Hello. My name is Mia and I'm a love addict. Or so my best friend has often told me. He even went as far to endearingly dedicate Ke$ha's "your love is my drug" song as my theme song. Although it pains me to admit, he is right. I am a love addict, or as close to one as a person can come.



I realize that I have perpetuated many of the stereotypes that are associated with lesbians such as codependency and falling into that infamous black hole relationship abyss. Looking back over the years I now realize that I have settled numerous times in unhealthy relationships and convinced myself of the multiple excuses as to why my entering and staying in a relationship (even when I shouldn't) have been justified.


I have had the privilege of dating amazing people but have also made the mistake of dating not-so-great individuals. At the end of the day however, this story is about me, and me alone. As much as I would like to point fingers and blame my failed relationships on my ex-partners, my same friend has always encouraged me to "clean my side of the street". So here I go...


One of my main struggles in life is that I have the tendency to victimize. Blessed with a rather large ego (as is the common plight of the leo) I have often focused my pain, anger, sorrow and resentments on the actions of other people because I have not had the strength to turn the microscope on myself and focus on my own actions.


At the ripe old age of 26, I have come to a place in my life where I have embraced that now is the time. Now is the time to get to know myself better-my strengths, my weaknesses, my desires, and worst of all, my fears.


Writing this post in itself is difficult for me because I am admitting to and revealing an area of myself in which I struggle the most. My greatest fear is to end up alone, depressed and miserable; and, as a result, I have allowed myself to enter relationship, after relationship, after relationship in order to avoid coming too close to make that fear a reality. Irrational yes, because I have only lived a small portion of my life, but this fear has driven me to make certain decisions that have lead to very certain patterns of behavior.


Sure, I could blame society and all of it's pressures to "find your partner and settle down to live happily ever after". Or, I could even blame my tendancy to make excuses like "I've never connected to another person the way that I have connected to her". Placing blame is in itself another avoidance technique, because I am not dealing with the true issue at heart.


Yes. I do want to find my "happily ever after" with a woman and I hope that I will. I have absolutely no regrets of the choices I have made in my past because they have all contributed to who I am today and trust me, I am learning (or trying to at least). I have had both great joys and great heartbreaks in my past and I am extremely thankful for both.


I realize now, looking back on all of my attempts at making relationships work, as much as I want to think I am great at love (simply because I'm a hopeless romantic and believe in it so whole-heartedly), I still have a lot to learn. I am not being hard on myself. Rather, I am being honest. I know now I must love myself more than I currently do before I can hope to find my "fairytale" ending. As cliche as it may sound, no one can love me in the way I hope until I learn to love myself better first.


If I can pass one thing on from my story it is this: love yourself. No matter who you are, you possess great strengths, unique qualities and wonderful talents. This maybe especially challenging to remember for those of us who face constant discrimination and hate simply for being who we are. Don't repeat my mistake of receiving your validation from other people and finding your importance in life from a relationship. I am not arguing that relationships aren't important, but I am trying to convey the importance of YOU! I have (over and over again) forgotten about my own importance in the relationships I have entered and that has been more detrimental to me than the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced.


As my best friend told me, you are complete just the way you are. A partner is a gift that you may experience for a day, a month, a year or a lifetime. This gift does not complete you, for you were already complete before you received it.

Mia