I'm not sure as a child I knew what love was, in fact, I am not sure even to this day that I know what love is. I don't believe in the heart dropping, butterflies in the stomach completely enamored kind of "in love" many people purport to experience. I heard a lot about love being raised in a two parent Christian home, especially agape love. It's an interesting concept that can be briefly described as a divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. My parents demonstrated this kind of love to me and my siblings our entire lives by always loving and supporting us - even when we broke rules and I came out.

I don't put much stock in feelings as shown on TV or we read about in books because they seem ethereal and fleeting. With that being said, I have found true one important caveat in my life that may be considered a facet of love, according to the idea of agape. That is committment.

My friends would say this is an odd word for me to use because I am a self-proclaimed and many times chastised committment-a-phobe.

Committment is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as the following:

1 a: an act of committing to charge or trust: as (1): a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2): an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee b: mittimus
2 a: an aggreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially: an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b: something pledged c: the state or instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a committment to a cause>

Obviously, the first definitions is not the one I'm concerned with. The second is. Unwittingly all of my adult life, I have been committing to people on different levels. First date, undefined whatever, casually dating, survivor, f**k buddy, friends with benefits, best friend, confidant, girlfriend/boyfriend (depending on my personal mood or gender preference at that stage in life), someone who will be there, provider, fiance, live in partner, domestic partner, joint account sharer and the list goes on.

We all have been one of these at different times. I am a biological woman who has enjoyed committing on varying levels to many woman over the course of my life. In every interaction I was shaped and learned so much from each of them, as I hoped they learned from me. I have bettered as a person and partner due to every word exchanged (harsh or kind), from every adventure taken, from every glance stolen and every memory shared. Today I can say that I am in the most seriously committed and non ambiguous relationship in my life, which I never would have been able to say had it not come for the women before.

With that said, I am not very different than most people: straight, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, transgendered, intersex etc. We all commit on some level to something at some point in time.

Natalie