Soooo I never really ever thought it would be possible to be in love with another woman. I, as well as everyone in my whole life expected me to be married to a wonderful man by now and have 3.5 children and a white picket fence. But it didn't turn out that way, and I was okay with that. Although I occasionally suffered from the lonely day complete with whimpering, freakishly large containers of ice cream and endless marathons of movies with ridiculously happy endings, I was content with my life and the people that filled it.



Then one day I met someone who in every aspect managed to take my breath away. All I can relate it to is a freight train going a thousand miles racing down a track. Nothing I could have done would have stopped it from happening. Our friendship quickly turned into a love that neither of us expected or was prepared to deal with. She also happened to be a woman. Our love was passionate, exciting, and intense, but never easy.




I can count on one hand the people in my life who I confided in about the occasional attraction I felt towards women (which was still something I hadn't even fully admitted to myself). She however was a slightly less famous Ellen DeGeneres. Needless to say this made our relationship difficult for both of us. I wanted nothing more than to tell everyone I knew how happy she made me and how much I loved her. But it's not easy to bring a girl home to dinner and just announce that she's my girlfriend.




Nevertheless, we did everything we could to "work" out as a couple. We existed in a world of "ifs"; like, "if you came out to your family..." or "if you do this..." or "if you are willing to work on this..." or "if we weren't so different, then we would be together forever." As hard as being together was, our connection and undeniable chemistry made it impossible for either one of us to ever walk away. And believe me we tried!



From day one it seemed that everywhere we went, people commented on how our faces lit up when we saw each other. Or how cute we were as a couple. Or how it was about time we were together.



Eventually we broke up for a myriad of reasons, but we were still never not together. I even managed to let both my parents in on our relationship which was difficult and a relief all at the same time.



And then, she moved away (dun dun dun). The last month of her being in the same state we shared some of our best moments because we were focused solely on spending time together instead of constantly trying to figure out what we "were".



But of course, all good things come to an end. The day she flew away I spent a good 20 minutes bawling on my bathroom floor because I couldn't imagine my life without her in it.



As sad as all that sounds, to me this isn't an unhappy story. This is simply because as difficult and painful as it was and is (thanks to the technology of cell phones), I am not the same person I was before I met her, and I still love her as much as I ever have. I've been able to acknowledge and express the parts of me that I tried for a long time to pretend didn't exist. It's a work in progress but I now have confidence to say that I don't know if my "wonderful man" will turn out to be my wonderful woman. I have a new appreciation and admiration for the struggles that same-sex couples face and all while knowing that it is entirely worth it. Even though I have no idea what the future holds for me or for her or for "us", I know what we shared will always be a part of me, and there are many times when a memory or thought of her still manages to take my breath away.

Anonymous