state, didn't know the answers to the questions. What I did know was that I never saw us breaking up. I never saw my life without her in it.

Our relationship wasn't without bumps and it was certainly with many conversations involving growing and learning together. In the first year of our relationship, there were five months where we weren't even in the same country because of our medical rotations. During this year when we were in the same town we lived in a studio apartment together on Cap Hill. What better way to know if you're compatible than to live in a 400-square foot room together?! But still we persisted and celebrated our 1-year anniversary at a friend's wedding in Minnesota where pictures that were taken of us eventually became our "Save-The-Date" card. Not to mention...The Spassmatics played at the wedding too. Not a coincidence. I'm convinced.

Instead of doing things in the traditional way, we decided to buy a house together. We went from living in a studio together to buying a house. Funny. Over time of course. (We did not do the Uhaul thing. Kind of, well, sort of...) We were in love! And we knew we were going to be together. It just felt natural. So we found the cutest little house in LoHi in September of 2009 and were moved in by October 23. Life was super-fantastic!

Shortly after moving in we planned a house-warming party for all our friends and family to come and see our humble little abode that we were so excited about. The events that followed were like someting out of a movie. It was just this pristine morning. Her sisters were there, my best friends were there, we were just this small intimate group. It was snowing outside and there was a Broncos game on-we were just enjoying the little family we had created. As party time arrived, our realtor and mortgage-broker showed up and I was wandering around the house showing them how we had settled in. I was in my comfy jeans and my "to-die-for" t-shirt and Marvin the Martian slippers when I realized that everybody was in the kitchen and Dayna was standing at the end of the hallway saying, "come here honey."

Me and my Marvin the Martian slippers scuffle down the hallway and I'm like "do do do" and I think, "how sweet, Tawny is going to take pictures!" So Dayna is like, "come here!" I get face-to-face with Dayna and am completely clueless and still do not realize everyone is in the kitchen with us. And Dayna says to me, "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She starts to get down on one knee and I say, "what are you doing?! What are you doing?!" And she says, "Will you marry me?!" and shows the ring in the classic fashion. And I just start crying and am speechless and she stands up and we hug and she asks, "so, uh, is that a yes?!" And I was like, "YES!!" Marvin the Martian slippers and all.

So less than a year later, we were married down on the Auraria Campus and we are still enjoying our cute little house in the Highlands. It's funny because I have been speaking to some friends about this-we have been married for five months now and coming up this spring we'll have been together for three years, and I'm just completely in awe at how perfectly hand crafted she is for me. We are both physician assistants, she's more calm, I'm more hyper. We talk nerdy to each other. We really, really complement each other. And there's no way to describe how perfect it all was and all is. Meeting your soul mate or "the one" is not always butterflies in your tummy and dreamy glances across the bar. It just is what it's supposed to be.

If I can give any sort of encouragement to any person of any gender, of any orientation, it is to spend time learning about yourself, learning how to take care of yourself, learning how to pursue your own dreams and desires so that when the time comes that your perfect match taps you on the shoulder, you've already taken care of the learning you need to do as a person and you can now learn together as a couple.

So when you feel yourself upset or jealous that someone took the girl you like or because you got turned down by the boy you wanted, step back and take time to work on your own growth and just let love happen. Because it will. I promise.

Johnna

I first fell in love when I was 18 and I had imagined that when I fell in love that it would be a really wonderful carefree experience. However, all I could about when I first realized I had fallen in love was, "shit!" I had fallen in love with my best friend, a member of my own sex and all I could think was, "No, no...Gay does not happen to me...Others can be gay, that's fine with me...but I am NOT gay!"

I had always lived the life that I felt was drawn for me. I dated boys, went to prom with boys, hooked up with boys and lost my virginity to a boy. This was so ingrained in my head that when I found myself feeling something for a woman, I couldn't imagine it possible. In fact, it was impossible.

So like many homos who start coming to terms with it... "no I'm not gay, I just found the right person. I fell in love with the person." I think that was a kind of coping mechanism. It was a way for me to adjust and help myself realize that maybe I wasn't going to be the norm. I continued this relationship for about 3 years and thought this was my end all be all. This was the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I had given myself to her in a way that no one else could understand. I had come out to my family and friends with her, and I had traveled that vulnerable road of either being accepted or not as a homorsexual person. There was no possible way that anyone else could love me or understand me in the way that she had. I not only had first fallen in love, but it was a life altering kind of situation. It was stepping out of the norm with someone for the first time, and truly fearing rejection from the people you know and love and others who were just complete strangers.

However, some good things actually have to come to an end. I was heart broken. I had grieved that love for so long, and it took years for me to come to terms with it. Better to have loved and lost. No. Absolutely not. It was years of an emotional roller coaster, but what was really an issue was the fact that I not only had to mentally get over the fact that I had been heart broken, but I had to challenge myself to come to terms with my sexuality. I had realized that I had used my relationship with her as a crutch. Which isn't to say that I had loved her any less, but I needed to be on my own and identify as a gay person without her. Because with her, I was a girl who had fallen in love with a girl. There was no other need to identify as gay, because I didn't need to look for anyone else.

For so long I had told myself, and my family that I had fallen in love with this particular woman, and that the gender was not the issue. I had made it clear that I wasn't gay, it was just that I had found a soul mate in a person that happened to be the same gender as my own. So the end of my relationship meant that I had to be true to myself. I knew that I wanted to be with a woman and I think that the people that I had told that I wasn't really 'gay' didn't really care. I was dating a woman, and that's what mattered. Essentially I was a gay woman in their eyes, but not in my own.

The breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. I eventually healed and found that I was ok with being alone. The biggest hurdle was the fact that I could be single and have the strength to call myself 'gay'. I wasn't a straight girl that happened to fall in love with another girl, I was a lesbian.

With everything that is going on around us, and the injustice that is happening all around us, I think the strongest way we can fight against it is being true to ourselves. When we lie to ourselves about who we are, how are we supposed to expect the people around us to accept us?

I fell in love for the first time when I was 18, and it taught me more about myself than I could ever imagine. Anyone who falls in love will feel vulnerable; because that is in essence what love is all about. But even when I was told from the beginning of my life to be true to myself, I had never really understood what that meant. I assumed it meant that I should do what I feel is right, but I never thought doing what was right would be the hardest thing I would ever do. Falling in love for the first time gave me the strength to accept myself in a way that would never have been possible without her, or without the complete cycle of love transforming into complete heartbreak. I am eternally grateful for that.

Ashley

Ha uu a (Sunrise)
By Crisosto Apache (Mescalero Apache)

I often think about how I found love in a bar, when a bar represented so many other things in my life. The loud mess of chaos, lit in the darkness. When it is cold or lonely outside, there is always refuge there and it welcomes anyone. All of my life I have heard bar stories from my relatives. As a child looking up at your relatives, everyone looks tall and happy.

My arrival in the big city about eleven years ago was small and as cliche as it sounds, only with the clothes on my back and one-hundred dollars in my pocket. The residue from bar-life can leave a person wondering aimlessly without purpose. To the point where he doesn't see disparity in front of him and the trail that it leaves like a shadow against the moonlight. Unknowingly I arrive in Colorado without any contacts, aside froma friend who lived in Boulder with his daughter.

My life and the drifting I have never seemed to mind. It was wherever I ended up. That is what I counted on. Self definition, identification and place of origin, are very important to Apache people. Our place on this earth was diminishing and I along with it. In my mind and inside my body I tossed out any feeling of concern and my relationship to the outer world because the outer world did not care about self definition, identity and place of origin according to the Apache people. As far back as I can remember I was always drifting. Recollecting places, fuzzy places with the scent of alcohol, cigarettes, porches and shouting. Places where I traveled as a child, people, faces and country unfamiliar to me. Now these places, I come to understand were real places and imagined.

My mother has a strong memory and would often tell me stories of my childhood and hers. My self-identification comes from these stories and from her voice. Her life has the same drifting pattern as mine like sand drifting over a small dune being carried by the wind. The beautiful relationship between air and space propels us elsewhere with unknowing destinations. Timeless Native vagabonds and gypsies. Our lives were similar, my mother and I as well as the lives of my siblings. We took endless trips to the convenient stores in town, emptying out our pockets of our bi-weekly paychecks and monthly stipends. At the time that was the life to live. Every place that I resided I reminded myself of home. My reservation is what is left of a culture that was almost wiped out of existence. I come from a long line of warriors and realized recently what my calling in life was. I also realized that this path which has been laid before me will not be an easy road for I have lived much of my early life in selfishness. Now I have an obligation to my people and other Native people, which to help them tell their stories.

Upon arriving to Denver I was not looking for love but had thought I had found it not realizing love was a two way street. The man I thought was the love of my life only turned out to be a mirage, a figment of my imagination. We did the domestic thing for awhile because that's what couples are supposed to do according to the western tradition. An identification and fulfillment of the male and female roles was what we were supposed to emulate. This ideology would never work with those guidelines in the western world, mostly because we could not figure out who was going to be the man and who was going to be the lady. These constrictions can leave a relationship in turmoil because they are ideals that are strictly black and white and very linear. Our relationship was doomed to failure. I had not found love.

I had given up on the idea of love and tried on the suit of lust for size. It seemed more ideal for the life I was born with. Growing up in and out of the western world made me forget where I was from and who I was. It is like melting butter. Everyone knows how good it tastes in everything but the process that it has to take to incorporate it's succulent nature is insoluble. You cannot separate its origin from the end result and the processes it takes to mature. I am not calling myself butter by any means because I am not as good.

It wasn't until I was convinced to attend stripper night at one of the local gay bars that had run into what is to be my destiny. It wasn't that exciting because the evening I choose to go was not in fact stripper night but kareoke night. I was very confused. The bar was filled with half-tanked people who thought they were singing sensations that evening. Who would have guessed that night would last ten years?

I was having a conversation with my mother and she was explaining to me the importance of Sunrise and how much power it has for Apache people. It is our place of origin and desitnation into the next world. It has a place of honor, regeneration and remembrance. It is important everyday to face the east and ask Haishu nagukaande, the Sunrise People, for strength. It was then that my self-identification became apparent. I was no longer a part of the Western world as a gay American Indian and was reborn and reintroduced into my Apache culture as nde isdzan, (Two Spirit). Through this journey I was also glad that my family held onto the tradition of acceptance of "Two Spirit" people and that they were also accepting of my relationship with my non-Native partner. This relationship has felt right from the beginning and I knew so when I took my partner down to my reservation for our ceremonial. He was accepted by my relatives and was able to help out with the preparation of our meals. Feeding the public is a high honor in my culture and the family who prepares the food was honored as well. He was shown some of the traditional aspect of food preparation and blessings. Because my tribe is matrilineal everything is passed through the women. Because we were Two Spirit we were allowed to help out in the cooking arbor. Sharing my tradition with my partner has become a huge part of my life and it makes me happy to share that aspect of my life without our indifferences.

It is difficult to live in the Western world far away from your family, far away from your traditions and culture. To see another Native in the city is delightful but to meet another Apache, no matter what band or region, beyond delight. Gaining strength and holding on to your Native identity in the Western world but it is even more difficult to hold onto your identifying tribe, in my case Apache, is even more difficult. When I hear the Apache language or Apache songs I melt. When I do not hear it I am closed. Every day I walk through the Western world I am reminded of who I am. Sometimes it is good sometimes it is bad. When it is bad I need strength and can't wait for sunrise, so that I can commune with my ancestors and ask for strength and daily guidance. They speak to me and remind me that "Niya", "I am here" and "Guuzhu gu Nagu iinda i", "Life is good".

Crisosto

Just keep loving
By: Just Me
Me: Mom I...I'm bisexual
Mom: It's okay....your sister was anorexic. I still love you.

I was 17 when I came out to my parents but I had known for years. All of my friends knew that I loved the ladies but kissed boys because it was easier, well I guess I mean they were easier. Women are beautiful, mysterious, sexy, complicated, and the only gender I could actually see myself falling in love with.

There wasn't a single moment that I fell in love with her but more of a continual growing magnetic urge to be around her. Two problems though; she was my boss and she was married...to a man.

It wasn't supposed to happen, it shouldn't have happened and neither of us asked for it to happen. But it did. She needed a shoulder to talk to. Not cry on she isn't a crier like I am. There were things going on in her life that nobody seemed to notice or care about. Her friends never seemed to notice that she was sad. Just because someone is obnoxiously outgoing and confident doesn't mean they are happy. How did her friends not see what she was really feeling? I guess that is how we first connected.

Then it turned sexual. Just a peck on the lips when she dropped me off at home after I had too many beers to drive but not enough to make a move myself. She kissed me and I thought, 'huh, odd.' That was all and I shut the passenger door and went inside. Then came the flirting.

Flirting is so dangerous and exciting and in this case, the point of no return. I couldn't help but flirt back when she looked at me or push into her when she walked by. After a night of bar drinking she decided to accompany me home while I walked my bike. We extended the twenty minute walk into a three hour very exciting make-out-on-top-of-cars midnight stroll. Our connection was sexual and hidden but I always knew she would become my forever. I know you won't believe it and that is totally fine, but I do have morals I just couldn't listen to one of them for a little bit of time. They say you can't control who you love and I believe that because I lived through it. I lost friends, broke people's trust and everybody told me I ruined a marriage. Guilt washed over me constantly but the love washed over me endlessly more. I breathed it in and out when something hurt too much and waited patiently for the final outcome. We say our anniversary is SF PRIDE 2009 because that is when we could finally live the life we were meant to share together.

The Gay Ending

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