Hello...my name is Bill and I'm a 50 year old male. I happpen to be a family member of your blog owner. When I was asked to write this, it made me reflect on my adult life and I realized, like everyone, I had some really good times and some bad ones too....!!!! But, all in all, I've had a good life so far.

I've been lucky enough to have two long term relationships and am now in another....we celebrated our one year anniversary in January. In the two long term relationships, I was younger and truly thought I had met the loves of my life and wanted them to be the idyllic "white picket fence" type we all search and yearn for. I won't say "sadly enough" they didn't work out that way but they ended for different reasons.

In my first relationship, he was 11 years older than I and a very successful business person. I was 22 years old and thought I had it all. We had a house in the Hollywood Hills and one in Laguna Beach....we had great friends and life was good. Our friends thought we had everything going for us; behind the scenes it was far from it. In the beginning, my ex was the life of the party. He would tell jokes, laugh, and all in all, have a fun time all the while drinking. The drinking got worse and worse over the years until it got to be unberable. I tried all sorts of things to make it work...and to his credit he tried also. He went to rehab two times, reluctantly, because his job made him go. One of the times, he was in rehab and I got a phone call from him. He wasn't supposed to have a phone...this was before cell phones...but there he was on the phone. He called to tell me "how bad it was in here so I didn't do this to anyone else." After that call, although it took a little more than a year, we broke up. I was sad but I knew it was the right decision. We had been together for nine and a half years and I walked away from everything.

The second was probably the best in many ways but the hardest too....over the 11 years we were together, I checked my "person" at the door and never allowed myself to grow. This hurt both of us in the end and I felt horribly we ended negatively...over the years we have resolved everything. He was a very good man but not the best at showing affection and I'm a very affectionate person. We followed his job up and down the East Coast because he made so much more than I did. I had a good career going when we lived in Washington D.C. but had to leave it so we could move to New York. At the time, I was hurt and angry but didn't show it nor talk about it much. This I realized was a huge mistake and started us on the downward trend...this was truly my fault. I started drinking a little more and had a couple of affairs thinking I could find myself but in the most inappropriate ways. What I didn't know until later was he was having trysts too, but to his defense, it was due to my behavior. Five years ago, I received a job offer for a position in Texas. After some discussion, I made the move. It was very difficult splitting up everything...espcially the dogs and cats.

At the time, I thought I had made a good decision...and I did. I was able to find myself again, went into therapy, got back into competitive tennis and focused on Bill for the first time in my life. I realized it was okay to be selfish as long as you didn't hurt anyone. Through therapy, I was able to discover things about myself I knew but didn't want to face; now that I've faced my demons, I'm a much better person and partner.

If I had been in touch and able to hit my issues square in the face, would I have been in those relationships? Looking back on it, I wouldn't be where I am today and without having experienced everything I had in my life...would I change a few things...yes....would it have made a big difference....probably...but would I be the caring and loving person who understands himself better....probably not.

In my current relationship I am a much better person. I communicate more and better even though it might not be exactly what my partner wants to hear at the time....it's honest and open. After my fifty years, I'm finally able to be myself and not worry about what people think.

In closing, life is what it is. Sometimes we are dealt a hand we feel is insurmountable and we just want to give up; but don't. If you look at life as a series of situations requiring good decision making, you can make it. If you let outside factors govern your decisions, you might not make the decision that's best for you. I'm not saying it's okay to only look out for yourself to the detriment of others, but it's okay to be a little selfish as long as you don't hurt anyone. As I look back, I had money, lost money, made stupid decisions, made some good ones too....and through it all, ultimately, I had myself to fall back on.

Bill is a good person. He has a great job, people who love and care about him. He's healthy and happy. I have a measurement that some people may find as silly....if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I change anything? New house? New car? Nope....I love where I am now personally and professionally. It took a good amount of time and effort to get here; I'm so happy I get a chance to enjoy it.

Bill

Looking back at all the compilations of my relationships, I realize that I took a little something new from each person and learned a little more about myself, which taught me to love myself more. It's not just the good parts and trying to remember the happy memories, but it's also remembering the hardest parts. Hearing someone you love recognize the bad parts of you and acknowledging it yourself and trying to work on it. It's almost all the good little happy things and knowing that that's what I want in the future and all the criticism that comes out of ending a relationship is what I got back.

My whole life I've been told I'm a dreamer and not a doer. And it took me deciding not to be in a relationship to work on it. I'm definitely a dreamer, like looking at the sunlight and how it hits something and noticing the beauty that results.

I did the whole college thing. I don't know if it wasn't for me but it didn't pan out for me. I wanted to be a housewife. I wanted to be painting on a deck in NYC and have my doctor girlfriend come home to dinner. I've seen countless girls through countless career choices through countless relationships and then I dated a Scorpio. She was fantastic and beautiful and everything you wanted to make last forever.

It had been awhile since I had dated anyone and I was dating a couple of girls at the time. I realized that I didn't want to be a tour guide through life. I was dating older women who were like, "been there, done that" or, "aww you're only 23..." It was the first time in awhile I gave myself room to play with someone and give myself the opportunity to experience things with another person.

For being in the same place at the same time and for loving all of the same things, she made me feel like shit for making sandwiches. And gurl, I love to make sandwiches! I just began to feel like I'd be doing the same thing at the end of the day. And at the end of the day, everything was hers. Her pictures. Her life. Her girlfriend that was making sandwiches that just didn't cut it.

You can hold onto anger and choose to say those things, but I think I was mad at myself for not seeing the best parts of me. I was so mad at her for not seeing the best parts of me. I would say to her, "I love all your pieces" even though there were many awful pieces but I loved all of her pieces-they were the same to me. And when it was over, I was so mad at her for not seeing all of my pieces, but what kind of person are you if you allow someone to put you down and keep you there?! I'm 23 and have my whole life ahead of me. And guess what?! I'm still making sandwiches haha.

I started blogging 6 years ago and the first post I wrote was when I broke up with my first love. It's interesting to go back and read that post and then think about breaking up with my second love, which was in October. I have been single since then and I don't ever want to be in a relationship again. I've been hanging out with a girl and we cuddle and kiss occasionally. We share the kind of pillow-talk moments where we rediscover those angsty-teen moments together.

I want the movie kind of love. I want to read poetry to my love and I want to be able to stay in my room and paint and not have her care. My friendships have reflected that. I have a great group of friends that support one another and will go to each other's shows. I think it's because we're all headed in the same direction. I think it's because I formed a good relationship with myself.

I've had so many friends in my life tell me that I'm settling and at the time and in those moments I'm like, "I'm not settling! I can do this forever!" I read "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke in my last relationship. I remember seeing that book for the first time and it was in-between an Andrea Gibson poetry book and "Paint it Black", which I now consider my break-up book. It's about this girl who is finding in this relationship and her entire journey is realizing that someone in her life was not who he was, but who he wanted to be. She looses her faith in people and asks the Universe why she's here and why she is being tortured and she was given a sign to just let it all go. Let it all be.

There was a quote in Rilke about how things in life are difficult which is all the more reason why we should do them. I've worked so hard to be where I am, and working this hard, despite how difficult it's been, is all the more reason not to give up on it. I've been starting to feel the same way about emotions. I love the movie-love idea of jumping in head first and having it be all-or-nothing. But right now, I'm waiting for those moments, to take the time and take things slow, which have become my all-or-nothing moments.

Since Valentine's Day I have been dating a couple of women, but nothing serious. I woke up and realized that I want fireworks! Those types of moments where you're seeing a woman and she's already left for the day and has left you a note, and just seeing her handwriting makes you nervous. I feel like things have become muddled and I want those types of things to have meaning again. They didn't mean as much because I lost the journey that I was on.

I came out of high school thinking I knew who I was. Everybody has this idea of themselves of who they are and what they bring to the table. It's like the saying that says, "once you realize that there is no solid place to stand, you'll be at peace." I feel like I was trying to hold onto this image of who I was when I came out of high school and when I was in relationships with people who had all these wonderful things to say about me-it's like catching yourself in a lie.

I feel like I've been in this constant journey to come back to myself. The part of myself like when I was a kid and didn't know how harsh the world was. Like trying to get back to that place because that place is what I had given away to too many people. It's one aspect of myself that I like most about me. I've been spending all this time in relationships trying to find that part of myself and I now realize that I need to spend more time with myself. If I hold those standards for myself then I'll find people who hold the same standards for themselves in my life. It's like what all my friends tell me, "you shouldn't go to a bar to meet your next girlfriend." And my response was always, "Well there where do you meet your next girlfriend?!" It's nice to know that people hang out outside of bars.

It's all about making a personal connection. Not just a relationship. I mean, I come home to myself everyday and I don't feel like I've had a relationship with myself for a long time. How can you expect anyone to be there for you when you can't even be there for yourself?!

I feel like I have things to say and I feel like I haven't had anything to say for a really long time.

Hannah