Looking back at all the compilations of my relationships, I realize that I took a little something new from each person and learned a little more about myself, which taught me to love myself more. It's not just the good parts and trying to remember the happy memories, but it's also remembering the hardest parts. Hearing someone you love recognize the bad parts of you and acknowledging it yourself and trying to work on it. It's almost all the good little happy things and knowing that that's what I want in the future and all the criticism that comes out of ending a relationship is what I got back.

My whole life I've been told I'm a dreamer and not a doer. And it took me deciding not to be in a relationship to work on it. I'm definitely a dreamer, like looking at the sunlight and how it hits something and noticing the beauty that results.

I did the whole college thing. I don't know if it wasn't for me but it didn't pan out for me. I wanted to be a housewife. I wanted to be painting on a deck in NYC and have my doctor girlfriend come home to dinner. I've seen countless girls through countless career choices through countless relationships and then I dated a Scorpio. She was fantastic and beautiful and everything you wanted to make last forever.

It had been awhile since I had dated anyone and I was dating a couple of girls at the time. I realized that I didn't want to be a tour guide through life. I was dating older women who were like, "been there, done that" or, "aww you're only 23..." It was the first time in awhile I gave myself room to play with someone and give myself the opportunity to experience things with another person.

For being in the same place at the same time and for loving all of the same things, she made me feel like shit for making sandwiches. And gurl, I love to make sandwiches! I just began to feel like I'd be doing the same thing at the end of the day. And at the end of the day, everything was hers. Her pictures. Her life. Her girlfriend that was making sandwiches that just didn't cut it.

You can hold onto anger and choose to say those things, but I think I was mad at myself for not seeing the best parts of me. I was so mad at her for not seeing the best parts of me. I would say to her, "I love all your pieces" even though there were many awful pieces but I loved all of her pieces-they were the same to me. And when it was over, I was so mad at her for not seeing all of my pieces, but what kind of person are you if you allow someone to put you down and keep you there?! I'm 23 and have my whole life ahead of me. And guess what?! I'm still making sandwiches haha.

I started blogging 6 years ago and the first post I wrote was when I broke up with my first love. It's interesting to go back and read that post and then think about breaking up with my second love, which was in October. I have been single since then and I don't ever want to be in a relationship again. I've been hanging out with a girl and we cuddle and kiss occasionally. We share the kind of pillow-talk moments where we rediscover those angsty-teen moments together.

I want the movie kind of love. I want to read poetry to my love and I want to be able to stay in my room and paint and not have her care. My friendships have reflected that. I have a great group of friends that support one another and will go to each other's shows. I think it's because we're all headed in the same direction. I think it's because I formed a good relationship with myself.

I've had so many friends in my life tell me that I'm settling and at the time and in those moments I'm like, "I'm not settling! I can do this forever!" I read "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke in my last relationship. I remember seeing that book for the first time and it was in-between an Andrea Gibson poetry book and "Paint it Black", which I now consider my break-up book. It's about this girl who is finding in this relationship and her entire journey is realizing that someone in her life was not who he was, but who he wanted to be. She looses her faith in people and asks the Universe why she's here and why she is being tortured and she was given a sign to just let it all go. Let it all be.

There was a quote in Rilke about how things in life are difficult which is all the more reason why we should do them. I've worked so hard to be where I am, and working this hard, despite how difficult it's been, is all the more reason not to give up on it. I've been starting to feel the same way about emotions. I love the movie-love idea of jumping in head first and having it be all-or-nothing. But right now, I'm waiting for those moments, to take the time and take things slow, which have become my all-or-nothing moments.

Since Valentine's Day I have been dating a couple of women, but nothing serious. I woke up and realized that I want fireworks! Those types of moments where you're seeing a woman and she's already left for the day and has left you a note, and just seeing her handwriting makes you nervous. I feel like things have become muddled and I want those types of things to have meaning again. They didn't mean as much because I lost the journey that I was on.

I came out of high school thinking I knew who I was. Everybody has this idea of themselves of who they are and what they bring to the table. It's like the saying that says, "once you realize that there is no solid place to stand, you'll be at peace." I feel like I was trying to hold onto this image of who I was when I came out of high school and when I was in relationships with people who had all these wonderful things to say about me-it's like catching yourself in a lie.

I feel like I've been in this constant journey to come back to myself. The part of myself like when I was a kid and didn't know how harsh the world was. Like trying to get back to that place because that place is what I had given away to too many people. It's one aspect of myself that I like most about me. I've been spending all this time in relationships trying to find that part of myself and I now realize that I need to spend more time with myself. If I hold those standards for myself then I'll find people who hold the same standards for themselves in my life. It's like what all my friends tell me, "you shouldn't go to a bar to meet your next girlfriend." And my response was always, "Well there where do you meet your next girlfriend?!" It's nice to know that people hang out outside of bars.

It's all about making a personal connection. Not just a relationship. I mean, I come home to myself everyday and I don't feel like I've had a relationship with myself for a long time. How can you expect anyone to be there for you when you can't even be there for yourself?!

I feel like I have things to say and I feel like I haven't had anything to say for a really long time.

Hannah