Anger was always a difficult emotion for me to feel. To express. To acknowledge. For the majority of my life I swallowed my anger, not wanting to make ripples or to make anyone else uncomfortable. I convinced myself that I was not an angry person.

Due to certain life events, my anger eventually surfaced and I began to realize it's root and even it's importance in my life. After I came out and the three years since, I feel like my anger has only exemplified. Never have I been hated on sight. Being told that I am and my friends and partner are going to Hell and are perverts incenses me. Not having the same legal rights and protections under the law makes my blood boil.

I was taught that if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. This was a very important moral instilled within me and I took it very seriously. I still do to this day. I treat people with respect and am polite and do my best not to judge, and I expect the same courtesies in return. As I grew and began to enter the adult world leaving behind my sheltered, privileged bubble of childhood innocence, I witnessed first hand that this expectation was not valued by all. This was an eye opening experience that to this day, still shocks me to my core.

Over this past year, after experiencing blatant discrimination in my place of work and the lack of support I had, I am afraid that my anger is intesifying. I feel like my anger is turning into a sort of rage akin to that of the Hulk that just wants to SMASH. A Leo through and through my image is very important to me and I have a hard time not being liked by, well, everyone I meet. (I realize this is my own insecurity that I am ardently working on to let go of). Being an out lesbian is a target and there are some that judge and hate me on sight alone.

I have seen anger fester inside people, eating them alive and I do not want to become this person. Alas, two struggles that I have within me are forgiveness and letting things go. I am a control freak and this beast within me, no matter how often quelled and subdued, always finds a way to rear it's ugly head and almost take control of me. Not to forsake responsibility, but I seriously feel like this is a force that is greater than me that I cannot master and it frightens me.

While at my last place of employment, when all of the discrimination was taking place, a like minded coworker suggest that I create and implement a tolerance building and cultural diversity lesson plan. I immediately loved this idea and set to work. I researched many different human rights advocates throughout history and presented their accomplishments to the students and we had many amazing discussions.

Nelson Mandela was one of these advocates that we studied in class. I had seen the movie Invictus when in came out and ever since then I have had a fascination/slight obession with the man and his humanity. Here is a man who was imprisoned in his home country for 27 years while fighting an Apartheid and upon release was voted into presidency. The first man of color to achieve this reality. When voted in, the country was still very much divided racially but he had the grace to unite the two factions and bring the country together.

If this man, who experienced racism, imprisonment and all sorts of other mental and physical tortures while being stripped of all of his rights, could come out on the other side uniting the country and ending an Apartheid, then I as a teacher who still has the majority of my freedoms and rights can learn to forgive and move forward as well.

I work in the mental health field and am often told and do believe that anger is a false emotion. Looking at my own anger it is easy for me to admit that my anger is a result of being hurt and also of being afraid. I am hurt by the treatment of others as well as the lack of empathy I experience. I am afraid that things will not change for me and that someday they may even get worse. I realize after years of self-discovery and self-evaluation that my anger is a defense mechanism. I become angry to make the "other" the villain and me the righteous hero as well as by pushing them away. If they are gone then they can't hurt me, right?! I see that if someone hurts me or makes me angry, I immediately write them off and build a wall to protect myself from them. I make them my enemy and myself the victim. Their cause is evil, while my cause is just.

Like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi is a favorite human of mine. His strength through the conviction of his beliefs inspires me to this day. A man of peace and love was able to change an entire nation without force or violence. He said, "When you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love."

I have struggled with this words on and off. Part of me sees the truth behind them; but then there is the other part of me that feels like since I am the one being oppressed, it should not be my job to make the situation better. This part of me believes that I am in the right and the other person is in the wrong, therefore it is the responsibility of that person to change his or her ways.

A good friend once told me that I can only clean up my side of the street. I need to let that control freak part of me go and work on me because that is the one and only thing I can in fact control. I can try to educate someone or present a different point of view to a person, but that is where it ends. Just as I do not want someone to force me into believing one thing, I cannot force another to believe something I want. Another moral my mother taught me was 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. Lastly, from my own experience when a person approaches me with anger and judgement, I become defensive. Rather, when a person comes at me with love, patience and an open mind, then we can often have a discussion, even if we disagree.

Gandhi also said that "We must be the change we want to see in the world" and I whole heartedly agree. If I let my anger get the better of me than I am doomed to beome an angry person contributing to fights and judgements and yelling. No progress or change can result here. But if I can learn to love despite and through my anger then maybe I can make change. Not necessarily on a global level, but for myself and in my life. And if I change myself maybe I can make changes in how I interact with others. Maybe a domino effect?

Although this sounds grand, to this day, remembering love while I am angry is still one of the most difficult lessons I am continuing to struggle with. It is a daily process that involves constant work. Even though I am not there completely, I can feel a slight shift within me. There are changes, small, but they are there. Yes I still experience discrimination and it pains me every time, I will not allow myself to become apathetic to it, but I am committed to making a change. I will not give up the fight for my equality. I will however change how I fight.

Mandela was imprisoned for conspiracy to overthrow the Apartheid. When he came out of prison however, instead of using phsyical tactics as he had previously used, he changed to mental tactics. He utilized love, acceptance and forgiveness. Weapons that his enemies were unprepared for and ultimately could not fight. He won them over by killing them with kindness.

I want to be like Mandela. Like him, I want my greatest weapon and strength to be love and forgivenss.

Mia