Hello...my name is Bill and I'm a 50 year old male. I happpen to be a family member of your blog owner. When I was asked to write this, it made me reflect on my adult life and I realized, like everyone, I had some really good times and some bad ones too....!!!! But, all in all, I've had a good life so far.

I've been lucky enough to have two long term relationships and am now in another....we celebrated our one year anniversary in January. In the two long term relationships, I was younger and truly thought I had met the loves of my life and wanted them to be the idyllic "white picket fence" type we all search and yearn for. I won't say "sadly enough" they didn't work out that way but they ended for different reasons.

In my first relationship, he was 11 years older than I and a very successful business person. I was 22 years old and thought I had it all. We had a house in the Hollywood Hills and one in Laguna Beach....we had great friends and life was good. Our friends thought we had everything going for us; behind the scenes it was far from it. In the beginning, my ex was the life of the party. He would tell jokes, laugh, and all in all, have a fun time all the while drinking. The drinking got worse and worse over the years until it got to be unberable. I tried all sorts of things to make it work...and to his credit he tried also. He went to rehab two times, reluctantly, because his job made him go. One of the times, he was in rehab and I got a phone call from him. He wasn't supposed to have a phone...this was before cell phones...but there he was on the phone. He called to tell me "how bad it was in here so I didn't do this to anyone else." After that call, although it took a little more than a year, we broke up. I was sad but I knew it was the right decision. We had been together for nine and a half years and I walked away from everything.

The second was probably the best in many ways but the hardest too....over the 11 years we were together, I checked my "person" at the door and never allowed myself to grow. This hurt both of us in the end and I felt horribly we ended negatively...over the years we have resolved everything. He was a very good man but not the best at showing affection and I'm a very affectionate person. We followed his job up and down the East Coast because he made so much more than I did. I had a good career going when we lived in Washington D.C. but had to leave it so we could move to New York. At the time, I was hurt and angry but didn't show it nor talk about it much. This I realized was a huge mistake and started us on the downward trend...this was truly my fault. I started drinking a little more and had a couple of affairs thinking I could find myself but in the most inappropriate ways. What I didn't know until later was he was having trysts too, but to his defense, it was due to my behavior. Five years ago, I received a job offer for a position in Texas. After some discussion, I made the move. It was very difficult splitting up everything...espcially the dogs and cats.

At the time, I thought I had made a good decision...and I did. I was able to find myself again, went into therapy, got back into competitive tennis and focused on Bill for the first time in my life. I realized it was okay to be selfish as long as you didn't hurt anyone. Through therapy, I was able to discover things about myself I knew but didn't want to face; now that I've faced my demons, I'm a much better person and partner.

If I had been in touch and able to hit my issues square in the face, would I have been in those relationships? Looking back on it, I wouldn't be where I am today and without having experienced everything I had in my life...would I change a few things...yes....would it have made a big difference....probably...but would I be the caring and loving person who understands himself better....probably not.

In my current relationship I am a much better person. I communicate more and better even though it might not be exactly what my partner wants to hear at the time....it's honest and open. After my fifty years, I'm finally able to be myself and not worry about what people think.

In closing, life is what it is. Sometimes we are dealt a hand we feel is insurmountable and we just want to give up; but don't. If you look at life as a series of situations requiring good decision making, you can make it. If you let outside factors govern your decisions, you might not make the decision that's best for you. I'm not saying it's okay to only look out for yourself to the detriment of others, but it's okay to be a little selfish as long as you don't hurt anyone. As I look back, I had money, lost money, made stupid decisions, made some good ones too....and through it all, ultimately, I had myself to fall back on.

Bill is a good person. He has a great job, people who love and care about him. He's healthy and happy. I have a measurement that some people may find as silly....if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I change anything? New house? New car? Nope....I love where I am now personally and professionally. It took a good amount of time and effort to get here; I'm so happy I get a chance to enjoy it.

Bill