How many of you have experienced a time in your life where you have told yourself, “No. That can’t be. I don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it”?

Truth is subjective, and it is because of it being subjective that we can manipulate it. We can tell ourselves that something is true when it really isn’t. Many of us call this denial, and my denial was with my sexual orientation.

Middle school was something else. I have only met a handful of people who said their middle school years were care-free. Most of the time I hear that it was the worst 2-3 years of their lives and that it was wrought with struggle and pain. I don’t like looking back for the “worst years of my life,” but if I had to choose I would without a doubt say middle school.

I was in 6th grade and it seemed like every other day. I walked into music class and took my seat on the risers. There was a group of guys behind me talking about a variety of different things. Eventually the guys pulled me into their conversation and asked, “Hey JP, did you ever have a girlfriend in elementary school?”

I thought, What?! Elementary school? Why are we talking about relationships in elementary school at 11 years old?!

I responded, “Well, no, I didn’t have a girlfriend in elementary school.”

Some guys nodded and would utter small pieces of feedback like, “Oh,” and “Hmm.” But one of the guys said, “What are you, gay?”

I was stunned. Absolutely speechless. I immediately formed perceptions of homosexuality that were all negative: something to be laughed at, something that was “different” (and not in the good way), something to be ridiculed and mocked, all this and more. I went into defense mode to protect myself, and I said, “NO! No man, I’m not gay.”

I think I was telling the truth.

It wasn’t until later in middle school that I realized I was attracted to men. Many people may claim that people “become” homosexual because of a traumatic experience. I don’t agree. Was that interaction in the music room hurtful? Absolutely. But would I define it as traumatic? I don’t think so.

Once I had this “truth” about me being attracted to men, and these competing perceptions of homosexuality, it caused chaos in my heart. I decided to deny the truth so I could live a different truth: the “truth” that I was straight. I chose this because my perception of heterosexuality was much, much more positive than my perceptions of homosexuality. So I formed that barrier and told people that I was straight and rejected any claims that I was gay.

That barrier held true for 14 years. 14 years of claiming heterosexuality, claiming I was straight, and trying to contain the truth with denial.

For those 14 years I played the straight card. I had one serious girlfriend and dated a handful of other ones. I blamed my high standards and, “She just isn’t the right one,” for why my dates and relationships weren’t sticking. Every now and again - not as often as you’d think - I’d doubt my sexuality, but nothing so substantial that I freaked out.

Around 23-24 years old I started telling myself, “You cannot use women anymore. Until you figure out what is going on in your life and with your sexuality, you will not use women.”

This seems innocent enough, but on top of me making this commitment to myself, I also realized that I wasn’t quite ready to accept the truth that I was gay.

My new truth: I’m going to be single the rest of my life.

Happiness was stolen from me. I didn’t know what to do.

Finally, in 2012, I started truly thinking about and processing through my denial. Over the course of time, my denial formed a stronger and stronger voice, and I could no longer ignore it.

In January of 2013, I came out as gay...

... And I couldn’t be happier.

Denial is a very, very resilient defense mechanism. When your truth doesn’t match your perceptions, denial will step in and try to keep it under control.

What I am about to say is my own personal opinion based on my own subjective experience, so this may not apply to all people. I have come to believe that denial can be the source of all unhappiness. Do I believe that all unhappy people are struggling with denial? No. Other way around. I believe that denial truly keeps us from genuine happiness.

I denied because of fear. Fear of what would happen to me, if people would accept me, if I would lose friends, all of it. However, sacrificing my own happiness just so that I was “acceptable” in the eyes of others became too heavy of a weight for me.

My hope is that if you are struggling with denial or with your sexual orientation, help is out there. You are not the only person who has gone through what you’re going through. I encourage you to reach out and find someone who you can relate to and who can help you.

Don’t do this by yourself. You don’t need to.

JP