"So Alex do you have somthing you want to tell us?"

Where I grew up, you were supposed to dream of college, high paying jobs, kids, safe neighborhoods, soccer games and eventually marriage. But really I never did. My parents were both together, heck my grandparents were still together at 80 years old. My childhood was not traumatic, but a standard of predominately white hood. I had boyfriends all throughout high school, was considered popular, a star athlete, and made it to college out of state. However, I knew I was different but I never knew why until I allowed myself to get to know myself.

The words gay, lesbian, bisexual, or queer were not in my world. Of course I had lesbian neighbors, my parent's had gay friends that visited all the time, a couple of teachers who were also gay but I wasn't aware or knew any different growing up. I remember telling my first love, a boy, that I thought I wasn't straight. Looking back I know that I enjoyed drunkenly kissing my girl friends, loved being surrounded by women, was a rough 'en tough girl, and never brought into the ideal of growing up, getting married and having kids. For me I wanted, and still want to change the world. This all started when I went away and met the strongest, most open and honest group of women I have ever had in my life.

In this group I found what I was missng. My life became female centered and this allowed me to really explore my own understanding of myself. I became passionate about women's health, protested, talked about uncomfortable issues, and bonded with like-minded women. But at the same time I wouldn't let these relationships go any further with women. I had this concept in my mind that others in my life would name this a "phase" just because I was so involved in women's rights, then of course I would "experiment". I let this hold me back for a year, where I found myself jealous of lesbian couples, or others who labeled themselves queer and knew what that meant for them. I had gay friends who kept saying, "alright Alex whenever you wanna come out, just let me know." I was afraid of myself, and what myself might be.

This fear ended with a fateful night of dancing at a gay bar with a woman that wouldn't leave me alone, and I wouldn't leave her. Unlike my past relationships, which were all still with men, the connection and chemistry were instant. I couldn't stop kissing and touching this woman, and wanted more. I was still scared but more excited that I had let something inside free, and then I wanted to share it with everyone. I took things slow though to give myself time to reflect and just be. From this point on I knew whatever label I was, just like in high school, I was not and am not straight.

Besides a few flings, and weak relationships, I spent two years of my life with one woman. I learned the essence of really being happy in one's skin, and telling others who didn't know for years that I wasn't straight, that I was dating a woman. I was lucky, and had surrounded myself with amazing open-minded people so the "coming out" wasn't like it was for some of my friends. Sure I was misunderstood, was the talk of my hometown for awhile, and felt like I had to prove myself in the community at times; but all in all, it was a beautiful life change.

So when I was walking around the lake with my parents during Christmas break one year, and they posed this question to me, "so Alex, do you have something you want to tell us?" I was finally ready. Not to say from this point on there weren't challenges, but I took on those challenges knowing that I was presenting my whole self. I am always thankful for everyone I have in my life who have supported me and understood me, and I only wish that everyone who is not straight and straight would expeirence the same.

Today, I have to admit that that two-year relationship is over. After a move across the country together, many difficult nights and decisions we ended. I dated another woman after that, until I went on a road trip with a good friend, who happened to be a man. So six years after coming out, and vowing to never be with a man again, love happened. It is mysterious, but I learned to listen and be open to what life hands me. This attitude is the same way I was able to be open about all of my sexuality. So now, I live as a "hasbian" that some judgmental people would say, I am proud to share my story, be proud, and still be part of a community to help diversify and also learn it's own acceptance.

Alex