There are moments in history, both good and bad, uplifting as well as tragic, which leave lasting imprinted memories on people. For me some of these memories include the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake, the moments when I found out that Princess Dianna and Biggie Smalls had died, and the night that President Barack Obama was elected president in 2008. I have always loved studying and learning about history and have very much enjoyed hearing first hand accounts from elder people in my life recalling their memories of when these such moments occurred. The falling of the Berlin Wall, when Kennedy and MLK Jr. were assassinated, or the decade long Vietnam War.

The past two days I have been glued to my computer listening to live feeds of the testimonies from the Supreme Court cases regarding Prop8 and DOMA, debating with people about the moral and consitutional framework for these issues and genrally being shocked and pleased with the amount of the support that can be seen on computers and televisions.

FaceBook has 'turned red' in support for marriage equality not only from members of the LGTBQI community but from straight allies as well. Many people argue that we in today's American society are addicted to our technology and lack human connection. Be this as it may, one benefit of this technology is the social movement. I have seen and read many different opinions about changing profile pictures but for me it is an issue of solidarity. Being a member of a minority population that does not have legal protections or rights in my state, I often feel that people do not support me and my rights. Seeing how quickly all of the profile pictures changed however, reminded me that there are so many people that do in fact support this cause that is so personal to me and thousands of others.

This morning a dear friend texted me expressing frustration over a family member that was challenging her and her sexuality and once again passing judgement upon her lifestyle. My first response was to remind her to breath and my second was to remind her to return the judgement with love, to be the change she wishes to see. I admit that I often fall victim to these heated debates as my passion usually gets the better of me, but I reminded her that we are fortunate to be gay, fighting for our rights today.

I have friends in different generations that came out decades ago in a time when there was little to no gay right's movement at all and their experiences are full of struggle and difficulty. There are so many stories where gay people got married to a member of the opposite gender because being gay and out wasn't an option back then. LGTBQI-ers were mocked and ridiculed and there were absolutely no legal protections for this group of people. Rather, there were laws in place that discriminated against and persecuted this population which created great oppression.

The Stonewall Riots were not all that long ago, especially considering that there is evidence of homosexual activity that dates back thousands of years. In the forty some odd years since Stonewall, American society has made great progress in protecting, recognizing and enfranchizing members of this community. Today there are 9 states as well as the Distric of Colombia that allow same-sex marriage. There are many public figures and celebrities that are endorsing equal rights for the LGTBQI population as well as courts that are overturning laws that promote discrimination and oppression.

As a child I became angry and upset very quickly when issues were not solved immediately, and my mother always reminded me that change and progress are slow moving processes. Sure there is still the instant gratification part of me that demands that change occur now, but I must remind myself that progress is progress and 1 small step forward is still a movement in the direction of change. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Sometimes I think it is easy to miss small changes when focused on the major change. There have been very small victories in my personal life that mean just as much as the major changes that have occurred. One of my coworkers told me awhile back that he used to use discriminatory language and didn't think twice about it. After listening to me and hearing how these words affected me, he decided to change and encouraged others to do the same. For me this was a small change that could have a bigger outcome and it meant the world.

Change is terrifying for so many different people. Change can be new and uncomfortable, that is why so many are so resistant. Forcing someone to change immediately can cause a defensive reaction and the resistance may become stronger; whereas simply suggesting change may produce a more open response that in turn could result in a potential to change. Over the past couple of years, I have heard about so many situations in which someone was completely against LGTBQI rights but after interacting with people within this community and getting to know them as individuals, these same people's views began to broaden and change.

Sick to my stomach with nerves and anxiety, I am terrified of the outcome of these two cases. The majority of this nation supports equality, but there are those, some being on the Supreme Court, that are arguing that change may be coming too quickly. Of course I hope that the Supreme Court will overturn both laws and we will be one step closer to true equality, but there is part of me that is scared to get my hopes up. At the end of the day, I know that the past couple of days will be some of those moments that will be recorded in history that I may be teaching about someday in the future.

No matter the outcome, I am proud to be alive in this moment.

Mia

It has been almost two years since my first entry to this blog in which I reflected on my own personal struggle with being a codependent in and to relationships. I am responsible for my own actions and have no one else to blame, but I do believe that we as Americans live in a society that fosters codependent mentalities. From movies to TV shows and music lyrics to magazine articles, the majority of these messages are how to find a partner, how to better yourself in order to find a partner and ultimately how to keep a partner happy. There are very few messages within our society that champion being single and independent, especially for women.

In that first post I discussed how my best friend dubbed me a love addict and that love was my drug. Having returned from a lovely weekend celebrating his 10th sober birthday I have been thinking a lot about addiction, and this all consuming disease. I attended a crystal meth anonymous meeting with him in order to give him a cake, and a man shared his story of use and coming to sobriety. He said something that struck me. He talked about the insanity in his head that results when he used. Along with his insanity, he talked about how self centered his thinking and behavior was when he used and how his addiction controlled both his thoughts as well as his actions.

When thinking about addiciton, most people connotate addiction with drugs and/or alcohol but from my own past and experiences I know that people can be addicted to much more than just drugs and alcohol. This particular friend of mine has always said that he is so glad that I never had the urge to use drugs and alcohol because I have the mentality of an addict. I am self-centered, my ego is huge and more often than not I make any situation about me. Furthermore I have insecurities as well as many self-hating thoughts and because I have not always respected myself, I have not always made respectable choices. Although I may not have been a typical addict that used meth or cocaine to get high, my addiction has been to love.

From the moment I met someone new, she was it. She was the one. I would fall fast and hard. I would get lost in the high of the newness of the relationship and the rest of the world would slip away from me. When telling friends about her the first thing out of my mouth would be, "we had an instant connection and I don't think anyone has ever gotten me so quickly." The most important thing was this new relationship. More specifically, the high that I was getting from this new relationship. The flirting, those first kisses, the pillow talk and the butterflies were all reinforcers of this high that I could not shake. I wanted these reinforcers all day, every day and I would put this new relationship first in order to feel these highs.

I would text this new person during work. I would cancel plans with friends so that I could see her. I would spend every waking moment thinking about how and when I would see her next, obsessing about the high I felt as a result of interacting with her. Receiving texts and surprises always resulted in a mini high, but nothing like actually getting to see and touch this new woman. No matter the distance or my schedule, I would drive miles and hours chasing that high. I didn't care. It was all in the name of love.

Like clockwork the high would eventually begin to subside. We would get to know one another and the butterflies would die off. I became more desperate trying to recreate the initial high, working harder in order to recreate it. Because the inital high was wearing off I became more desperate to recreate the first high and became more entranced with the relationship.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, for me the high was never the same or as strong and the relationship would start to fizzle. Like the good love addict that I am, even though I was aware of this, I held on. Although I knew that the relationship was doomed and should end, it was more scary to let go of my addiction and the relationships even though it was not working and was unhealthy for me. A friend of my friend this weekend said that in the midst of an addiction, life becomes shit. Although life maybe shit, it is still comfortable to lie in that shit. The trick is recognizing that shit is shit and we don't have to lie in it anymore.

The one man who shared his story at the meeting touched on a sensitive subject for me. Self-esteem. He mentioned that he didn't like himself in fact he hated himself so he used. He used so he wouldn't have to feel or be aware. I know that I used relationships to distract myself from how I felt about myself in a similar fashion. I didn't like myself and I used relationships to validate myself. I internalized that if someone was with me and loved me, then I must be lovable.

I hit my rock bottom about two and a half years ago. I was in an unhealthy relationships, traveling every weekend and leaving my life behind. A couple of months in I knew the relationship was ending and that I was losing myself and my mom gently urged me to end the relationship because I was no longer happy. I heard what she was saying, but I was not ready to deal with it. Ending the relationship meant that I would have to deal with myself, something I desperately did not want to do. Needless to say the relationship ended a week later and this was the best thing that could have happened to me.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over, expecting a different result and this had become my life. I kept falling head first into relationships, completely and willingly losing myself hoping that the nextg relationship would be different. It never was. In fact they were only getting worse. After this relationship ended and realizing how far codependent I had become, I finally allowed myself to be single. To be sober from my addiction. Sure the first couple of days were riddled with anxiety attacks and sorrow, but like they say in the program, just hang on. Take it one day at a time. One minute if you have to.

Before long being single became easier for me, fun even. I rediscovered my life-my work, my friends and family and me time as well. Selfishly I could do what I wanted when I wanted and I didn't have to consider anyone else. This was new for me. I was constantly revolving my life around someone else and now I was only focusing on me. All that money I spent on that other person was now spent on me. I was dating myself and having a blast. I began to value myself and even like myself and through this I developed standards and expectations that were important to me in a relationship.

After nine months of being single, life threw me a curveball. I met someone. I was very hesitant at first. I finally found my strength and singledom, I didn't want to give it up. Like they say however you find love when you are least expecting it and so did I. A year and a half later we are still in a relationship and I am the happiest I have ever been. Although I still have moments of codependency, I have learned to let those go. I can be with her, while still maintaining my own life and this has made us stronger and happier. The pressure of being each other's one and only is gone becuase we have others, ourselves as well as each other.

Because I now respect myself, I can set limits without fear. Prior to this relationship I was too scared to stand up for myself and be honest because I didn't want to push my partner away. I was too afraid of losing that person to be true to myself. My girlfriend has even said that she appreciates that I can keep her in line and I feel the same. We have honest communication and respect one another and even though we have more difficult moments, we work our way through them. We are ourselves with each other and not trying to be someone else. We accept our differences and learn and grow from them.

One pivatol moment for me occurred about a year ago. We had plans to fly to Oklahoma City to surprise a friend for her birthday. The night before I came down with a horrendous stomach flu and could not go. The day of departure, we were both stressed about her leaving but decided that it was best if my girlfriend went. She rarely gets to see her friends and had spend money and I was an adult and could take care of myself. This moment was both terrifying but also liberating for me because it was a moment that I had to depend on myself. All this to say, I got through that weekend and now know that I can take care of myself.

I hope I have not offended anyone by comparing my love addiction to that of drugs and alcohol, but I see many similarities between the two. I can relate to so many people in the program talking about their dependence on their drug and use and it sounds oh so familiar to me. I don't consider myself sober but I recognize that I do have an addictive personality that needs to be kept in check. Like so many people in The Program, I need to work a program in order to stay sane and fucntional. I have worked some steps with my friend, particularly around fear and resentment and I have learned so much from these exercises.

All this to say I have learned that I can be in love and still be independent. I can still be myself while being with another person. A woman of great extremes, I have had difficulty finding a balance. I have had difficulty giving part of myself to another person, while maintaingin some for me. The most important thing I have learned is that in some of my most desperate moments be it physical, or emotional struggle, I can depend on myself. I can rely on someone, but not entirely.

One last, very important detail. Just because I have found happiness through independence, does not mean that I can stop working my program and forget what I have learned. I need where I have been so that I don't go back there. My friend has seen many of his friends relapse because they have stopped working their programs. I know that if I stop working my program I will fall back into my addiction of codependency. It has happened before and it can happen again. I had to admit to myself that I am powerless over love and when combined with my larger than life ego, I need to be careful.

The speaker at the crystal meth anonymous meeting shared that he was so happy being sober. Despite all the work it has been so worth it and he would never want to go back to his life of using. He said he felt free. Looking back he realized the drugs were holding him captive and I can relate. My dependency on relationships were holding me back and now that I have found myself, I am freed. After years of hard work, soul searching, therapy, moving one step forward and two steps back, through many ups and downs, I have gotten myself to a wonderful place. I am committed to an incredible partner and am sharing my life with her. This has been the greatest gift of my life and I am proud to say that I earned it. I have never worked so hard for something and am still working constantly. Even though I am giving much of myself to her, I am still remembering myself for me. It is my hope and goal that I will never again lose myself in another person.

I know I was under the impression that once I found this healthy relationship, that would be that. I would have found my happily ever after ending and it would have just been given to me. Life doesn't work this way. One must work for that happily ever after ending and not expect that it will simply happen. Furthermore, once that ending has been found, it is something that must continued to be worked on. Very little in life is given, rather it must be maintained.

For 10 years my friend has worked for his sobriety and to this day he considers himself an addict so that he will not forget himself. Many in The Program consider addiction a life-long disease. Although it can be overcome, it cannot be forgotten. I myself have worked for two and a half years now to remind myself that I too am an addict, my drug just so happens to be love and codependency. I have learned how to function in a relationship and have found balance here. In those moments of fear, sorrow, desperation and anger, I cannot only rely on her. I must also rely on me. Finally. It has not been easy, but it has been achieved.

My new high these days, is the high I find within myself. Within the life that I have created for myself. Yes, she contributes to my high, but she is not it. I am.

Mia