30 Minutes of Something Wonderful

Movies have been a source of escape for me my entire life. As long as I can recall, I have found myself lost in them. Lost in the possibility that it could be me on the other side of that screen. Me living that impossible dream. I have always been disheartned by those who say that love cannot possibly be like the movies. That the notion itself is unrealistic. Life doesn't happen like the movies. But somewhere deep inside, I always believed it could. And then it did.

Technology is an incredible thing. In today's world it more often than not draws us away from each other. It occupies our time in negative ways. We don't interact person to person. We socialize machine to machine. However, thanks to technology, I found her. My co-star. My leading lady. Or so I thought. I had just come out of a four year relationship. Kaput. It was over. It was over due to my discovery of her infidelity via this wondrous technological cave we dwell in. Yes, I invaded her privacy. Yes, that was crossing a boundary. And yes, she was cheating on me.

Here is where it gets a little wild. Her new love interest was in the same field of work and initially I just put off their friendliness to that aspect. The other woman was engaged and ha been in a relationship of ten years.  Ten. Uno, dos, tres...you get it. A decade. Anywho, I revealed nothing upon my discovery of said infidelity. Hell, the woman lived two states away. We were all friends on ye old Facebook and so I simply friended her fiance. Mainly in jest that the fiance and I could post on each other's walls and show our other halves how foolish they were being. Still, I knew what was going on and the poor fiance was clueless.

Time marched on and the fiance began to ask me questions about things. I did not want to add any fuel to the fire that I was unsure may have even existed. I was single and free. She was about to marry someone she thought she knew. And, she knew her alright. Eventually, I revealed my knowledge and her heart was broken. We began confiding in each other via email and Facebook. We texted often. And eventually, we talked in real time on the phone. Our phone visits became more frequent and she was trying to figure out what to do with this mess she had found herself in.

She called me in the moments of frustration. She called me from the park by the river when she needed to get out of the house and away to think. She was lost. Her world had just been flipped and I was the one who flipped it. I felt guilty but here she was wanting to know more. More about me. About what I knew. And I was finding myself strangely attracted to that.

My previous four year relationship was my first girlfriend. I met her when I was twenty seven. I had not yet come to the realization of my love for women. Of course, once I did, my life began to make sense. I honestly thought that maybe  I had found what I had been missing. I had never dated guys growing up or even had any interest in them other than close friendships. I was a tried and true Gold Star if there ever was one. Never even kissed a guy. But what I did not know was that she was not THE one. We worked well enough and it was not unpleasant on the whole but it wasn't what was meant for me. I was unaware.

Back to the fiance. Our texting became insane. Ridiculous even. I'm talking teenager insane. In the thousands per month. It was my drug. My connection to this person I only knew via technology. I saw pictures, yes but it was her being that was drawing me in. Her voice. The way she sounded when she talked with me. The way she trusted me.

After a couple of months of this banter back and forth, we decided to meet. She had not completely rid herslef of her other half. They had lived together ten years. A houseful of a decade of living together. That is not erased quickly. But she made the decision to drive throught two states and spend a weekend with me. And now thinking about it. This weekend is the one year anniversary of the weekend. Irony. And maybe fate is intervening in this moment creating this as a release for me to let it go once and for all. Shit, guess I just ruined the outcome...

So, the day she was to drive down was full of anticipation for me. I was in a new flat starting over and coming out of my relationship. I did not have much in my new place but what I had was perfectly placed and ready for her arrival. I live in a locked building. I would have to buzz her in but we had decided to meet at my door. First sighting. I had even covered the peep hole on my door from the outside so that I did not have an unfair advantage.

She called me just outside of downtown to get better directions and I actually saw her car pass my building. I could not see her but knowing she was in that car as I looked from my fifth floor window was enough to make my heart explode. She parked and told me she was on her way in. That was the longest five minutes I can recall (my stomach is currently in waves recalling it). She knocked. I stood on the other side of the door and in that split second had no idea what was in store. Nor did she.

I partially opened the door and peeked around. Her face had such a look of relief. Of release. I opened the door and as she walked through and dropped her bags, I fell into her arms and I had never felt more at home. It is like I had been submerged and finally was given permission to come up and breathe. It was something I had never experienced. And in that moment, I realized how love was supposed to feel.

There were no words. Just holding each other as we stood. Had we not had each other to hold, I am certain we both would have collapsed.

There is so much beyond the words I could put to this but here I sit one year (nearly to the day) later recalling this moment that was my movie scene and how the whole brief relationship blew by. I can't even begin to count how many movie scenes I lived out in those short months but they were there. I had them. I HAVE them. They are tucked away in the recesses of my mind. But for her, she was waiting for that dramatic climax. That was a turning point because for her the movie had to have a plot twist. Her previous movies always did. But it never came. She waited and it never came. I was a constant. I was the happily ever after and she knew it. But she ended the scene. She wasn't ready for the happily ever after. She yelled, "CUT!"

Steel Magnolias is one of my all time favorite movies. The killer moment for me is the scene where Shelby and her mom argue about her pregnancy. If you are not familiar with the movie, you need to know that her body was not capable of handling a pregnancy. Her mother knew this and upon the recent announcement was not thrilled. Her baby was going to have a baby and it could kill her. No mother would be, I suppose. But the tear jerker is when Shelby asks her mom to recall the one thing she always told her children growing up. What was the one thing that she always wished for her children. Her mother says that all she had ever wished is for them to be happy. That's it. And to that, Shelby tells her mother, "Momma, I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." I cry. Every. Single. Time.

Stef, you were my 30 minutes. I will never forget you but I must let you go. I now know how love can be and should be. But you were not my leading lady. You were the stand in and the film was not yet complete. My lady was not yet cast. However, I am currently (thanks to technology) getting to know my leading lady. She lives abroad. And I am very excited about this foreign film...

Tara

The other morning my friend Robyn and I met for brunch to enjoy delicious food while discussing love. I quickly explained the intention of the blog to Robyn and she began by telling me about her coming out experience.

She started by retelling me that when she began realizing that she was in fact a lesbian, true to her Gemini nature, she began researching coming out and being gay. At the age of 27 it dawned on her that  she was gay-something that had never occurred to her before. According to Robyn, 'I had no idea that I was gay until I kissed that girl.'

Over eggs, oatmeal, green chili and tea, Robyn and I discussed the idea of love-the love that breaks down all the pre-conceived notions of what a relationship should be and how one should act in a relationship.

Robyn discussed her current relationship and how at the age of 45, her fiancee challenged her in ways that she never knew to be possible. These challenges had a way of unwinding all of the protective shit that had been wrapped around her for years. Despite becoming unglued, if you will, by the sharing and revealing of self, and breaking down of walls, Robyn admitted this to be gift.

Allowing someone into your deepest, darkest, most painful secrets and life experiences can be scary to say the least, but the gift that Robyn was referring to was giving all of your self to your partner. True love is waking up next to someone without make-up, sleep in the eyes, complete with morning breath and having your partner smile and tell you that you are beautiful.

Being with another person, truly being with someone, is allowing for and accepting these moments. You can't wake up before the person to put on your make-up and brush those teeth everyday for the rest of your life, nor should you; you have to allow that person to see you for who you really are. Spending your life with someone, for the rest of your life will include sickness, tantrums, fights, mental breakdowns and morning breath. Allowing someone to see these moments and these sides of you, that is love.

One trick, Robyn revealed, is to go out and accept that love. Too many times do the pre-conceived notions and walls built from past experiences get in the way or prevent us from receiving the love that is presented to us. Making ourselves vulnerable and letting those walls down can be terrifying due to past judgement but allowing yourself to be loved is the key here. Remember that you are in fact worthy of that love.

In terms of being Out, Robyn admitted that she figured any event, advertised as gay or not, is gay if she arrives. It is gay enough if she is there. Robyn has written on the subject of pride and having and living pridefully Out after our designated weekend of celebrating, and she has had people respond that they are not defined by their sexuality. Although Robyn agrees with this statement, she argues that one reason why she lives so very Out is that because society stills assumes that people are heterosexual until proven otherwise. Sure there maybe other aspects to one's personality and lifestyle other than sexuality, but one's sexuality is still a very important part of the person and because of this one should in fact be prideful and Out.

Sure we still live in a society where some promote hate and pass judgement but part of having pride is being Out. As was said earlier, the love is there, even when it comes to living an Out lifestyle. Receive it! Go Out and grab the love!

Check out Robyn's BlogSpot at thejoyofbeingyou.blogspot.com

Robyn Vie-Carpenter